Quarter Life Crisis?

[lostinpgh]

If I were in your situation, I would NOT look at the phone records. Since he knows that trust is an issue for you, a 180 would be for you to NOT look at the phone records. If you do and then you confront him about it, maybe it would be something totally harmless, then you've told him that you did not change at all and are still not trusting.
All you will do is bring yourself pain and anxiety over it if you do look. I've fought with myself over this very same thing.

I also would not go to the thanksgiving at his parents, and I wouldn't give him a long reason either. I would just say that it's probably best that I don't go.
If he is the one that may want out of the relationship, then he needs to see what it will be like without you in his life.

Just my 2 pennies.

[job]

Very well said, lostinpgh.

Snooping causes more heartache and generally we discover more than we bargained for. Unless you are ready to face what may be going on...don't look at the phone records right now.

As for going to his parents...nope, I wouldn't do it. He needs to see and feel what it will be like if you are not in his life as h is wife.

[flgurl84]

Thank you so much lost n job. I feel confident about my decision.

A little sad today. No contact from boo at all. Saw mil last night, she is pretty disgusted with his actions. She has not heard from him either.

Run run run. Thats all he is doing. What a shame. I doubt he will go to his familys dinner, he wont want to face the music, the confusion as to why hes running from everyone who loves him. Oh well. Not my battle.

Im had a great evening at home. Cleaned out some junk drawers. Put my front porch back together. I like my house so much. It will be hard to leave. It seems like our memories are fading almost. This seems more like my home.

Its very upsetting when he comes here and barges in and starts acting like he lives here, during his 20 min visits.

The anger, resentment. They are creeping in. Ive prayed to God to help me love boo like God loves me, despite my failures and sins.

This does stink tho. I will get through it and be wiser in the long run, i know.

[flgurl84]

So riddle me this...

Last thing I heard from H is that he would be stopping by the house Sunday 12/1/13.

Sunday came and went with not a word. Not a call, text, email. Nothing. Usually he just barges in, shows up. Not even that.

Not a big deal. I had a great day doing my own thing.

So this morning, I get nonsense texts. You know good morning, funny stuff. Nothing of substance.

How do I respond? Do I respond at all? I haven't at this point.

I am sick of him thinking it is OK to blow me off, not contact me and then be all cute and sweet the next day, like NOTHING.

I am not good. I have one foot out the proverbial door.

This was a hard weekend.

[job]

They tend to forget to follow through on what they say that they will or will not do. Their memories are like Swiss cheese or mush. He forget or something else came up and took his focus off of what he was suppose to do.

If the texts aren't urgent or actually require a response, then don't respond. He's can't miss you if you are readily available all of the time. I would let him stew and not respond for a while, if at all. Sometimes actions speak louder than words.

[flgurl84]

Just some journaling

Well, It seems like the tides of change are upon me.

Sunday 12/1 was a very hard, but necessary day for me. The last I heard from Boo was on Sat night 11/30, that he would be by the house.

Sunday came and went, with not a call, text or casual barging in. I kept myself very busy, and actually had a really good day. I was more anxious about him COMING to the house, rather than the usually anxiety I have of him NOT being there, or not contacting me.

In my post above, I talk about my lovey-dovey nonsense texts that I received. Nothing of substance, just hi, how are you, hope your day is good, some inside jokes.

I took Job's advice and let it be. There was nothing to respond to. I think I am done "playing" the nice wife, living alone, taking care of the home alone, having barely any contact when I want it, but responding to him whenever he texts.

I did have to send him an email regarding a job he did at one of my properties, so I sent that off, with no good morning, no pet names, no have a good day. Hey, you know he is so busy, he really doesn't have time for that anyways, right?! Sense my sarcasm there.

I got two emails responding to my work email, both filled with pet names and info on when he'd be back in town from work. I did respond to either, since none of them warranted a response.

I left work and got home around 5PM. My normal routine is to put my windows down, blast some tunes and enjoy my 30 minute commute. I got home and had 3 text messages and a missed call. Here are the texts:

Boo: Are you getting any of my texts or emails?
Boo: I guess not
Boo: Hellllllloooooo
Me: I got everything, txtd Bill

Then I went out to my bunny hutch to visit Timothy and Dusty with Paw for about 20-30min. So relaxing. They are such good little kids. The weather is beautiful here in SW FL and I am loving my calm, quiet afternoons to sit back, and relax.
I then went into the house, and checked my phone again. I had two more rude texts and 2 missed calls.

Boo: I’m about to blow a F---ing gasket
Boo: Do I need to drive down there and meet a computer guy

I then called him. And guess what? HE APOLOGIZED!! I let none of his infantile rants affect me, because they don’t. Oh what, H is going to be mad, and what, not talk to me? YOU ALREADY DON’T TALK TO ME!! BE MAD THEN!! He apologized for not coming around on Sunday. I said, yeah you could have texted. He said he felt really bad about it. He also said sorry for getting sh*tty with me via texts, he doesn’t need to speak to me like that.

MY JAW WAS ON THE FLOOR!

Literally months before, I had asked him, Can’t you just be nice to your wife? He responded sarcastically, “Yeah, sure I guess I’ll just be nice to my wife.” Like I was asking him to give me the world.

Oh how the tides have changed. Our convo ended on a good note. I never contacted him again that evening.

Tuesday morning I was met with a nice good morning text, which I did not respond to. I then sent him an email with info about the bills due. Similar tone to the one I sent Monday, no sweetness, no pet names. Not even really polite. Just to the point.
I was met with 5 emails, one liners:

Boo: Yeah I will let you know how much to pay on your credit card.
Boo: This really doesn’t need to be discussed during work. This can wait til the evening.
Boo: Pay such and such on your credit card, I will look at the other amounts later.
Boo: I will only be contacting you through email from now on, since that is the only way I can get in touch with you.
Boo: Run pay roll and pay such and such on the business credit card.

Mind you, these were all separate emails! What a spaz, poor guy.

I responded with one email: sorry, I wasn't expecting an email back. Just got organized this morning and wanted to send it to you.

I then got a really nice email back apologizing. He said, I am sorry for getting Sh*tty with you, You are my nerf herder (pet name from Family Guy) and I don’t need to talk to you like that.

OMG did they aliens bring back my Boo???

Not yet completely, but like I keep saying, the tides are changing. I feel great.

I never responded to his email of apology. That evening I got a text just asking to pay a certain amount on my credit card. I responded OK and let me know when you can discuss office stuff.

He said he’d call and he did. I let him talk about work. I was pleasant. I validated, I repeated to understand things better. I ended the convo.

I got a text a 3AM and 6AM today. The first was a very long text all about business stuff. The second was shorter but mainly about business stuff, money that will be coming in and some sweet pet names thrown in.

I responded at 11:30 with: That is really great for you
Meaning, your business has nothing to do with me at this point. I am moving towards being me, not we. I’m not sure if he understood that, but that’s what I implied. I do think he is feeling less stress about the business, he has money coming in, jobs for the future and plans to hire an accountant for 2014, so that stress won’t be on us.
He responded to my 11:30 text with more business talk, and an inside joke. I have not responded.

I am taking my paycheck this Friday to a different bank and setting up my own checking. He keeps saying he will be home Thurs night. I do not know if home is our home, or just in town at his friends.

I am starting to feel very anxious for his return. I feel like I have finally detached. He cannot hurt me anymore. It hit me when he sent that email stating he would only be contacting me via email. My blood pressure rose as I thought, OMG he isn’t going to text me anymore? HELLO!! He has barely called or texted or talked to you in 7 months!! What is going to change?? NOTHING!! It was the most empowering feeling. Go ahead buddy, don’t call or text me, you don’t anyways. I can now see how he has used this power of being angry and denying me his attention to manipulate me.
I have been so concerned with him wanting to leave me or not want to be around me, and now I don’t care anymore! It finally doesn’t hurt.

The love is still there. It really is. But there are things that need to change. And there are things that I won’t change. There is more that I want to change, but I like me again. I love me. I am good to myself. I enjoy being with me. Would I love some affection, yes it would be great, but I feel like I have my fulfilling life back, and Boo is realizing that.

I am not scared anymore. Bring it on. And quoting an old post from 2010 in the “I’m thinking of Leaving” Board, Catch me if you can….. ;); lets see if he is up to the test.

[flgurl84]

Today is Friday and I am loving it!
I cannot wait til 4:30PM today, done with work and can enjoy my sanctuary my home.

Yesterday Boo was supposed to return "home", which in my head means back in our town from working in Tampa. But physically, what he considers home, I have no idea.

I panicked yesterday. The thought of just sitting in my home waiting for him to get there turned my stomach and made me very anxious.

I felt like the WAS! He has been telling me for days that today he would be home, and sounded excited about it, and I was no prepared. I couldn't even think of what I would say to him. I was plain scared LOL.

So I went to BFF's house. I had not heard from Boo all day, just a call on Wed night and some cute texts. But NC on thurs confirming anything at all. Which, although I thought was rude, I also put myself in his shoes and maybe they were going balls to the wall trying to finish the job.

So I went to my BFFs, and I got a call around 7PM from Boo, which went well. He sounded happy, not miserable at all. He said they were done framing but would be staying in Tampa and he had to be in town Fri morning for another job. He sounded really good and was sweet. I told him I was at BFF's and was blowing raspberries on chubby baby cheeks, which he laughed at, and sounded pleased that I was out and not waiting around for him pouting (like my old self).

So that was a positive. I have a DB coach session Saturday, so that's good.

I have big plans for my weekend, between chores, projects, visiting BFF again and my mom and MIL, and I need to go to CHURCH! I have skipped two Sundays and I need some spiritual guidance.

Something wonderful happened this morning. I was listening to the radio (which I have not turned on in 4 months, been listening to the same CDs over and over) and one of our songs came one. Heart of Gold by Neil Young. I didn't cry or feel sad or angry or upset at all! I actually felt happy when it came on, which was very surprising. It seems as though I can look back on our memories and not feel pain! I don't know if that's just today, but that's OK. One day at a time, and today I feel good.

I also had some revelations about things. I like me and I don't really care what Boo thinks of me.

I'm going to be honest. I have some "extracurricular" activities Boo doesn't like. I smoke marijuana. I have since I was 18. I wouldn't say I am a "pot head" I do not need to do it every day, I do not do it before work, and I only really do it during times of high stress (NOW lol) Boo doesn't do it and doesn't like it. Which isn't that bad. But literally everyone around us does it. MIL and FIL, my mom knows I do but doesn't herself, my BFF. And the people that don't do it, except that sometimes I like to and they don't judge me, atleast not to me face LOL. But Boo has this expectation of his wife. We have had many discussions about this. And when I say "but your mom does it." and he responds with, "well that's my mom, you are my wife". So evidently he does not want a wife that does that.

When my life is going "well" I do NOT do it every day. I do it on girls night with BFF, I may do it with MIL, but that only started this year due to my marriage issues, and if I am going to be alone for extended periods of time at my home I do it. I like it! I do not spend obnoxious amounts of money on it and it makes me feel jittery and I want to MOVE! Last summer it was kind of a joke, Boo was working a lot, and I was home a lone a lot and I would smoke and then turn on music and do chores. I'd eat lunch and by the time Boo was home I was sober, but he would laugh and say "what, you get high and clean the house all day?"

Now my use has gotten every day. I do not want it to be that way, but it eases my anxiety. You know my ritual of going out to my bunny cage with the dog? Yeah, that's what I'm doing! Then I come in and start my evening, straighten the house, start chores, turn on TV or radio, figure out dinner, walk the dog.

And you know what? I don't think I'm a bad person because I do that!! I'm not hurting anyone (except my H evidently. I hate this feeling of having to justify my actions to someone who isn't sure they want to be in my life anymore.

I would be willing to compromise. I do not want to do it all the time. I used to not do it every day!! And I want to go back to that. But a part of me feels, if I'm going to be alone anyways, what does it matter what I do.

I am torn over this. I really need to figure out this activity and do what I want to do, and either stop because I want to or don't stop because I don't want to, and not make my decision based on Boo. It goes back to the idea of changing for someone and then being resentful.

I really hope this wouldn't be our breaking point. It seems so silly, that everyone around me thinks I'm a good person and doesn't think, Oh Monica the pot head. It doesn't define me in their eyes. But it does in Boo's eyes. I don't think that makes him a bad person. We are just different. I dunno. I need to pray on this.

My lungs could probably use a break lol, I know it is not the healthiest thing, but man does it feel great to kick back with my little bowl and take a few hits and then go about my business. I dunno why I like it so much, I just do.

It doesn't seem to affect anything in my life except Boo. I am not going broke cuz of it, I am not high at work, and sometime I use it as a reward, like if I get a certain chore done, I smoke, relax for like 20 min and then get into something else.

I guess the biggest thing is that I don't hate me for doing it. I don't think I'm a bad person, and if anyone does think that, then that is there problem.

As you can see, I wrestle with this habit I have. Ugh. Dilemmas.

[flgurl84]

Would love to here from some people out there....

I had a visit from Boo on Saturday. I knew he was coming, I actually had plans, but they fell through.

I had a coaching session before hand, which was great. I am now wrestling with the "do I even want to be with this person if he comes back to me, after what he did to me."

I think I have found an answer to that though. I was not perfect either. I wasn't horrible, but I was pretty bad, so I can't just say, oh he threw me away. It was after a pretty awful summer, mostly created by me.

Oh how I wish I could have been what I am now this summer, instead of what I was, needy, insecure and had no life outside of my marriage. All of these have drastically changed for me!

Anyway, back to my visit. He seemed OK, but a little on edge. To my surprise, he got a beer! He never drinks! I kind of liked it. I thought maybe he was so anxious about being at the house with me, he needed something to calm him.

This was the first visit I didn't cry. We had a good couple of hours. We walked the yard, played with the dog, he helped me with some home projects I started, we listened to music and we both had a beer. I showed him some ideas for container gardens I had. He looked to be on the brink of tears many times during the visit.

He told me he'd be at the house this week. He said he had the week off and he would be at our house doing projects he has started and not finished. He said he would chop down my Xmas tree and set it up in his dad's antique tree stand this coming weekend, when I told him I'd be having my MIL's fiancé help me.

We had a very brief OR talk. He mentioned my dad's antique Camaro sitting in our garage. He said we needed to make a decision about the car, and he wanted to talk to my mom (it's in her name, although we store it, work on it and enjoy it, as mom's not a car person). I told him the fate of the car hinged on the fate of us. Mom and I had discussed selling it and using the money for a down payment for a house for me, or I would keep it and the car would be mine and it would get stored in my garage at my house, if we divorce and I have to leave. I told him I could not sell it to him, as it would kill me to see him and another woman in it around town. He understood everything and said "we will figure it out this weekend." I smile and said, "it took us a long time to get here, we don't have to have it all figured out this weekend."

He stated that he hated himself, that it wasn't fair what he was doing to me (which I vocally agreed with him). He also stated that he didn't feel like our house was his house anymore. I said, come back to your home, you are wanted here. I don't hate you. I tried to reassure him it would all be ok.

Lots of hugs. He said he wanted to do dinner this week, and I told him I had plans Monday and Tues.

I tried to give him his space Sunday, and now today I am at work, so he can be in our house and get acclimated again.

I want to some how tell him that I'm not expecting things to be back to normal. But maybe I should just go with the flow, and only say things as they come up, as I did with the Camaro, and how it worked its way to us.

Any suggestions?

[job]

He still needs space and time to figure things out. No more talk about him returning home...he needs to figure that one out for himself. Right now, he doesn't feel like it's home because he's still not himself. Don't push for him to return home. The more you push, the more he'll resist. Okay?

The rest of the conversation went fairly well. Now, step back and follow his lead. Go w/the flow, listen and validate. If he asks for your opinion, give it to him.

[flgurl84]

Thank you Job. I agree, I must just follow his lead.

Just for clarification, he was the one to state he would be staying at the house. I just looked happy and said OK.

A part of me is still expecting him to not stay at the house.

I agree, he still needs lots of space. So my main goal is to give it to him, and be pleasant. And to make him feel as welcome as a can, without going over board.