Wife says she wants to leave

[Accuray]

Hi ccZ28,

Sounds like you've been doing great, but I have to warn you that it's easier when the was is engaged and "leaning in" as your W is doing right now.

She *will* "lean out" again, and that is what you need to be prepared for, so don't let your guard down or scale back on your GAL at all.

She doesn't like change or uncertainty either, but feels better about it when she feels she's in control -- when you take away her control, she will try to get you back on the hook so she feels in control again, and will then likely distance once more.

The BEST situation for her right now is that she can do what she wants, and you patiently sit at home pining away for her and offering her a soft landing if she chooses to return.

That's the WORST situation for you.

You've started to shake that up, and she's reacted by leaning back in -- at some point you may see backlash where rather than use the carrot to get you back where she wants you, she'll start to use the stick and get mean or angry with you, or try to manipulate you.

Your goal is to maintain a baseline -- if she's super happy and engaging, you are more or less neutral. If she's mean and distant, you are still neutral and happy.

When the WAS alternates between mean and nice, it's called "riding the rollercoaster" if your emotions go along with them. High highs and low lows. Don't do it.

The other thing to be aware of is that WAS will often do "touch and go's", which is to say that they will "try on" being nice to you, or re-engaging with you to see how they feel. Then, they will catch themselves, worry about the signals they are sending, and go completely cold like flicking a switch. It can leave you wondering what you did wrong, but it has nothing to do with you.

You must KNOW this is coming, and prepare for it, and then when it happens just completely ignore it like nothing happened. Keep up with your GAL and your act-as-if.

I also have to warn you that the alpha male / Athol Kay stuff can seem like a good path to follow and an apparent path to fixing your marriage, but it is not quick or easy, and threatens to separate you from "who you are" and leave you feeling like you're putting on an act. Embrace as much as makes sense to you and no more.

You don't have to be superman, that's not reasonable.

Acc