It was the feeling of having everything - almost a dream, for one day.......the next day, BOOM on a airplane back.
As you all are experiencing its difficult driving down the holiday decorated streets and seeing couples walking leisurely (in 17 degree temps) hand in hand together. Last year I thought thats what my wife and I had.......only she was doing it with someone else.
but in the meantime something really awesome happened to me this weekend.
D3.90 was with Mommy on Sat night (She had been with me the previous 4 nights for the holiday) I was very alone. I thought id open a bottle of red, turn on some music and journal ALOT. I just felt like I needed to get alot of emotion out and have it documented in my timeline (alot of negative self talk etc).
So I decanted the old vine red. Lit a fire and decided that I needed to do some pushups (my new "go to" when i begin to think negatively) When I was done (40) I felt so strong and clear headed that I dumped the wine in the sink and began writing without
six pages of negative self talk spewed out. There was alot of poison inside of me. Then I went back to page 1 of volume II. Early June, I read about how sad I was, how broken,I was exhausted and had NOTHING yet I kept moving forward because I wouldnt stop and dwell. Bike ride, exercise, Bike ride, volunteer, GAL .....rinse, repeat .
My wife isnt coming back but because of this program im doing everything RIGHT(so far). My fantasy week would not have happened if it hadnt been for ALL those tough days and struggles. Hell, I remember walking into the grocery store with $20 to my name for a weeks worth of groceries for me and D3.90. It was UGLY. Ive done a complete life change 180.
Yet, no matter how much progress forward the negative self talk still creeps in and ruins my self esteem/confidence. I could drink to numb or I could face it, write it down and fight.
Ive never fought- I always gave in. It was easier.
This aspect of change will be the toughest but im working on it:)
ME 38 W 37 T18 M5 D3 BD 1/7/13 PA Conf 2/11/13- Ongoing 2nd simultaneous affair Confirmed 4/19/13 W gets APT and begins transition out 5/29/13 First mediation appt 12/19/13
