RealityTrip is back from her voyage into "Me" Land

[RealityTrip]

Hi ladies!!! Yay! Glad you are here. I'm gonna need my DB posse to weather this odd place that I'm in.

To all my new friends that have posted thanking me for providing an update... hang in there! But don't think there isn't soooo much work for me to still do! There is. I am in a good place personally but my marriage is still very fragile.

I really need to pour through my DB book again, except now my W is in the home... not sure about her walking through the den while I'm reading it! Back in March and April it was just me, myself and I... and all of you so it was easier to study and contemplate.

So here is what I am dealing with now. I got frustrated. W came home weeks ago saying all the "right' things. Then... wait for it...

AP emailed in an epic display of... "forlorn love, star-crossed lovers, let me go, we were meant to be together, how can you wake up next to RT, you said I am the one for you"... end scene.

W responded with, "I am sorry you are hurting. I love you." Yep. It's not over until it's over folks... and it's never over when they say it is. W and I talked about it after she showed me the emails. We talked about her still having feelings for AP, feeling guilty for hurting AP, and everything she needs to process personally in IC. Also, W has to have 2 knee replacements. It's happening on the 10th of this month. W doesn't think she deserves me taking care of her or helping her through surgery.

The guilt storm swirling in my house if so draining. Her guilt for betraying me, for betraying AP, it's overwhelming. She was making a really good effort to communicate and validate up until Saturday, then she kind of shut down and withdrew. Contact from AP seems to have sent her into a spiral funk. PLUS... She is scared and nervous about surgery... I get it. I better! She has said it multiple times! Listening skills, listening skills. I have literally, repeatedly spoken to myself in my head saying, "RT, this is the time to practice the fine art of STFU!" You see I... want things to move faster, I want sad, affair grieving W to jump on the happy RT train. The self-discipline it takes to give her this space is mind numbing. Talk about injustice. They betray us and then we have to decide whether or not we want a front row seat to their sadness over their loss of AP.

So I am cycling residual anger. Ha! Slightly. I think it's because I am in a taking care of me mode (I'm pretty good at it now), and damn it!... I want to process and move forward. Full speed ahead! But she is just not ready. She needs time to decompress, center herself as an individual, go to IC, let go of AP completely and forgive herself.

This weekend she commented that she thought I am so much stronger than AP. And that I am so far ahead of her (my W)in healing. She said, "I am broken. I have been for a long time. I am lost and confused." That's a quote word for word. She talked about her loss of time. She confided that she had no idea it was about to be the holidays. She had no idea we were separated nine months. It really seemed to bewilder her when we talked about it. I think it scared her too.

So I must respectfully, lovingly, give her time and space and continue to focus on me.

Tough stuff... marriage.