Feel like falling down

[willbwell]

I got all worked up about what to do for Tgiving.
h saw kids on Wednesday.
There was no conversation with me.
I did not invite h, and he did not ask.

The kids and I had a nice day although s20 said it was weird. s17 continues to maintain that it does not bother him.

d15 had heard from h early in day. boys not until evening time. I think s20 reached out first.

Wish h could see how this impacts him.

h wants to tell boys about D.
We agree this needs to be done together and after their midterms in Dec.

d15 and I saw nutcracker yesterday. h took boys to lunch.
h was here when we got back.
it was pleasant.
I was surprised to see him here. He stayed while d and I ate some leftovers.

s20 had plans last night. h wanted to take s17 to a movie, but s17 ended up making plans with friends too.
h gets to be alone in his apt.

I asked h what he did T'day. He said nothing. Made me sorry for him.

He has brought all this on, but I feel sorry for him.

we will be together today at sporting event for s17.
Want to get xmas tree up too today.
I asked h about the lights on the exterior of the house.
H seemed bothered by my asking....

I will hire someone to do it.
h put them on last year. I took them down.

I wish I could talk to h.
I wish he would say to me, you know, it sacked being alone on t'day.
I want to tell him about seeing our friends who came in town...
h doesn't keep in touch with them anymore. Friends and family love h and want happiness for our family.h is just so distant.

I still struggle with the question, really? was it so bad being married to me?
it is not me , it is him I know....
so hard to just let go.

[bustingout]

Willbwell I hear you... It's incredible how quickly we seem to just not matter. And how easily it seems for them to make the break and make a feel like it was just awful being married to us. That this drastic change and determination to leave is vital for them to survive. That we are not worth the effort to try.

However,

I know you know this already- it is not about us. It is all about them right now. This is he hardest thing to do- to detach from what our life was because we have to ... Not because we want to. I do believe that with time the need changes into want.. You want to detach and not be affected by bad behaviour or bad feelings.

I love that you decided to hire someone to put up the lights! Don't let H put a damper on your joy and your life. I spent too many years being a spectator in my own life putting my joy on hold while H treated me badly. No more. You are Stronger than you think and I am here with you- we all are! What are you doing today?

[RosaLinda]

I'm glad you had a nice Thanksgiving, WBW, and that you got to see your H for at least few minutes yesterday. I've been catching up on all my friends' threads, and it seems like the holidays are as hard on our MLCers are they are on us. Of course, we can clearly see the solution and they cannot LOL!

Busting is right, we need to keep reminding ourselves that this is not about us at all. That is a great quote "I spent too many years being a spectator in my own life putting my joy on hold while H treated me badly. No more."

Thanks for your encouragement regarding detachment. It's such a struggle, isn't it? But I think I am finally getting it. Not doing it exactly, but understanding detachment. I hope that is the first step.

Bringing this over from my thread "my new mantra will be...I will detach! I will stop expectations, I will live my life."

Me too WBW, me too. Detach, no expectations, STFU. Live with honor and dignity. Whew! But we can do it!

[willbwell]

class today and a busy week ahead.
h was over last night, the kids and I had finished dinner.I was ironing shirts getting ready for week ahead.
Told h to fix a plate which he did. all pleasant. he ate, finished a show with us, then left.

I will make my next app with coach today.

I want to ask h to go to Retrouville. There is one in January in the next big city over(about 45 min away)It is a Friday night to sunday deal.

I know a last ditch effort. Can't force h, but I can ask him to consider...

Need to explore my expectations of this...can I go with none?
If I don't do this, I will think "what if"

Thoughts??

busting and Rosa, I need to do that rubber band around my wrist and pop it eveytime. Maybe then could I get it thru this thick skull!

[JuneReN]

You thought that H had issues when you asked him to put up the lights. What do you think his reaction may be when you ask him to go to retrouvaille?

^^ is a little facetious, I know, but what has made you think/hope he would agree to this?

Can you write down a list of behaviours that lead you to believe he is ready for retrouvaille?

Holiday time is not easy. I remember last year when H had OW, they spent Christmas morning together. H said he would be by at noon to pick up kids. Came 2:30, no text, no apology. While things are different this year, I am still wary. And I realize I am. I love H but if he were to say I love you and want to come home, I would really have to think about it and what I wanted in order to make that happen.

So if I am unsure and I am the LBS, I can only imagine what the WAS feels.

[willbwell]

I do see h as not wanting to be involved at the house at all. He wants to give me the house. He wants no responsibility of it even though this is where his children live.

He wants to tell boys 17&20 about filing for D in dec after exams.
My guess is he has been waiting for me to finish this semester before pushing full steam ahead with D.

If I ask h about retrouville , it will be to do it for me. He gets what he wants a D, what do I get?
I will say to h that I want to know in my heart that I tried everything.
If he doesn't want to or can't at least I know I made the attempt.
I will have to go along with the d. What choice do I have?

Why do I want to still be with someone who doesn't seem to want to be with me?

Because I still think h is lost. I think h is afraid.

[bustingout]

WBW

The choice is yours

My gut feeling is it's not the right time to ask H. A few things we have earned is that MLC takes time and then more time and then some more.

H could say yes of course however given his state of mind right now he might just become more resentful .

Idk - I can explain it very well but it just doesn't seem like right timing ... Only you know what you need to do though.

We're here for you

[job]

willbewell,
Now is not the right time to ask your h to go to retrouville, Retrouville is for couples who are piecing or very close to piecing. Your h is no where near that stage since you stated he wants no responsibility at the home, etc.

If you were to approach him and ask him about attending, I doubt very seriously that he would want to go or he would go and then say it was a bunch of BS. Thus, resentment would be build because he would feel you are trying to fix him and the relationship and he's not ready for that right now.

Unfortunately, retrouville is for rebuilding marriages, i.e., trust, loyalty, communication, etc. If I recall, this is for couples and I don't think singles are encouraged to attend. My advice is to wait until you are sure you are piecing and he's more in tune w/the family and home. That way, both of you will get something out of it and can begin building a new relationship.

Just my two cents.

[JuneReN]

I agree. I know, if you are anything like me, you want more definitive answers. My IC used to call it "living in the grey". She said it wasn't an easy place to be and she was right.

I really feel for you and trust me, I know how you feel. But for better or worse, unfortunately, so do we all.

[willbwell]

retrouvaille thoughts cont...
I have made an app with a coach for tomorrow. I will bring it up with Lenny also.
Here's a little more to my thought process....
It is perhaps a last ditch effort on my part.
I do think I can claim to h that I have so very accommodating to his requests... I have not made any demands. I have acted with dignity and have been nothing but kind to him.

Yes, he has refused marriage counseling in the past. He is not interested in IC. I have not pushed it or made any ugly remarks about it.

H will say " why do I want him to do something he is not comfortable with doing." My response has been sometimes one does something for the greater good.

I know he may not get that and can only see/experience right now what is his own best interest.

Is it wrong or foolish to say...

You want D. I want therapy/counseling/retrouvaille (any one of these) Shouldn't you h have to compromise. I mean if you get what you want-D....What is it that I get??

I do not want to be manipulative here.
I don't see how it could hurt.
Why not give it a try?
H will not hold a resentment to me for making him go. I have already let him go... he has his freedom. we are married on paper only.
he would do it if it would mean he could have his D, which he is going to get anyway.

Do I get my heart broken again because he may not be into it?perhaps. But atleast I could say that I tried...

Thank you busting, job and kate's place(are you ruby??)for reading and feedback. i am afraid if we don't give it a try now(retrouvaille) then the D will go forward and that will be that.

I have to get off the computer now.
s17 and I share a computer and he is home so his turn- HW time.
I get up early 430ish central time. That is my computer time.

Yes, kate's place...hate living in the grey.