We have been estranged from his family for 2 years now, as of Christmas Day (long story). He has never really been close to his family, so I usually did shopping for them as well. He knows it has always been important to me to buy things for my family... they were not as well off as us, the gifts we sent were always very appreciated. But I am pretty sure what is important to me will fall by the wayside this year.
He is now back in touch with one of his sisters a little bit I think, but she lives abroad and he hasn't sent her anything for Christmas since she moved away anyways.
His family is very dysfunctional, I maintained a tenuous bridge between them for many years until I TOO became fed up with the way they treat people. They are the only family we have in this state so I tried to make it work for a LONG time.
Came to light recently that when he was fed up and said "we are done with them" several years ago, he really meant it and expected me to act as such. But I thought that was just something we said in the moment due to emotions, not because he actually meant it. So... I guess he took my staying in contact with his parents as ME disregarding his decision, not that I thought I was doing something to keep that connection for his sake and for our son's sake, since they are the only family members we have in this state. I thought it was important that we try to maintain a relationship and had them to rely on if we needed them. He felt differently, but didn't really reiterate after the first time he said it.
me-35 WAS-37 T-16 1/2 Son-14 (HF Aspergers) BD,ILYBINILWY,"I met my soulmate": Oct5,2013 "Letting go because I love him, holding on because I love him."
Well perhaps if you approach it matter of fact, and like I said, act " as if "...it won't be an issue. Especially if this was a traditional thing that was done.
So sorry about the misunderstanding between you two over family. I get what you mean, when he said something and you assumed something else. Women tend to vent and spout off , while not necessarily meaning what they say.
Men are different that way. Mars/Venus again!
I am learning to not assume I know anymore. I'm going to ask until I'm blue in the face.
I do wonder if the changes I've made within myself are noticed. I know my daughter has noticed a lot of my changes. The physical ones are the most obvious.
She did notice that I took several days to put together Thanksgiving, and how it created a more relaxing environment. I did enjoy myself so much more, and I really loved playing the board game on Thanksgiving.
It also felt good to dress up. My brother in law noticed and even commented on it.
I am noticing that my H. has become somewhat more distant with our communication. Texts are up, calls down, and more brief.
Also he is waiting to open e-mails longer, and responding later.
I'm beginning to wonder what is happening. Is he becoming more involved with someone? Is he pulling away? Is it the holidays?
I also wonder about him hugging and kissing me. Is he trying to see how he feels, or is it something else?
I know ....MLC takes time...It still hurts. It still doesn't feel normal. Thirty three years is a very long time to just turn off.
What I'm thankful for:
Electric space heaters
My daughter, who happened to pop by today
The love and support she gives me during this difficult period
The gym where I may work off some stress and calories
Tomorrow I need to put Autumnal decorations away, and start to put Christmas up.
I should spruce up the front of the house on the outside. It looks horrible and depressing.
It looks as if someone who lived here died...A part of me has
Formerly Workinprogress H :55 M :over 29 yrs. Together : 33 D : college D : adult BD and left : May 2013 Separated Experimenting/Replay
I am afraid if I ask about it he will perceive it as pressure or just evidence of what a greedy horrible person I am. I may just have to bite the bullet on this one. H spent money this weekend while "gone" it will be interesting to see if ANY of it was Christmas shopping, or if it was just more self indulging or buying guilt gifts for the OW. Trying real hard to not assume until I see what he spent it on, or don't. ======
I wish I had some insight into your H's changing behavior... is it possible that now that you are having more positive in person interactions he is just less needy/excited for the other kinds of interactions? *shrug*
I will say I am also thankful for electric heaters.
Remember, the changes you are making are MOSTLY for you. Don't worry if no one takes notice, YOU know you are making great changes. In time your H will see it too, I think it is just hard for them in their current state.
me-35 WAS-37 T-16 1/2 Son-14 (HF Aspergers) BD,ILYBINILWY,"I met my soulmate": Oct5,2013 "Letting go because I love him, holding on because I love him."
Ambivalent, Your h has noticed the changes and he may or may not say anything about them. He may be wondering and asking himself "why now" is she doing this. When it comes to the MLCer we really do not know what goes through their heads at any given time. He could be waiting to see if these changes are permanent or just to win him back. Time will tell...but you can be assured he notices.
As for his behavior, he's the typical MLCer and w/the holiday here, he may be busy w/his own life, i.e., work, social activities, etc. He also may be texting versus calling because he saw and enjoyed Thursday so much that he now needs to be some distance between you because he doesn't want to feel those warm and fuzzy feelings or he doesn't want to give you any indication that he may come back. See...their minds are in a whirl and we can't assume anything.
You are going to have a few good days this week to spruce up the front of your house and decorate for Christmas before it rains by the end of the week. Enjoy the warmer weather, take some walks w/your little furry creatures and relax a bit.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I would just accept the hugs and kisses as something that he did out of habit. I would disregard them at this time because his words and actions aren't complimenting each other.
Yes, he' distancing himself because of the holidays and whatever he's doing in his own personal life right now. How did he act on Thursday? Normal, not really there, etc? Did you notice his eyes? Where they sparkly or dull/dead, not sparkle at all?
He'll respond soon. Just have to be patient.
Relax and try not to over analyze his every word or action. There are so many ways that the things they say and do can be interpreted, it's just best to accept him for who he is today and live your life to the fullest.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I would just accept the hugs and kisses as something that he did out of habit.
If it was a habit we had, I would agree with you. It wasn't. We would peck, when we said goodbye. These were real hugs and firm kisses on the mouth.
Either testing himself, or LL kind of feeling. It wasn't awkward, they felt almost needy. (?)
Quote:
Yes, he' distancing himself because of the holidays and whatever he's doing in his own personal life right now. How did he act on Thursday? Normal, not really there, etc? Did you notice his eyes? Where they sparkly or dull/dead, not sparkle at all?
He was somewhere else. Not himself. This is the first I've seen a form of pain? No, twinkle. Not flat, but he was in his head, and observing occasionally.
He wasn't loving and touchy with the daughters. He was more somber. He is a VERY competitive person, with stories and conversation. He wasn't behaving this way. He was a one up storyteller, NONE of that.
He seemed quiet, distracted, at times amused. Normally he is charming. No charm, no happiness.
I wonder how uncomfortable he was really feeling. He was acting , he was masking. I could see it, but acted "as if" so all would enjoy the eve.
I wonder what amount of guilt he is feeling. I know he feels it, because of the times he has spoken, written and expressed it. He does have a conscience, this is part of his torment. I'm sure my unusual behavior for a LBS has him puzzled and confused too.
This is the first time where I could see him for several hours, and he seemed tired. Worn out, and yes maybe even depressed.
Weird how they think leaving us will "change" things. Except the change isn't exactly how they perceived it to be.
He still has a ton of bills, the stress with what that brings. Now he is alone quite a bit with his thoughts. He has to take a blue pill to sustain an erection, and not with me. He has to do it with someone else. That has to be a punch in the stomach!
He has to come to terms with what staying out late and getting up early does to his 55 year old body. He is pre-diabetic, and must exercise regularly to control it, not just to look better but for true health reasons.
I vacillate between pity and sorrow. I still have pain, but this is the first time I could see his. I see where distance would be desired.
Why is it that an intelligent being can lose all rational thought? It makes me never want to vote for a President during the years crisis usually happen. We should only vote for someone in their late 60's.
It is so unnerving. I hope he doesn't become erratic or do more damage. It is difficult enough as it is now.
I'm detaching more and able to look down from the ceiling. Yes, I cry now and again. Not like I used to , I go with it and then it's over. I don't look forward to seeing him. It is an uncomfortable feeling to acknowledge.
It seems almost like work. I am starting to pull away and feel as if I will lose my love for him. As if this shell of a human is not even a friend. For with friends there is some form of connection. I am losing this, I do feel the pain of feeling this. I don't like this feeling, and it hurts to be so alienated.
I go between numb and sorrow. I still prefer not to be with friends. The dancing gives me SO much more. I don't have to pretend, or explain.
I can just feel the music, dance , and smile from ear to ear. It is truly better than anything I could imagine...who'd a thunk?
Formerly Workinprogress H :55 M :over 29 yrs. Together : 33 D : college D : adult BD and left : May 2013 Separated Experimenting/Replay
There is not a lot to discuss. I don't have any money. I've already told you that between paying for D's appartment and our living expenses, we go negative every month. At this moment, I don't know how I'm going to pay for college next semester, much less your school.
You tell me what should not get paid that free's up christmas money. You should really have some kind of income.
On another note, I paid for propane to be delivered. They might make it today but certainly by tomorrow.
Wow, how depressing. I have no clue how to even respond to this.
I am seeking employment, and dealing with this as well as school.
He is feeling a ton of pressure right now.
Why doesn't he just come home and cut the expenses? It seems so stupid. I can bake things for family.
He is going down, I can feel it. How do I deal with this? He spent money on a trailer hitch. He spent money in gas going back and forth two to three hours to hunt, for weeks!
How can he not see this? Yes, I need to make money, but I can only do so much...I cannot make someone hire me.
Feeling a touch of anxiety right now.
Formerly Workinprogress H :55 M :over 29 yrs. Together : 33 D : college D : adult BD and left : May 2013 Separated Experimenting/Replay
Well, he responded a bit quicker than I thought he would. I was expecting a response this evening.
Okay, here's the poor me, I don't have money coming into the play. Funny how they have money for those things that THEY want. I have noticed he keeps reminding you that you need to get a job w/some nice income. He wants you to get a job so that you can pay your own living expenses and free up his income to do whatever he wants. Well, I hate to tell him this, if it comes a divorce, he may very well be paying quite a bit for alimony until you can get up on your feet.
Now, about Christmas...how about doing some little gift baskets of chocolates, nuts, candy, etc. You can buy it in bulk at BJ's or Costco. Go to Michael's or A.C. Moore and get some cute little baskets. If you look around in the bins, you can find some really nice ones that are not expensive.
At least the propane will be delivered. You should try to monitor it because your pipes will freeze if you don't have heat throughout the house.
Oh, yeah, he's feeling pressure. He's got you and the girls needing money for college, apartments and living expenses, he's got his own living expenses and if he's hooking up w/someone, he's got expenses there too. Poor man, he didn't find the goose that lays golden eggs while on his search for happiness.
He's not going to come home to cut the expenses. He doesn't want to be there right now. He's not happy there and probably feels smothered w/everything in his mind, heart and soul. Depression has got her hold on him tightly and he's going to have to hit bottom before he will come up to the surface again.
BTW, People in their 60's and 70's can have a crisis too...so voting for people in office...well you can rely on ages of 40 and 50 being a true number there. LOL!
If he continues to harp about money, you may very well have to take in a boarder. This could work out very well for you because the individual could help w/the heating and electrical expenses. Just a thought.
How to respond...just say thank you for calling in the order for propane. Nothing more because the conversation about money has made the around Robin Hood's barn a couple of times already. There's nothing you can do to fix him or his situation. You are doing everything within your power to get a job somewhere, even if it's not what you want to do right now.
He's got to go through this in order to get to the other side.
I have a question and you do not need to answer it unless you want to. Is the apartment he is referencing for your daughter the one that is 27? If so, it's time she took care of her own expenses and if she can't afford it, time to look for something within her price range or get a roommate. If this is for your daughter that is in college, she may need to consider going in w/someone else and renting a place. Money can only go so far and it appears that he's using his money elsewhere.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I have a question and you do not need to answer it unless you want to. Is the apartment he is referencing for your daughter the one that is 27? If so, it's time she took care of her own expenses and if she can't afford it, time to look for something within her price range or get a roommate. If this is for your daughter that is in college, she may need to consider going in w/someone else and renting a place. Money can only go so far and it appears that he's using his money elsewhere. Top
No this is my one in college.
She is working part time, going to school full time and she has two room mates .
How 'bout :
Thanks for the propane.
I'm working on a job , as you know it can take time.
Formerly Workinprogress H :55 M :over 29 yrs. Together : 33 D : college D : adult BD and left : May 2013 Separated Experimenting/Replay
