But you backslid on tbe alpha behavior by ASKING?? her if you can hold her? Real men don't ask they just do it. You probably expect us to tell you its not manly to hols her all night, but actuall its not what you do but how you do it!! Don't sk for her premission...that's a turn off for women. Take charge!! Or don't do it at all. No middle ground. You are not her gay friend, you are a strong man who doesn't worry about what women or otber men think of you.
I'll go ahead and insert my female perspective here - SM is soooo right. Don't ask. Please. The thought of it makes me cringe. I'm not saying drag her by her hair into your cave, but if you're going to test & check, then just do it. Make sure you are assertive, but not aggressive, and please only do it if you think you're really in a good place to do so. If she responds neutrally or negatively, say nothing and back off.
I am not the WAS in our M, but I will say that I spent a good deal of our M challenging my H so he would be more assertive. Somehow he would just let me decide everything (saying he didn't care or had no opinion), but guess what? It turns out he has a whole $hit can of resentment about it. I'll be honest - I respect him more now (and am more attracted to him than ever) that he had the balls to move out than I did when he was not standing up for himself.
(Don't worry, I am in IC.)
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
Be assertive, take charge, lead the way. If she responds negatively to affection you give out, brush it of as 'oh its your loss' type of thing. Dont say anything or ask why or how it makes her feel. Just go about your business as if you are the coolest person ever.
In fact, you are so cool and sexy and manly that it HURTS. that's the frame of mind you need right now.
Stop asking any questions about anything at all. Practice that. Be conscious if it. Stop yourself when you do it!!
Also practice talking much slower than you are used to and in a deeper voice. When she talks to you, look her in the eyes and don't let your eyes wander around. No fidgiting with your hands while you talk. If you need to blink, blink really slowly lol. Sounds funny but its true.
These things are all traits that strong men have. Right now you need to use language, body language, posture etc to show your assertive and dominant side. I can guarantee you that she sees you as submissive and its not helping her be attracted to you.
Practice makes perfect!
Me, H-34 now 38 W-32 now 35 T-13 now 18 years M-6 now 9 Daughter 3 years now 7 Bomb 11/27/12 - OM 1 year in house separation Reconciliation 12/2013. Healed now 2017
Melissa pls expand on the 'challenging my husband' part. Those are the wide fitness tests we were talking about earlier. Commonly known as $hit tests
Every man should be aware of when a tantrum his wife is having is a fitness test.
Me, H-34 now 38 W-32 now 35 T-13 now 18 years M-6 now 9 Daughter 3 years now 7 Bomb 11/27/12 - OM 1 year in house separation Reconciliation 12/2013. Healed now 2017
I guess it was not very Alpha to ask if i could hold her. I will remember this. Go big or go home.
I went out with my buddies Friday night. W already had plans so I didn't even bother. We went out, had a great time, I had one of my friends take my phone at the end of the night so that there would be no unnecessary contact. (this worked wonders).
I ended up staying over at his house until about 6 PM on Saturday just watching football. W had daughter over at her moms house and didn't get home until around 9 PM.
And this is where this little tidbit came in.
Originally Posted By: SM34
Take not of this ^^^^
From the mouth of a woman!!
Be assertive, take charge, lead the way. If she responds negatively to affection you give out, brush it of as 'oh its your loss' type of thing. Dont say anything or ask why or how it makes her feel. Just go about your business as if you are the coolest person ever.
In fact, you are so cool and sexy and manly that it HURTS. that's the frame of mind you need right now.
Stop asking any questions about anything at all. Practice that. Be conscious if it. Stop yourself when you do it!!
When I got home, I read this advice from SM34. I'll admit that I was already in a really good state of mind from having fun this weekend, but this prepared me for when W got home.
I had a nice big smile on my face. Gave D a big hug and told her how much I loved her. W was busy doing something in the other room, getting more stuff to move downstairs I assume. I didn't even bother going to her. I didn't ask her if she needed help, didn't ask her how things went.
After about 10 minutes W came into the living room and kind of just stood next to me. (kind of looked at me like she wanted to talk) So just said hey! whats up! (cool and collected like there wasn't a thing wrong in the world)
She asked if I had noticed that she moved her things downstairs. And if I was ok. I told her that i knew it was coming, and that i'll survive. (she seemed really upset by this) She asked if I wanted to talk. I said sure, what would you like to talk about?
She asked me about my night, told her I had a great time, and that my buddies wanted me to go out again, but I told them that i was short on cash, and i really wanted to get home so i could see my D. (I wish you could have seen the look on her face. It was a CRINGE. this was the first time that I have not included her as being missed)
She was on the verge of tears, i just sat and smiled to her. She told me that she felt like we haven't seen each other all weekend. (apparently this bothered her???) And was wondering if we could set some time aside so that we could do something together. ( I wasn't sure how to answer this, I didn't want to turn her down, but I didn't want to seem to eager.) I just said. "i'm sure we could figure something out"
This is the first time she has asked me to do ANYTHING, or even seemed like she remotely cared about doing anything together.
I was really in a great state of mind. I felt like I was the one being pursued.
She eventually started crying and told me how hard this was for her and that she doesn't know what to do. (I validated this)
Not trying to say I'm making progress, but it was definitely a different set of behaviors than what I've seen over the past two months.
You went out with the boys, and then came back happy. If i were a WAS I think I know what I would be thinking!
Then when you didn't pursure, didn't act needy, didn't follow her around looking for validation, you made her wonder even more.
Then when you were anxious to see your daughter but not necessarily the wife, that added even more mystery.
Then, you focused on being an awesome father, and that (I have been told by many women) is the most attractive thing a father can be.
THEN, to to top it all off, you were not concrned about her moving downstairs and you didn't jump at the chance to spend time with her!!
AWESOME JOB!!
Now keep it up. Remember, you are so cool and so attactrive that it HURTS. That is a line from 'A mans guide to good relationships and marriage', and is a line that stuck with me.
There is a lot you can read about body language that will blow you away. Women get hit on tens of times a day and learn to read subtle cues from body language that tell them how confident and self assured you are before you even open your mouth.
Here is anothed one I like. When you sit down to talk to her, spread yourself out to take up as much space as possible. An alpha male sticks his legs out infront of him and sits back in his share with an open chest. A shy anxious man sits hunched over with his head down, and legs bent and tucked under hus chair. How are YOU sitting right now? Yup, thought so. Sit back! You are a cool dude!
Me, H-34 now 38 W-32 now 35 T-13 now 18 years M-6 now 9 Daughter 3 years now 7 Bomb 11/27/12 - OM 1 year in house separation Reconciliation 12/2013. Healed now 2017
Thanks SM34, Definitely something to think about. These small concious decisions we can make to appear more confident really can make a difference. I will have to continue to remind myself that I CAN conciously change my body language.
This morning my W made a comment. "I can't wait to be here tonight"
Now, in context, she was pretty much gone all weekend, and i'm sure she is tired from running around all over. But that statement is much different than. "I'm not comfortable here and don't want to be here".
Secondly, when i was leaving for work this morning, she said.. "So I'll see you tonight then?". Seemingly small, but a hint of inquiry. Instead of, "have a nice day"
I'm not trying to analyze every single thing that happens, but I am trying to notice subtle changes.
Just finished Chapter 3 in DR! Also reading:
5LL The Married Man Sex Life (Athol Kay) Happiness is a Choice.
Currently working on:
CONFIDENCE (let me say it again) CONFIDENCE GAL Acting as if
Sounds like you've been doing great, but I have to warn you that it's easier when the was is engaged and "leaning in" as your W is doing right now.
She *will* "lean out" again, and that is what you need to be prepared for, so don't let your guard down or scale back on your GAL at all.
She doesn't like change or uncertainty either, but feels better about it when she feels she's in control -- when you take away her control, she will try to get you back on the hook so she feels in control again, and will then likely distance once more.
The BEST situation for her right now is that she can do what she wants, and you patiently sit at home pining away for her and offering her a soft landing if she chooses to return.
That's the WORST situation for you.
You've started to shake that up, and she's reacted by leaning back in -- at some point you may see backlash where rather than use the carrot to get you back where she wants you, she'll start to use the stick and get mean or angry with you, or try to manipulate you.
Your goal is to maintain a baseline -- if she's super happy and engaging, you are more or less neutral. If she's mean and distant, you are still neutral and happy.
When the WAS alternates between mean and nice, it's called "riding the rollercoaster" if your emotions go along with them. High highs and low lows. Don't do it.
The other thing to be aware of is that WAS will often do "touch and go's", which is to say that they will "try on" being nice to you, or re-engaging with you to see how they feel. Then, they will catch themselves, worry about the signals they are sending, and go completely cold like flicking a switch. It can leave you wondering what you did wrong, but it has nothing to do with you.
You must KNOW this is coming, and prepare for it, and then when it happens just completely ignore it like nothing happened. Keep up with your GAL and your act-as-if.
I also have to warn you that the alpha male / Athol Kay stuff can seem like a good path to follow and an apparent path to fixing your marriage, but it is not quick or easy, and threatens to separate you from "who you are" and leave you feeling like you're putting on an act. Embrace as much as makes sense to you and no more.
You don't have to be superman, that's not reasonable.
Acc
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
If she comments again about the fact that she has moved out of the bedroom, I might say something like "If you decide you want to move back into the bedroom, there will be some conditions we need to discuss" and leave it at that.
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
Well I agree with Melissa. I have been M to a passive man. I hated it. I tested him by getting meaner. I wanted him to stand up to me and show that he could make a decision! I wanted him to act like a man and initiate something other than sex! I wanted him to show some backbone and spunk. His passivity and my reaction to it ruined our MR. Of course, it wasn't just the passivity, but that was the beginning of our breakdown. I believe women lose respect for a passive H. It may help you to read hold on to your nuts.
When we were first M, he would sit up and watch TV instead of sleeping in bed with me (after we had sex, of course). I resented it a lot. Over the years, I told him many times how important it was to me that he go to bed with me, but he would not compromise. I'm glad you are willing to change your behavior toward the video game while your M is still young.
I am still M to the same man, but things got really bad before they got better. Don't give up hope b/c your M can be saved. The night you came home after being out with your buddies is a good example of the type of attitude to show with her. Cool and unruffled by what she says or does.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
