Don't Break Character

[Raine]

Thank you BklynMom, AJ, Bea, job, uR, and complicated for your posts. They've been such an encouragement for me. It's good to know this is normal and to put my eyes on the end goal and know that I can do anything temporary.

job, I cherish your insights. I would love to hear anything you feel is appropriate and helpful from DebM. I am having flashbacks. They're pretty bad and pretty intense, and so unexpected. Odd things will trigger me and cause a panic/anxiety attack. But this last week has been a lot better than the week before. Everything just keeps getting better.

uR, thank you so much for your post. You nailed it for me. I am totally going through the stages of grief. It has not been as bad as it was during BD1, but far worse than I anticipated. I've gotten to a really good mindset because of things you've made me consider and think about. I'll share more of that later.

complicated, here's my timeline:
First signs of MLC and replay that I know about happened in 2010. I'm guessing other things were building up as of 2009. He admitted to some minor replay happening in 2010 (OW2), although he denies it now. I recall a conversation we had in 2010 where he talked about being disconnected, where something was wrong with him. He didn't feel like himself. We've later talked about this and it's pretty clear to me that was him entering the MLC tunnel/depression. At the time we interpreted it as homesickness.

He started having feelings and getting involved with OW1 in May 2012. I haven't fully confirmed that with him. June 2012 he admitted to depression and needing a C.

The first BD was Aug 2012. I was two weeks pregnant. It was a very calm "we need to get a divorce." No argument, no fight, nothing preempting it. We were watching TV together. I reacted pretty disingenuous, followed by complete anger when he actually left and did not come home. I'm guessing this is when he went to go and have sex with the first OW I found out about. I call her OW1 for that reason, but she was not the first for him, but she was the main, the one he felt he was in love with. He left for a few days, came back for three weeks, then instigated an argument and left for another week. We were back together Sept-Oct.

On Halloween I found out about OW1 and we separated for 7 months. Based on his MO, I would assume he wanted to come back home after one month of S, because of the hints he was dropping then. I told him he couldn't come home how he was.

He was in a very dark place during those seven months. He would go weeks without seeing me or the kids or communicating with them. He would spend hours and days in his room watching TV. He developed new friends, very geeky, below him, socially inept friends that he would spend a lot of time with. He would also cycle between multiple OW.

April 2012 I had our baby. He came home for two weeks to help and then moved back out again. End of May I went to a family wedding without him. I was preparing to file for D at that time. He hit such a deep, dark depression that I was very concerned about suicide and keeping an eye on him. He came to me during this time saying he was having a difficult time finding a place to rent and had to move by June 1. I told him he could stay here until he found a place. He moved back in under that pretense. He was going to sleep on the couch, but I setup a room for him. He continued to see OW1 & OW4 sporadically, sneaking. He made plans to see OW3, but changed his mind. His main relationship and the one he had "feelings" for is OW1. I don't know how many times they broke up and made up. It was a very volatile relationship. The last time he had any contact with any OW was first part of Aug 2013. He has completely cut out OW. He has stopped any kind of flirtations with any woman, even safe, married friends since Oct 2013.

He stayed in his own room until Oct 1, and then during a conversation at that time I told him where he slept was his choice. He has been sleeping in the MB since. We started ML a few weeks later.

Right now we are not talking about the past. We have not discussed our relationship, although he has said things like, "we have a diff relationship now than we did in the summer." He hasn't told me he loves me. Last time he did was Christmas 2012. He is starting to use pet names. He is complimenting me a lot, as of this last week, "I like your hair, I like that shirt on you, you look beautiful, etc.

There is lots and lot of affection. Kissing and hugging for no reason, just because. Even if I'm hanging out in a room alone, he will come in and kiss me and hug me and then go back to what he is doing. Constant affection. It's electric. He is affectionate in public and in front of people we know.

He wants to be with me constantly. He is concerned that I am okay, that I have time to myself. He is very protective of me. He will jump all over the boys if they even come close to being disrespectful.

He goes with me when I run errands. He doesn't want me to just go myself (unless I want to.) He wants to be as a family all the time. He is talking about me at work. He wants to share things with me. He tells me everything going on, who he is talking to, what he is doing. He wants to entertain here at our house. We did a big thanksgiving and had all of my family here. He loved it. My brother told me that he can't believe the way that H looks at me.

He doesn't lock his car anymore. He has had me drive it. (He was keeping stuff in his car, reply stuff.) He doesn't have locks or openly shows me stuff on his electronic devices.

He is cutting back on time with his new friends that he acquired during S. He wants me with him when he spends time with them, and he complains about them. These were people he was spending 5-6 nights a week with when S and first moving back home. These friends, one in particular is having a very hard time with my H not being as available anymore.

He is extremely helpful. Way more than before, than ever. He just gets it done. He doesn't ask or wait, he just does it. He will ask as well, what he can do, once he has done everything he can think of.

He is a better father than he has ever been. He works with the kids on their home work. He plays games with them. He is showing his authority much more. There are still times son9 will question him, like when H has said yes, but son9 will ask him if I have said yes. He got irritated at the boys because he had to ask him three times to do something, and on the third time he raised his voice. I went over and hugged him and he was trying not to cry. He wanted to know if it was okay. That he wants to be patient with them, but that he shouldn't have to ask three times. I said he was right on the money and that he needs to keep following through like he has.

Me? Well me. I'm tabling the pain and the questions and piss and [censored] and lies that kill other people. I'm putting it on hold for now. And I'm okay with that. Because it was killing the reconnection in me. The reconnection was happening so fast and it was scaring me to death. I was feeling trapped. But I realized, I'm not strong enough for that yet. He is not strong enough for that yet. We together are not strong enough to make it through that yet. And once I was able to just put that to the side "for now," my heart started to open up more than I ever thought possible.

I realized something looking into those eyes of his that I had thought I knew. But I didn't. I know more now than I ever have. It was always me. I am the one he loves. I am the one he would go through Hell for. And the amount of pain he is in right now trying to come to grips with all he has done to me and the ones he loves is unbearable. It's incredibly hard to see him going through that. I look at the pain I'm going through, and you know what, I think my pain would be ten times more if I had been the cause of this kind of pain towards someone I love. No wonder he wants to bury it. I get it. I don't want to see him hurt either. I wish it was easier to fix.

And I know he wants to bury it again. But it's not going to happen. I know he wants to brush it aside and get right back into living life as if none of it happened. But I have told myself, that's okay, for now. But not for always. I can't go through this again when those buried feelings come back to haunt us both. He tried to use his line the other day about burying it and making diamonds, and I said, "Nope. It's not going to happen. Feelings buried alive come back to haunt." (Thanks AJ!)

I feel so much love and compassion towards him that it's overwhelming. He kisses me, and my heart skips a beat. I'm falling for him. It's exciting. It's all new. It feels like a brand new relationship. We laugh, and joke, and tease each other. We're still shy around each other in a lot of ways too.

And every day it's getting better. It's really good. And I'm enjoying it. And that's the plan. Enjoy what I have and stop worrying about the things I am incapable of dealing with now. Because I can't. It's too much for me and it's too much for him. And I'm okay with that. Nothing has to happen now.