Ready for Love

[reachingHigher]

Hi FY!

I like job's honest comments and possibilities.

I saw my GYN recently and she said MANY women feel that way that "don't wanna know" and that's why doctors always hafta press us to get screenings, etc. obviously many women aren't in MLC so maybe it's a common feeling? Your W is just expressing what many women feel?

We just take everything personally about the R when we are the LBS. Understandably so.

My mom was just 4 years older than your W is currently, when she died of breast cancer. She took all the treatment and died anyway. Maybe your W has considered such cases and really feels (atm) that treatment wouldn't be worth it. It might've had nothing to do with you.

Since my H has been back, he has said many things about death/dying/retirement that are different then how he felt before. I just listen. I know it doesn't hafta do with his love for me.

Just to encourage you it may not be a big red flag signal from W. Just an innocent discussion. And you did great being there for her, helping her, and validating her, btw!

[ForeverYoung]

The best approach is to casually ask her why she feels the way she does and see what she has to say.

Thanks job, for your answer.

I can tell you that based on other conversations, W feels little excitement for life period. She feels trapped and stuck, and this has little to do with any potential future health issues. So my guess is her answer to the above question would be "I've got nothing great in my life, feel nothing great for you, and see little hope for anything better".

She's only still here because she has no better options. "Everyone has to have food and shelter" she told me one time. I guess I'm good at helping provide that in a comfortable enough, pressure free atmosphere.

So maybe asking the question would be a mistake, causing her to focus on her plight as she see's it, and offering nothing good for either of us.

I would like to guide her to start seeking some serious solutions to her depression, but I know I can't tell her.

[RosaLinda]

"I'm thinking my "something new" may be to ask W if she thinks it's normal for people to not care whether they check out of life, or feel like they have little reason to live. I'm hoping this might encourage her to seek help."

My H is the same way FY. He used to have so many interests and hobbies and was so active. Now he is a depressed lump. At least your W works and shows some interest in FB and her little Seinfeld group of friends (that cracks me up, I can just picture two Elaines dancing )

I really feel that antidepressants would help a lot of these MLCers get over this horrible anhedonia. They feel hopeless and helpless, and cannot raise a lick of excitement about anything. But they have to be willing to seek treatment. I'm on the fence about you asking your question. Might do more harm than good, but on the other hand, if her answer was no, it's not normal to not care whether they "check out," maybe it would encourage her to seek help. T2 might be a good one to ask, he has some psych experience.

[JFun51]

Thanks job, for your answer.

I can tell you that based on other conversations, W feels little excitement for life period. She feels trapped and stuck, and this has little to do with any potential future health issues. So my guess is her answer to the above question would be "I've got nothing great in my life, feel nothing great for you, and see little hope for anything better".

She's only still here because she has no better options. "Everyone has to have food and shelter" she told me one time. I guess I'm good at helping provide that in a comfortable enough, pressure free atmosphere.

Almost identical to where my W is. She wants no responsibility. She doesn't want to wash clothes, wash dishes, pay bills, put kids to bed, etc, etc, etc. She has not been to a GYN since our second child was born over 10 years ago. She has invited me to leave on numerous occasions. She has no other viable option.

[JuneReN]

Annddd....chiming in cuz H was in the same place. He is coming out, but still has a ways to go.

Is it normal to feel that way? No, but asking your wife won't cause an epiphany. Sadly, this is not something you can really help with.

A friend of mine has suffered from depression for years. His wife just told him she is done. That caused him to seek help. So I think that unless you find something more to lose than yourself it's a really long road.

[ForeverYoung]

Thanks RL, JF and Kate for stopping by. It really means a lot to me to get input from other fine DB'ers.

At least your W works and shows some interest in FB and her little Seinfeld group of friends...

And she still talks to me and we do meals, errands and some family stuff together.

I'm back to compassion mode, where I feel she is doing the best that she can at the moment. I really can't ask for anything more, and as I alluded to in my last post, I have not asked any depression related questions, because I agree with this:

Is it normal to feel that way? No, but asking your wife won't cause an epiphany. Sadly, this is not something you can really help with.

So unless it comes up, I will not initiate the depression discussion... I think.

She wants no responsibility. She doesn't want to wash clothes, wash dishes, pay bills, put kids to bed, etc, etc, etc. She has invited me to leave on numerous occasions. She has no other viable option.

My W does her share of the chores, so I can't complain. She has suggested I find a new W, and even pointed out possible candidates, but thankfully that was last year, and I've not heard this for a while now.

W also makes more than enough money to live comfortably on her own, but is still here. I accept part of the credit for this because I made a comfortable, pressure free environment in our home. The rest I attribute to luck. Last New Years Eve, she commented on how she "didn't run away last year"(!)

You are still early in this JF, and your W is deep in the hate mode. If you're lucky,(?) you'll make it through that into the looooong limbo mode. Seriously, I considered my M DB'ed a long time ago. Now I'm waiting/hoping for W to sign up and work on a new and better marriage before I pull the plug. Wish me luck!

A friend of mine has suffered from depression for years. His wife just told him she is done. That caused him to seek help. So I think that unless you find something more to lose than yourself it's a really long road.

That "something more to lose" may eventually come to a marriage near me. Loveless limbo can only last so long. I'm not losing myself to save this M.

[Takevowsserious]

Hi FY

I've been thinking about what your wife said, it reminded me a lot of things my H has said in the past.

A few months post- bomb, he and I had a huge fight after I found a pic of him and FT (that's a whole other story, lol!!)

Anyway, during that argument he told me he thought about sabotaging his health by not taking his medication. That he would just stop taking it, not tell anyone including his doctors. That he wanted to speed up the process of him dying.

He's still taking all his meds

I think depression does truly make them say these types of things. I also think that reality is much different than a hypothetical situation. Who is to say what your wife would really do if she got bad medical news.

During another talk many months later, he told me "I have nothing."
I reminded him that he had two wonderful children. He got teary and agreed, saying they are the best thing he's ever done. But it was as if he forgot.

Their thinking can be so skewed and self-involved, and they cannot see the love others have for them, can't see how they matter to their loved ones. It's sad.

You're right, loveless limbo can only last so long. There's giving it all we got, and there's sacrificing ourselves and our happiness.

I know how much you love your wife. I hope someday she remembers and realizes all she has to lose with you.

Keep busting on my friend!

[Portia]

FY

Did I tell you how amazing I think you are?

You deserve to be loved. Loveless limbo isn't a forever state and it is very healthy and balanced of you to realize that. It is also hard to cut ties. Skippy skips in and out and I still can't seem to completely be done.

Depression is a tough one. Especially on friends and family. Ultimately though, she needs to be the one to seek help. Otherwise it will do no good.

Take care of you!!

[ForeverYoung]

Awww, thanks ladies.

There's giving it all we got, and there's sacrificing ourselves and our happiness.

You know, I was only 18 when I met W. After 30+ years together, I didn't even know I had a self! We truly were "As One". I believe we will be again one day.

It is also hard to cut ties.

It most certainly is, and I believe my W is worth a lot of trouble and pain. That's why I'm not cuttin' anything, and not giving up. Jack told me not to!

[Wonka]

FY,

I have a secret crush on you and T!

As you say, "Bust On!"