Sometimes I worry that he is playing me - he can be a master manipulator when he wants and I feel like I am always on guard against that. I have fallen for that too many times in the past.
This is how I feel too, 2t. This is the hard part for us, knowing when to do or not do something. When you've fallen many times before it makes you start to question yourself. I need to dig deeper within myself on this subject too.
It sounds like you are getting quite a few small positives from your H. It's funny though that he doesn't like to be texted while sleeping. Um, if that bothers him why not turn the cell off?? LOL. It's not like he has to jump up and read every text that is sent.
Me:49 H:47 S: 16 T:27 M:25 My EA: 2001 His PA: 10/2007, 6/2013 Separated, but H still in house
Find your Shambala: a place of peace and happiness.
H's primary means of communication has become texting. The funny thing is, a year ago he wanted nothing to do with texting. I prefer that old fashioned thing called a telephone, but he wants to text for some reason.
He leaves his phone on at night because he is usually asleep when we are working here - there is nearly a 12 hour time difference. He wants to be available if something important comes up that we need him for in the business. (On a weekend, I don't know).
There hasn't been a lot of communication between us for months when he is gone. He said that was going to change. But, so far, he keeps blowing me off. I will just stop trying and go back to letting him initiate.
I think TigerLily is right ... he needs to distance again. Plus, I gave him a lot to think about regarding his request for a D. It's probably best to STFU and let him sort it all out on his own.
Hugs to you, too, my MLC sister.
Me: 59 and holding H: :53 Me: 1 S, 1 D, both grown M: 19 T: 23 BD: 9-23-2013
Yes, I think letting him initiate texts except when you need to contact him out of necessity is probably better. That puts it back on him to draw closer again.
I know it is funny about the texting. My H HATED cell phones and never wanted one until his MLC and getting an OW... now it is such a pervasive presence. He is behaving exactly like all those people he used to complain about who were annoying and disruptive in their phone habits. :P
me-35 WAS-37 T-16 1/2 Son-14 (HF Aspergers) BD,ILYBINILWY,"I met my soulmate": Oct5,2013 "Letting go because I love him, holding on because I love him."
Okay ... while h was home, I told him that I thought the business over there was his real mistress and that all the other stuff was his way of fulfilling needs that the business couldn't. I didn't think it got through to him, but ...
In a conversation with BIL he said I was right. He told him (and he had said to me) that if he had known where this road would take him that he never would have gone there. He said that he has destroyed his marriage and regretted it.
At least I know I got through to him. But, my question is ... Is this something that I should find encouraging? That he is at least thinking logically somewhere in that fog?
He did say when I was driving him to the airport that he didn't want to go back ... that on last trips he couldn't wait to get out of here, but this time he didn't want to leave.
Am I latching on to false hope? I thought what he said was just to placate me, keep control, and further his goals. Is opening up to BIL, whom he has never been that close to, a good sign?
Am I being too optimistic?
Me: 59 and holding H: :53 Me: 1 S, 1 D, both grown M: 19 T: 23 BD: 9-23-2013
No, but then again, unless and until your H is at a point he is going to do what it takes to right the wrongs, there is nothing else going to happen.
Cautiously hopeful would be a better stance. He may know, but he also needs to do what it takes or it's meaningless at this point.
My thoughts,
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
I think AJM said it well. My H seems to have some moments of clarity like this too, but his actions are still those of someone confused and not ready to turn their journey in a different direction yet.
Like you, it gives me hope that at some level he is beginning to understand that the fantasy/escape is not bringing the lasting happiness they expected it to. But that doesn't mean they won't keep trying at it for awhile longer "just to be sure."
me-35 WAS-37 T-16 1/2 Son-14 (HF Aspergers) BD,ILYBINILWY,"I met my soulmate": Oct5,2013 "Letting go because I love him, holding on because I love him."
While he was here, he did start reconnecting with his family. He went to his brother's house on Thanksgiving day (I declined his invitation to join him - wanted him to have space to see them on his terms). I can't remember the last time he did that without a formal invitation for some family get-together.
He also went to his parents house for dinner one night when I was out. That was a disaster - he and his Dad just don't see eye-to-eye on much of anything. He came home and started taking his frustrations out on me, we fought and that was the night he left the house and spent the night at the office.
I had dreaded going with him to see them and was really glad when he didn't suggest we all go to dinner or something. I felt really bad that things got so ugly - I knew I could have run interference for him - but, he has to rebuild his life himself and be accountable for what he has done. Still, it's tough to just sit back and watch it.
New rules on the texting. He texted this morning (I hadn't even had a sip of coffee yet) and said that not contacting each other when one of us may be asleep only left about a 5 hour window and that it s#$@ed. So, we agreed to text at anytime - he will set his texting app to silent when he's asleep.
As hard as it was, I did not contact him during our "black out" and it seems he didn't like that. I think I will still stick to replies for the most part with maybe a occasional "touch base" text so he doesn't think I'm completely ignoring him.
Thoughts?
Me: 59 and holding H: :53 Me: 1 S, 1 D, both grown M: 19 T: 23 BD: 9-23-2013
I am glad your H managed to realize for himself that the communication issue was HIS problem to resolve, not yours.
I do think staying dim will continue to help you. Let him initiate most of the contact (I am doing terrible at this myself today, so do what I say and not what I do)... it seems like that strategy has been really effective. And if it works, keep working it.
me-35 WAS-37 T-16 1/2 Son-14 (HF Aspergers) BD,ILYBINILWY,"I met my soulmate": Oct5,2013 "Letting go because I love him, holding on because I love him."
