on the edge pt 2

[sandi2]

Here's a few things that you need to know.

"Great time with everyone else but she was just a bit strange. Its hard to explain but she treated me like we were just really good friends would be the best way to describe it. Not a lot of touching or closeness."

Does her family know she has left you and moved out?

I think she will want a "friendship" relationship with you. As long as she still has contact with OM she won't desire you to be doing much touching.

"She decided she didn't like that I was having fun with her family"

That is true in most cases when a S has just occurred. You do not need to hang out with her family. It will add more anger to her negative feelings toward you. Besides, it really serves the MR no purpose, and won't earn you any points with her. It is best to stay clear from in-laws. Even if they are crazy about you, it puts them in an unfair position.

If she can't commit to no contact with OM while living with her H, what makes you think she would honor your wishes while the two of you are separated? She's already proved she is hooked and can't go without contacting.

My advice is to go dark as night. Let her see what life without you will be. Let the two of them burn out. Maybe she'll begin to see a little reality. Let her go through the holidays without you. Don't show up at her folks house.

[dingo]

Well - the separation wasn't final until today. We went into the holiday weekend hoping that a good weekend together might help the situation a little. It clearly didnt. I won't be spending any more time with in laws soon. I think they do know now that she is moving out but did not before.

She says so many conflicting things that it's impossible to keep track. She's said everything from I'm leaving you for the om to I just hope that me moving out doesn't doom our marriage. She has committed to no contact a few times and has always reverted. She has also seen him everyday at work so no contact really isnt, even when they arent talking outside of work. She says she misses him and wants to hear his voice and has moments of weakness. Frankly i think its all excuses.

I think she is hoping that being away from me will make her miss me and she will really realize what she is giving up. She also starts a new job in 2 weeks so that could help if she can put forth some real effort to stay away.

She has suggested that we meet up for dinner a few times a week or get coffee in the morning. She wants to spend Christmas together but not with each others families. She also wants to come decorate "our" house. I haven't spoken with her since this mmorning. Do you recommend zero contact with her? If she calls or texts do i not respond?

[melissag]

Dingo, sorry things didn't go as you hoped, but it does sound like your W needs more than one good weekend to figure out her stuff. I think the fact that she is contradicting herself is a good thing. It means she is confused on some level. And it may be excuses, but it's probably the truth that she is having trouble giving up the OM, even if it is what she wants.

I wouldn't ignore her calls and texts - that's just being cold. However, I am not too well versed in how to handle a WAS in an A situation, so I am sure someone else will weigh in on that!

[completelylost]

I don't say this lightly because I know it's EXTREMELY difficult, but I say this because you need to.. Let her go! She needs to understand that while you love and care for her you won't stand for an affair of ANY kind. Self respect and dignity are very important to maintain and that is about YOU and has NOTHING to do with "winning" her back. Myself nor anyone else here can tell you want to do, but it might just do you some good to let her go. Is she confused yes, but that's not your battle to "fix" for her, you don't have the power to fix her.

LET HER GO... Love yourself too! You are worth it, no matter how many mistakes you've made. As far as spending time with her or text and phone calls i'd stick to my guns, as long as OM is in picture you aren't... Lastly, Pray and ask God for direction and guidance. Don't be cold, be clear and concise, speak with conviction and authority. Be in control and confident... I'm pulling for you. NO MORE self pity!

[dingo]

I do want to take a moment to thank everyone again for their replies. Your advice has been outstanding.

I had almost made it 24 hrs without talking to my wife but she called me at the office this morning after I didn't answer my cell phone. She wanted to go over her plan for no contact with the om with me. I let her tell me but gave no opinion on it. I just said something along the lines of 'I am sure you will find something that works for you.' She then said that she knows she needs to stop and really wants to stop for us but she is having a very hard time with it. This is a pretty big change from yesterday when she was adamant that he was right for her and that we had no chance. She also said that her inability to stop is what makes her think that she should be with him. I just listened (though I have heard all of this before) and thanked her for letting me know how she feels.

Then she told me that she wanted to come to the house tonight to pack some things and maybe watch a movie together and then stay there tonight. I told her that we could discuss it more later but I thought she should probably stay at the apartment tonight. I don't know if it's just what I want to believe but it did seem like there was some genuine missing me.

I ended the conversation by telling her that once she is moved out, and as long as there is contact with the om- whether it's out of work or even while they are just working together- that she cannot come back to the house. She seemed taken aback a little and asked about our talk about having her come to dinner a few nights per week.

So - I have committed to myself that to whatever end, I need to have limited to no contact with her. Now I just have to be strong and do it,

[sandi2]

I agree completely with what completelylost said in his advice to you.

One thing that makes her wishy-washy about choosing between you & OM is the fact she wants to have the best of both worlds, which we call cake eating. She wants the excitement of the A, but she wants to come watch TV with you. She wants to scr@w OM, but wants to spend Christmas with you. She wants to decorate your house and chat from time to time.....but she is drugged by her what her senses feel when she's with OM, and therefore, you are really just her plan B.

You become plan B when she has not been given the 100 % assurance of a future with OM. And, I maintain that is why she feels "conflicted" or "confused". Listen, I was the WAW

[sandi2]

I was the WAW in an A. I'm pretty sure how that mindset works. I'm telling you that as long as you are willing to see her (contact) while she is willing to continue breaking her commitment, she will keep eating the cake you serve her. Drop the rope you have tied around her.

The next time she decides she wants to go over her plan to stop contacting OM, I suggest you tell her that she's a smart woman who doesn't have to hash out her plan with you (again). When she finally succeeds with ending things with OM and can stop contacting him once and for all......to let you know. Otherwise, you have nothing else to discuss about him.

You probably won't hear this hard stance from most LBS posters here. But I'm telling you that she will drag your heart to hell & back again if you go with any kind of softy-boy stuff.

[ccZ28]

Hi Sandi,

I don't want to Hijack dingo's Post.

But i was wondering if you could comment on my situation. You seem to have some great advice, and it would be awesome to have a little perspective from the other side!

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...003#Post2410003

I would really appreciate it!

[dingo]

You become plan B when she has not been given the 100 % assurance of a future with OM. And, I maintain that is why she feels "conflicted" or "confused". Listen, I was the WAW

Can you clarify what you mean by this last part please Sandi?

What was it that made you return?

[dingo]

Well - its a small victory but a great first step. She was home packing when I got home from the gym. We were civil to each other and talked about our days a bit while I ate something and she continued to move boxes out to her car. When she had a full load, she said that she would be drop her stuff off and be back to watch TV and go to bed. I told her that I didn't think it was a good idea and that she should stay at the apartment. I was also able to tell her that she shouldn't plan on coming to my office christmas party in a few days and held to that even when she said she was planning on coming and looking forward to it. I told her that as long as there was still contact with the OM of any kind - and since she will still be working with him in a few days, there will be contact - that we wouldn't hang out.

I felt like I had complete control of myself and the situation and it felt great. She actually got a little irritated during both discussions and tried to bait me into an argument about a set of suitcases my parents gave us when we got married. I just said that we didn't need to figure out who was getting what suitcase right now and walked away.

She left a few minutes later and called the house shortly after leaving to talk for a few minutes about some song she was listening to on the radio and to remind me to find a day when we could go to counseling together (WTF?).

Anyhow - its a small victory but its at least a good first step.

Before I got home I actually stopped the car around the corner from our house and re-read Sandi's and completelylost's responses to steel my nerve. Thanks guys!!