Greetings!

Haven't been on the site in awhile, and when I was I spent most of my time in MLC. Not divorced yet and I don't know when I'll initiate the process, but I do know that I have no desire to reconcile with H so I figured this is the place for me.

I come seeking guidance. I met a guy out in the world and we've been seeing each other for about 2.5 months. He's had his heart broken in the past, with three live-in girlfriends ending their relationship. I suspect this has made him weary. When we got together and he asked what we were doing and said he didn't want a relationship. I told him first that we were probably talking about very different things when we said "relationship", and that I'm a very independent person with my own house and a stressful job and had been all but destroyed in my marriage, so I figured we were getting to know each other and would see where things go. He seemed amenable to that and agreed that we certainly had common ground even at that early stage. Same page, all good. We seem well suited, have shared values and enjoy our time together. He is smart, interesting, thoughtful and I'm very attracted to him.

Here's the catch. I see him once every week or ten days, generally at his place on a week night, a couple of times at mine. We don't chitchat in between visits, and have not met each other's family or friends, and have not had the "relationship talk" since the first one. We both like our space, with him needing more than me. He has referred to the feeling of the walls closing in on him in other contexts, and we have talked a little about this. My LL is time together and physical touch, and I think his (for expressing)are acts of kindness and words of affirmation. I don't know what his are for receiving.

So now I'm beginning to wonder if I am repeating past behavior by getting involved with a man who has walls up, will keep me at a distance, and will compartmentalize our relationship. My H never brought me into his world in a meaningful way, but was neck deep in mine (which is a difference...new guy and I are not in each other's worlds at all at this point). Or is this just part of the process of two injured people who need a lot of space getting to know each other?

I am cautious about bringing up the "relationship talk" as I don't want to cause him to feel the walls are closing in on him, but at the same time I feel that I'll want to move things up a notch before too long. I'll be sad if I don't see him over Christmas, but then again I suppose that will be my answer.

Many would say that this is a relationship of convenience. Maybe they're right. I don't know. There are things that compel me to agree with this assessment (such as not having met family after 2.5 months), but then there are things that compel me not to (such as offering to plow my driveway with his quad and inviting me to share his first post-hunt meal).

So, folks, how do I navigate this? Play it cool until after Christmas? Skirt the issue of our relationship? Ask a point blank question? Ignore it 'til neurosis consumes me (ok...that's not really an option!)? Carry on with words of affirmation and acts of kindness (the caveat being, this is how he shows love....not sure that it's the same for receiving it...)?

Advice from folks far wiser than me (especially the male variety!) is appreciated.

Thanks!


me 45
H 46
T 5
M 2.5
BD Sept 6 2011
OW Sept 8 2011
Threw him out Sept 8 2011