Still trying to get up that great Big Hill...

[Pudmuddle]

Hi Linda! I don't think dating someone right now would feel good. It wouldn't feel right. It WOULD feel like a game and that does not feel good to me. I'm not saying I want to date someone, just that is what shocked him last time.

I was more expressing how I had done these things in the past and it did shake him up to the point of coming back. But it always felt like he did it because he didn't want to lose me, not because he wanted to be with me. Maybe I am trying to divide the line too much here. Still trying to analyze everything, so it will make sense. But I guess now is not the time for anything sensical. LOL.

I think I really need to focus on the fact that even though he is one of the nicer mlc'ers and things seem so d@mn normal at times (mostly all the time), that he is still in crisis and has been for quite a while.

He HAS recognized that I have made changes and done some deep soul-searching. And I have even seen a small shift in his own thinking about certain things. Although not the major things that I would like to change, I have seen that he has been thinking just a tad deeper than usual.

I still do seem some of his extreme insecurity about himself and that just makes me sad for him. Like last night he was stretching out on the couch, next to the dog, and the way he was stretched out looked kind of GQ and sexy, lol. So I said 'Look at YOU all stretched out and sexy laying there on the sofa'. So he immediately turns to the dog, and says 'Look dog, she thinks you are all cute and sexy'. I said 'No YOU are the one.' He just said 'Pffffft, nah not me, hardly.' He might have said something before like You know it or flexed his muscles with a naughty smirk. Now he doesn't believe in himself. Kind of sad.