I am hearing all of you. I am stubborn. I am trying to GAL and do what I need to do. It's rough.
Another issue is that we have been around each other 24/7 for years. She needed and wanted her personal time. We haven't balanced personal, work or marriage time. There aren't many friends here and it gets lonely. I work a lot, too tired most days for anything but letting my mind melt into a goofy tv show or whatever. When we did have our time and really had it, it was great. All the small things piled up and took it's toll. And I did go back on bad behaviors and not being all the husband I can be. And no, I am not totally the one to blame or take all the responsibility for our failures. I know this.
I understand what you guys are saying. I understand I need to not worry about it and begin moving on. Prepare. I have known her for about 18 years. I know how she reacts and lashes out. Because of her depression, bipolar, manic behaviors, etc. If she gets extremely upset, or hurt, she cuts people out of her life for some amount of time or forever, she acts 20 again, hangs around old friends, listens to music she hasn't heard for awhile, enjoys freedom, etc and them begins to crash. Her manic and bipolar episodes level out, gets out of her depression and sees things on a more balanced/normal level. Realization of feelings, thoughts, and actions set on. Back to reality.
It's true, she may be done but knowing her this long and how she handles things I still believe time and patience are valid elements to bringing us back together.
She hasn't asked for her CC for 5 days. The last two she has been trying to call and texting me a lot more. I wasn't fully available, didn't respond right away. I haven't done a complete 180 or correct NC though. But what I had done was surely noticed. I have to buckle down.
