I do not like being a single parent and have immense respect for the people who do it. I am used to the logistics of it. Being up extra early to get everyone ready. My schedule revolving around S schedule. None of that has really changed.

What I mmiss is the emotional support. Or what I perceived as emotional support. Looking back now I see I have been doing this alone for longer than I thought.

This morning S was having one of his fits. Screaming throwing hitting. There are some stategies to employ but a lot of it is just waiting it out. I used to call H during these fits. I felt like I was getting a break from the storm and sharing the moment with the only other person who understood. Turns out now he hated when I called him for this and saw it as weakness that I couldn't handle S on my own.

So this morning I sat in the middle of the hurricane by myself. Most of the screaming was "I miss daddy where is daddy" and the answer "at work" didn't do much to quiet storm because S is feeling the absence of his "real daddy" as much as I am.

When it was over I went to my room and cried because I have never felt so alone.

Me 44 H 42
M 10 T 12 (at time of BD)
Ss 20 16
S11 (special needs)

BD 9/13 H "unhappy for years" moves to seperate bedroom
10/13 EA/PA confirmed but denied
S and I move out 3/15