How to convince resistant LD wife?

[TeaEarlGreyHot]

Don't know...don't care anymore...

It is probably true you don't know.

It is probably untrue that you don't care.

Evidence: you are still "here."

The Captain

[Ambivalent]

Maybe I should have said, don't care to know...

[ssmguy]

Well since he's in replay...the grass, with the fertilizer of Viagra DOES look greener. It may even BE greener

If that's the thrill, I don't think it will last long.

Never tried Viagra, but I'm curious about how it works and its context in a relationship. How does the man know sex is going to happen the required waiting time before it happens? Does the woman take it to mean she's not attractive enough? What happens if the guy pops one of those expensive pills and the woman says, "Not tonight, I have a headache." I can see why they recommend marriage therapy when starting Viagra.

And if a young woman is dating an older guy and she knows he's popping the blue pill, she might be thinking he's not exactly the image of masculine health and vitality she was imagining?

[ssmguy]

Now even more so. He looks like he is in his 60's and he is 55. I am 53, and look like I'm in my early 40's. This from many people and even my daughter's sorority sisters.

Even more reason for him to stay with you. On the other hand, he might be making the same observation when he looks in the mirror and it might be part of what's scared him into his MLC.

Anyway, I just couldn't do to him what he is doing.

If it's any consolation, he's not thinking of this as something he's doing to you. He's in a sort of panic.

This is the second most painful abandonment I've experienced. My father was the first.

How old were you when your father abandoned you and what happened? Surely you are aware of the common scenario where a daughter in her early teens is abandoned by her father, and then she unwittingly chooses the same type of man to marry, only to be abandoned again?

I say this only because you seem to be giving your H more attention and effort than he deserves, and putting up with more and for a longer time than many women would. Trying to get love from this withholding guy, like your dad might have been. Maybe not your scenario, but I've heard the theory and seen it in real life more than once.

The worst part of it for one woman I knew was that she was very ripe and vulnerable to fall for yet another man who seemed warm at first, but had all kinds of distancing issues. She was so desperate to get back to a loving connected relationship that she didn't give it enough time. They moved in together within only weeks of meeting each other. She swore up and down that this was THE MAN that she had been waiting for all her life. A few weeks later, she called me to say they had broken up and he wasn't answering the phone. She never heard from him again. I told her to go slow, but she couldn't wait. It was like watching a train wreck in slow motion.

Not saying you're like that. You seem to be more patient and cautious. But if your situation is anything similar, the advice for you would be to take any new relationship very slowly, and be aware that your instincts for what feels right might not be the best for you.

[DaddyLongShanks]

MLCs can be about the fear of aging, of mortality. They can also be about this: "is this all there is? Is this all I am?" In the context of dissatisfaction with "all there is" and "all I am," the escapism of a MLC definitely has it's draw. The "grass does look greener" even if it is an illusion.

Well since he's in replay...the grass, with the fertilizer of Viagra DOES look greener. It may even BE greener.

Don't know...don't care anymore...

You can ween yourself off of the ED medications. There are a bunch of things, behaviors, losses, relationship dynamics which lead to a man feeling less of a man. If you had a woman who you where attracted to, who you could have sex almost when you wanted because you knew she desired you, she potrays you as aa competent, rightful man in most dealings, your dick is going to get super hard.

If you go through most of the things men allow themself to go throughu this day and age, it will be stripping you masculinity over the years until you need the ED meds...

So if yor wife or lover cares about you, thy could assist you to weening off the ed meds. Only take as much as you need to perform.

[Ambivalent]

How old were you when your father abandoned you and what happened? Surely you are aware of the common scenario where a daughter in her early teens is abandoned by her father, and then she unwittingly chooses the same type of man to marry, only to be abandoned again?

I was in eighth grade and it played out through out my high school years.

My husband is opposite my father. I even chose him because of this, because he was somewhat more emotionally available. He was balding so early and I thought,..." well he won't go through a crisis from losing his hair..."

Ha!

I say this only because you seem to be giving your H more attention and effort than he deserves, and putting up with more and for a longer time than many women would

Isn't that what standing is about? My vows did say in sickness and in health, for better, for worse...

He is overwhelmed I know, and he never learned appropriate coping skills.

I am not going to deprive my daughters from him during the holidays. His brother is an innocent in all of this too. He is unmarried and we are his only family in the area. Every holiday has had him in attendance.

Come January I will probably take a different route.

I really have not interest in ever marrying again, so whatever happens happens. I may someday have a friend, but I don't want anything else.

Right now I'm trapped, I can't sell our home, it's under. I am stuck, and I feel very manipulated. I have no access to seeing the checking acct. and I can't just never talk to him again. I can't get a job with any pay 'till I pass my boards, which is sometime in January.

So here I sit, right where he wants me , but doesn't want me. There are times I want to scream and shout at him, yet what good will that accomplish?

Then there are all the lies...so it is difficult now, and I wonder " how does one ever get over the deceit? How does one respect someone who runs in a crisis, rather than address it?

So no, I won't be rushing into any relationship with anyone.

[ssmguy]

Somewhat more emotionally available? Sounds like a lukewarm endorsement. The way you described him in recent posts it sounded like he was out a lot, not just on required business, but with his buddies, etc. By contrast, I like being at home and having family around and going on date nights at least once a week, sometimes twice a week, in spite of the state of our marriage.

You're doing an admirable job standing by your man. You're doing more and better than most women would. That's a compliment. I just wonder if your husband deserves it. He doesn't know how lucky he is. In fact, before too long, he may find out that a lot of other women out there aren't going to stand by him anywhere near as much as you. In fact, at the moment he apparently hasn't yet been dumped by anybody, so he might be operating at a false and shaky level of confidence. So he might get dumped by someone else and come back you, realizing that you would never do such a thing.

I'm not a believer in cutting anybody off. Rather, I'm more of a "can't we all get along" type of person. I think you should invite him as much as possible, even if you start seeing someone else. Well, that's my style anyway.

Spend time with friends, and slowly cultivate new ones. Have some male friends too, but mature ones who you can talk to to get the male point of view and who understand your situation, respect your boundaries and don't try to have a hidden agenda. Some women don't believe such men exist, but they do. Avoid hanging out only with women who have been abandoned by their husbands.

Take it just one day at a time. MLC's happen because someone tries looking too far into the future.

[Ambivalent]

You're doing an admirable job standing by your man. You're doing more and better than most women would. That's a compliment. I just wonder if your husband deserves it. He doesn't know how lucky he is.

Am I? I feel all over the place. If I was asked out , would I go? I don't know. I don't think I am doing an admirable job. I think I'm just stuck.

I think I want to have an experimental time too. What if the grass IS greener and I've wasted what health I've got hanging on to the hope he'll see the light?

Spend time with friends, and slowly cultivate new ones. Have some male friends too, but mature ones who you can talk to to get the male point of view and who understand your situation, respect your boundaries and don't try to have a hidden agenda. Some women don't believe such men exist, but they do. Avoid hanging out only with women who have been abandoned by their husbands.

The women I know all filed for divorce. Swing dancing has allowed me access to a huge group of people, men and women. I tend to be leery of any men my age...MLC is rampant, and the LAST thing I want is another MLCER in my life!

You know I've looked at Match.c and they are SOOOO easy to recognize.

They either post their motorcycles, sports cars, or are looking for a soul mate! It is so scary and so sad at the same time.

The swing dancing really has been something great for me. I don't have to go if I don't want. There are times I really want to go. It has been more and more. I am getting better every time I go. There is no person I'm attracted to, so it is very comfortable to be at the lessons and the Fri. dances.

It is awesome exercise and eventually I'll branch out and go to the different venues offered.

The only thing that saddens me, is the fact that my H. put dancing on his profile for a meet up group. He NEVER danced, didn't want to . I ALWAYS loved dancing. This hurts SO SO much.

[ssmguy]

The only thing that saddens me, is the fact that my H. put dancing on his profile for a meet up group. He NEVER danced, didn't want to . I ALWAYS loved dancing. This hurts SO SO much.

Actually, this is kind of interesting. It might be a hint that he feels he needs to pretend to be interested in something that he's not in order to meet women. Seems all too obvious to me.

So then if he settles down with the next woman, she will also be hurt when he doesn't want to dance anymore. Instead he'll be out on the golf course again with his buddies.

I just had to roll my eyes twice on this one.

[ssmguy]

Am I? I feel all over the place. If I was asked out , would I go? I don't know. I don't think I am doing an admirable job. I think I'm just stuck.

I didn't say it was easy.

I think I want to have an experimental time too. What if the grass IS greener and I've wasted what health I've got hanging on to the hope he'll see the light?

You've got time. Don't panic like your H! Just talk to people, learn how to politely thank and say no.

The women I know all filed for divorce.

Good for support. But they can also have a skewed attitude.

Swing dancing has allowed me access to a huge group of people, men and women. I tend to be leery of any men my age...MLC is rampant, and the LAST thing I want is another MLCER in my life!

That's often the problem with meeting venues beyond college. The kind of guy you want is rarely there because he's at home with his wife and kids.

Have you ever heard the advice for middle age women looking for a man who is loyal and adores women? The problem, of course, is that they all got hitched young and stay with their women. The solution -- go to the cemetery and wait for a man to place flowers on his deceased wife's grave. Then chat him up.

The swing dancing really has been something great for me.

That sounds really great for many reasons. But eventually you will want to broaden your activities because you tend to get the same crowd showing up all the time for a particular kind of event.

I also know women who never found what they wanted in events that tended to attract mostly outgoing people. So they turned to have friends recommend friends, or more specialized websites for their ethnic group, religion, etc. and found someone special.

It is awesome exercise and eventually I'll branch out and go to the different venues offered.

Yes, exercise is extremely important. Great for fighting depression too.