scared, confused, hopeful...

[juliegayle]

Melissa thank you for advice. I realize that I asked the question about 180ing. At the same time I know that I am really in more of a LRT mode at this time. It just feels so counterintuitive (as is mentioned in book)

It is true that I am changing and this sitch has made me look closely at many things in my life. A few weeks ago I said something very similar to what you suggested. He asked why I was suddenly so interested in his job. I said I was always interested and proud of him and I realize now I made him feel like I wasn't. I said hitting rock bottom made me really start to look at our life. He said I wasn't anywhere near rock bottom and that it was coming.

I do realize now that I need to give him what he wants. In his own words "I just want to be happy" "I want to be free. " "I want to be alone. "( not sure where OW fits into that) and "I just want to do whatever I want"

I don't know how much of what is going on with him is the addiction, the A, a MLC. I think it is all bundled up in a very messy and very broken package. What I am starting to realize (although very slowly) is I can't fix this. I can't fix H and therefore I can't fix current M. All I can fix is me.

I have been reading a lot if tiny buddah articles about letting go. I am trying. I am not letting go of hope though. Hence the reason I am still on this site.

[juliegayle]

In other new I found out he took S to see OW today. I am mad but not going to say anything about it. I have no way of knowing what he does when I am not here and he is going to continue to do what he wants regardless of how I feel about it.

[labug]

Julie, you're getting there but it's not a linear process. Be gentle on yourself, that's the most important thing. You've just had your whole life crumble around you, you've endured a great loss, grief is a part of this process and too often we want to skip that step.

You're worth taking care of, so be the one who does that.

[juliegayle]

Thanks Labug. It definitely is a process and I know I am just at the beginning. One moment I will be fine and the next suddenly tearing up. Or I will have a thought about the sitch and then think something different a few minutes later. I feel full of contradictions. That really makes H mad. He says I am a hypocrite because I am saying and doing things that go against things I said or did a few years ago (like practicing forgiveness). I think that is just part of life. I am growing and evolving.

I had a chance to witness my own controlling nature this morning. My babysitter didn't show up and I had to call H to come stay with S. He has a teeny bit more work flexibility than I do. To my surprise he responded and came right away.

A little later I worked out a back up with a woman I have not used yet. I called to tell him she was coming. I started to run through the things he needed to go over with her. He has never prepped a babysitter before. He got really annoyed.

I can see how it was annoying. I could have just left it and called her later to see if she had any questions. Should I apologize later or just leave it?

[melissag]

A little later I worked out a back up with a woman I have not used yet. I called to tell him she was coming. I started to run through the things he needed to go over with her. He has never prepped a babysitter before. He got really annoyed.

I can see how it was annoying. I could have just left it and called her later to see if she had any questions. Should I apologize later or just leave it?

I think this depends on how things are going with your H. If they are going well, I might apologize. In fact, I did that the other night after I had a weird interaction with my H. But- my H is pretty receptive to having talks about these kinds of things at the moment. If your H isn't, I would just leave it. You will have another chance at this, I am sure - and next time you will allow your H to handle this, because he is a grown man and is perfectly capable of handling a babysitter himself. This has been a big change and perspective shift for me, but I think I have been pretty successful with it - if you don't control your H, it is pretty likely that everything will be JUST FINE. Not everything will be done the way YOU would have done it, but it will be fine. And why should things always be done your way? They shouldn't. You left your H in charge, so leave him in charge. I don't think that you should have called the sitter later, either. Trust your H that he can properly prep the sitter, AND trust the sitter that she knows to call you or H if she has any questions.

Back to your question - one of the reasons I would lean toward leaving it (which is what I almost always do) is because right now, your words probably mean very little to your H. It is more important to just keep working on not being controlling - if you are able to be consistent he will notice.

That really makes H mad. He says I am a hypocrite because I am saying and doing things that go against things I said or did a few years ago (like practicing forgiveness). I think that is just part of life. I am growing and evolving.

This is just a defense mechanism . . . I have used this one before. My H would say he wants to do X, and I would say, "but 9 years ago you said VERY CLEARLY that you do NOT LIKE X." As though that would change his mind and he would say "ohhhh, right, OK I won't do X." Sometimes when we see changes in our S, it is scary or threatening. So instead of accepting the changes, we try to reject them and blame our S. You become the person you want to be, Julie, and don't worry about what he says/thinks.

[melissag]

P.S. Julie, I can tell you from personal experience that letting go of the controlling actually feels pretty good. So keep working at it.

[bluesgal]

Julie-we have so much in common! This is the toughest thing I have ever been through. I can relate to you in so many ways.

I know you mentioned being worried about your husband knowing you were going to Al-anon. I've read your entire story today and can't help but notice that this could be a good opportunity for you. You are very responsible and seem to have routines.

Break/shake things up a bit. Go somewhere and be mysterious. Go to this meeting. When he asks, just say you are 'going out'. He's probably not used to hearing this for you.

My H has really taken notice of my 180 of GAL. I can feel the tables turning a bit. Research the subject of pursuit/distance on these forums. You are pursuing in many ways, just like me. It's hard to see when you're doing it because we are mothers/caretakers. We organize. BUT, our H see any of these behaviors as controlling right now. Try to make as many decisions without him as you can.

GAL outside your home when you can. Your H will really notice this and probably wonder what you are up to and that will get him thinking. All of a sudden you are NOT the person he had you pinned as.

[juliegayle]

I have a logistical question. How do those of you with kids manage GAL activities outside of the house or go out without telling H/W where you are going to be mysterious?? My schedule has always revolved around s. With no child care help in evening, if I am not at work I am with him.

Anything I do for myself (gym IC shopping) happens on the 1 or 2 days I am off during week while S is in school. H is responsible for S on the 2 or 3 nights I work till 10.

At this point I can't even get H to commit to what days he can be with S over winter break. I cannot imagine getting him to sit down and do a weekly schedule so I have me time.

I didn't mean this to sound whiney. I really am curious how other parents have done this.

[melissag]

I have a logistical question. How do those of you with kids manage GAL activities outside of the house or go out without telling H/W where you are going to be mysterious?? My schedule has always revolved around s. With no child care help in evening, if I am not at work I am with him.

Anything I do for myself (gym IC shopping) happens on the 1 or 2 days I am off during week while S is in school. H is responsible for S on the 2 or 3 nights I work till 10.

At this point I can't even get H to commit to what days he can be with S over winter break. I cannot imagine getting him to sit down and do a weekly schedule so I have me time.

I didn't mean this to sound whiney. I really am curious how other parents have done this.

It does sound like you have a difficult schedule in terms of GALing. I don't work and my H takes the kids two nights a week, so I'm not sure I can be of much help figuring out how to squeeze things in. But . . . I did want to mention that you might want to be careful with the acting mysterious thing. I will usually be vague about things I am doing, but if H asks me right out, I will answer truthfully. (He never asks. He has started a few times and then stopped himself.) I don't think that now is the time to play the jealousy card, or play games with your H. You don't want him to think that you are doing things just to irk him . . . he needs to know that you're just doing your thing for you.

[juliegayle]

I do not like being a single parent and have immense respect for the people who do it. I am used to the logistics of it. Being up extra early to get everyone ready. My schedule revolving around S schedule. None of that has really changed.

What I mmiss is the emotional support. Or what I perceived as emotional support. Looking back now I see I have been doing this alone for longer than I thought.

This morning S was having one of his fits. Screaming throwing hitting. There are some stategies to employ but a lot of it is just waiting it out. I used to call H during these fits. I felt like I was getting a break from the storm and sharing the moment with the only other person who understood. Turns out now he hated when I called him for this and saw it as weakness that I couldn't handle S on my own.

So this morning I sat in the middle of the hurricane by myself. Most of the screaming was "I miss daddy where is daddy" and the answer "at work" didn't do much to quiet storm because S is feeling the absence of his "real daddy" as much as I am.

When it was over I went to my room and cried because I have never felt so alone.