NEW LIFE / NEW ME - AIRBORNE II

[Fartiltre]

I had a great night out yesterday. Me and two guys met up and simply just talked for the hole evening and most of the night.
One of the guys is M to a friend of W and he told that she is sad, that she had visited them and told so. He asked me at some point who made the decision to split up. I told him that W did. I told him that I tried to get her to reconsider her decision until the date we told the children. He then stated that he thinks she is sad because I have moved on, because I was doing good, had sorted out my life and so on. At some point he said “Well, who knows – she could be in problems, be missing you or wanting to get back together. I don’t know!”

I am still not sharing DBing or my wish to R with anybody but I find myself talking more about what I am doing and the personal growth/development I work on. They told me they see the change and that I am doing well. I shared my experience from the hypnosis and we had a good talk about the monsters within us

Today I have been working at home with a neighbor. We had a splendid day and suddenly this guy’s tells me that he and his W really hope that I will be able to stay out here on the countryside – simply because they like me. We have been making preparations for next weekend when we have 50 people over for Christmas party – nice day today as well.

Movember ended today and I did very well:) Raised a ton of money and have been getting so many positive strokes from friends all around!


Sandi,
Thanks again for sticking with me!
I am feeling very good these days because I am getting myself back. I am turning back in to a good catch W and sit is on my mind but the thoughts are changing. I have found myself wondering a few times today whether I want to R. I do, but I am also realizing how long and hard this road will be if it is ever to happen!
I feel I am growing these days, I feel on top and I feel more self-confident. I get so many positive strokes from people around me that it would be hard not to feel this way.

She is missing having you giving her emotional support/caring/interest and is finally realizing this separation isn't at all like she thought it would be.

Something is going on and IMO she is realizing these days but if she misses IDK – still I trust your judgment and hope you are right. I think a lot is going on that I don’t know of. My friend (from yesterday evening) offered to ask his W but I declined it. I think it should be considered snooping and it would put focus on W.

But what I've seen is you withdrawing a bit too much lately.

Can you do it without making it sound like you want to know all about her?

Then I will open up a bit and yes, I can do this! As I read you:
In the weeks to come I will when/if I see W in person ask her a question or two about her life. I think I will go with subjects like: her new TV-set, working situation and Christmas preparation. I will make the questions about something and not just generals like “How are you”.
If she starts talking I will simply listen and comment - I won’t share my own life and I will not try to fix hers.
Otherwise I will keep doing what I am doing in regards of e-mails, texting and phonecalls. I won’t reach out, I will answer questions but if she doesn’t state a question I won’t reply to her text/email.
I will continue to keep phonecalls short and I will end them
If she invites to doing something I will either accept or counter if I am able too. (My GAL is very well this month and I have a busy schedule.)
I will be a little more accepting to invitations than earlier on
If we end up seeing each other it will be with the children and then I will see to that all four of us interacts. I will initiate a board game, a movie, a walk to the beach and so on.
If she invites me to her house I feel like turning it down. I won’t feel comfortable there!
I will continue working on my eye-contact. This is not just a problem with W. It is a general problem but through my awareness I will get better.
I will focus even more on my tone of voice and looks

Is this approx. correct?

I hope you understand and won't be confused by any of what I have said. I just don't want you to run away from her and I don't want her to misinterpret your actions as rudeness. I want you to be very self confident. Do you understand, or does it sound like I am contradicting myself?

No contradiction read! As I read you, you simply want me to reach out a tiny bit more than I have done and I see this as a natural step. I don’t see myself as rude and after yesterday I now know that the way I have been acting has the support from people around me! This DBing is really starting to make sense!
My confidence is up and down but it is definitely rising!

LTH,

I think we all agree it is balance and that is what Sandi is trying to get across to F in her last post, and I have also said it. You need a good balance of not interested/interested. If F leaves each encounter thinking it could be considered 'cold' by W, that is not a good sign. F, you want to be warm without pursuing!

Warm, without pursuing – I like that one Now I will have to put it into action and that might be a little harder on me than I realize but I will get there. You and Sandi keeps me busy!
I hope you agree to the list in the above answer to Sandi.


Melissa,
Thanks for stopping by!
There’s a lot of lurkers in here but that just makes me feel good. I have been blessed with so much advice on this travel and I do hope that others can benefit from the time the VETs have invested in me. That said it is nice to know one of the lurkers. I am not up to speed with your sit.

So, vets might jump on me for this, but I do think that you need to (in very small and calculated ways) push things a little and see what happens. I mean, you can't follow the 37 rules forever, or your W will eventually think you have lost interest. JMO.

I think one of the major problems in all of this is that LBS act’s premature. We talk about patience and time but if the WAS reaches out with the tip of a finger we tend to eat their arm of. Some months ago Sandi and LTH dragged me through this process. They guided me, educated me and told me what to do. I am still not totally sure that I understand fully but I am getting closer every day.
I also believe that the WAS needs to think that the LBS has lost interest and moved on. This is needed for them to start thinking “WTF, is going on around me?”. Some of the things I see happened around me could be small signs that my W is at this point. IMO this doesn’t mean that R is closer – it just means that she is watching.
Right now my biggest issue is not W – she is gone and living her life. My biggest issue is me! I have so many things I want to do, people I want to see, things I want to do with the children and most of all I have so many areas of development inside me and in my life – sometimes I even wonder if W has a place here. I feel better and better living as a singledad.
About the subjects to talk about I think it is important to make these about them and not us. I haven’t told W about anything in my life since I started LRT. Therefore I also believe that talking to her should be started with a question about her and not a story about me. VETs will hopefully tell me if I am wrong.
I am rather certain that W wants to share but I have turned her down so many times that she simply has given up. Now I will reach out a little and see if this changes anything.

My H told me he actually thought I would be happy if he left - that is how deeply unwanted/unloved he felt.

Or this is just WAS BS – he could just need a justification for himself! I am doing this to make you happy, I am doing this to make your life better….this sounds like scripting. Take your focus of it but do counter it if he states this again!
H, you making the decision to break up out family will not make me happy. This is a decision you have made for you and I do hope it makes it possible for you to find the happiness you are looking for.
…or something like that.

Thanks all!

F