Separated only a few days, need help!

[melissag]

Hi JJ, sorry you find yourself here. But, you did come to the right place! Keep posting and you will be off moderation - but you have to keep posting.

OK so first, you need to calm down. (Trust me, I know this is easier said than done.) You are freaking out because your H is gone and you can no longer control what he does or whether he loves you - but guess what? You couldn't when he was in the house either. If he says he wants/needs space, you have to give it to him. Think of this as a time that YOU can have time and space to figure out YOU, as well. Have you been going to IC? Have you taken a look at your own life/role in this situation to see what, if anything, you would like to change about yourself?

I think it is good that he is not in the house anymore, now you can't snoop. It was only hurting you. Is he still actively involved in the A? Do you know? Has he agreed to stop the A and work on the M? He is probably in a confused state right now, and though I know this is hard (and I am still working on accepting this myself), space and time may be just what he needs to see things more clearly. And quite possibly, see you and your M in a better, more realistic light. If it works to see each other, great. If you are going to be a mess and beg for him to come home, don't. Have you read Sandi's 37 rules? If not, look for the sticky on the Newcomers forum. Read them, memorize them, live them. They are for you just as much as they are to help save your M.

Take this time for you. Do not wonder what H is doing, who he is with, or where he is. Certainly do not ask him any of those things. You do what YOU want to do. Pursue your hobbies. Exercise. Do fun things with your kids. Whatever it is that helps you live a more fulfilling life.

He can't love you again like he once did if you are in his face, begging him to. He needs to figure his stuff out on his own, and you need to figure your stuff out on your own. Think of it this way - you said that you were going through a rough patch, right? Well, potentially, if you and your H use this time wisely, this S could be the best thing that ever happened for your M.

What would happen if he moved back in right now? Would your M be good? It certainly doesn't sound like it. And, don't you respect him for coming back only if he wants to, not for the kids? Then if he does come back, you will know that's truly where he wants to be.

Have you read DR yet? If not, make that the top of your to do list. Also, read a ton of threads on here. You will find several sitches that are just like yours, I'm sure of it, and TONS of great advice who can empathize with what you are going through.

Oh also, this is just my thing, but if you create a signature, it helps people to remember who you are and your situation without having to go back and reread your original post.

Hang in there - you just need to take a deep breath, start to think with your head, not your emotions, and come up with a game plan that's going to help you be who and where you want to be.