Okay, let me preface this by saying that you are amazing to be so strong through all the nutter activities over especially the past year!!
Two, I really feel compassion for your H right now. While I cannot even guess where or what is in his head,even with his manic phase, he seems more lucid at times than I've seen him portrayed.
With lucidity begins to come flashes of " WTF have I done?"
I thought it was evident in the apology to S and the money to D, two things that even six months ago he wouldn't have done.
Thanks Ruby, Interestingly, the apology and the money-giving have been regular patterns in the past - immediately after big angry outbursts, he has often apologised and given guilt gifts. So, yeah, if the fog does lift, it only does so momentarily.
I think maybe your reply implied that you would make sure the kids were ready to go when he got there, which clearly wasn't the case. Perhaps it would have been a good idea to tell him that you were fine with it, but he needed to coordinate it with the kids himself.
Yes, AS, this was my preferred mode of dealing with invites out. But my XH will have none of it. He insists that I have to be the one to deal with the kids. He even insists that I must make them go out with him.
I find this aspect especially strange.
And yeah, i take your point about paved and smooth... Despite my best efforts to be getting on with things in a detached way and treating him as a mere acquaintance, the kids' responses to him are often not 'acting as if' everything is fine and OK. I understand why, but it often means that his infrequent visits home are fraught. Not the sort of experience anyone wants, but understandable all the same. The kids are hurt and bewildered by this strange man who used to be their father.
I am really reluctant to say anything that suggests I am trying to control his relationship with the kids. I struggle with this as it seems to me he is often causing them more pain... but he really goes off if he thinks i am stopping his access in any way.
The kids are old enough, I think, to make their own decisions about seeing him. I can't really stop them or make them.
And i do believe he has to face the consequences of what he has done in regards to them. He has created this relationship with them.
I do think you might want to consider setting a boundary that if he's not able to control these angry outbursts, you're going to suspend Thursday dinners.
Why does he still have access to you and the kids if this is how he acts?
Hi Acc, Great to hear from you!
I think the boundary idea is moot at this point. Thurs dinners are over.
My reason for going with them for the past 3 weeks was that it seemed like a major step forward that he was including me in the invites... and, frankly, we liked/needed the opportunity to have a slap-up meal for free.
But yes, if it comes with too much angst, where's the point? First 2 weeks were good, but things had deteriorated by the third week and fell apart at week 4.
But at least we are not nostalgic, any more about 'being with dad'.
Is it any easier for you, just seeing 99% of the time that your H is several fries short of a happy meal? Heck, he's even missing the burger.
Yes, it is!
The only thing I am wondering is whether with S15 it might be good to encourage him to continue to respect H, at least with the weekly meal?
Not to be dismissive, but, some chance! Xh continues to manipulate S15 into conversations where he asks, repeatedly; "But what have i done to make you so unhappy?"
Imagine a child, even one of 15, trying to detail THAT to his mlc/adulterous father.
At this point, NLW, would you even WANT him back. I have been struggling with this point for some time. We get so bogged down in survival mode that we forget about what is good for us.
Sometimes you have to DB not to save the marriage, but just to get through the day.
WH
AT BD: WH 41, J 43; Bomb 2/5/2012 Two kids, one dog D Final 6/18/14 J marries OW 1/24/15 "No matter where you go, there you are"
HI Guys, I'd like some feedback on something XH sent to S15 via email.
He contacts the kids about once a week now via a random brief phone call. S15 had a big conversation with him last week in which he said that he didn't like him, had been let down too many times and didn't want to go out to dinner with him. And then this email to S15.
I feel like it's creepy/borderline abusive to exploit a kid's emotions like this - or am i just being a resentful lbs?
It came in the form of a cartoon picture with the following spiel:
"Very challenging word test-you only get 30 seconds.
Only 12% of the earth's population can solve this in 30 seconds.
Say the opposite of these words. - Always coming from take me down"
In the spirit of writing out here what I'd like to say to XH, but won't... I felt like I wanted to respond with tit for tat:
Multiple choice question (Only 1 per cent of the population ever gets this wrong)
2. Rick Astley's never gonna:
a) Give you up b) Let you down c) Run around and desert you d) Make you cry e) Say goodbye f) Tell a lie and hurt you g) All of the above
Just an update so that if anyone is interested in following the progress of a full-blown mlc, they can confirm that the script is just that - a rock-solid baseline around which mlcers improvise their own version of turmoil.
Christmas is coming and end-of-school-year speech nights, etc - all of which is proving too much for my XH.
Plus the fact that, from what I can gather on the grape vine, he and OW are about to jet off for another luxury holiday - this time to Paris (City of Lurve) . They intend to return on Xmas eve, so they'll be back to spanner-up for Xmas day.
Not bad for someone who can't afford to pay child support...
I can only imagine the guilt involved.
Anyway... we have had violent spew emanating from nowhere - in the midst of otherwise normal interactions with him - and focused on events that occurred around 2 years ago (at the time of BD when kids and I happened across OW in our local supermarket car park, driving our family car).
He is still so angry, guilty, obsessing, a pure victim. I am the sole and absolute villain of the piece, and I am responsible for everything that is bad about his, and the kids', current life.
There is a good thing to come out of what we have gone through in the past couple of days. Neither I nor the kids retain any nostalgic ideas about how nice it would be to be with him again.
He is in complete crisis/breakdown mode and is scary to be around.
NLW, good for you guys Maybe you can start looking at him like some sort of strange little character that pops up in your lives, leaving you all bemused, and shaking you heads for about ten seconds until he is forgotten again.
I know he is the father of your children, keep the road paved and all that, but when he is in complete breakdown like this, maybe you can detour him....
. You are amazing.