Still trying to get up that great Big Hill...

[Pudmuddle]

Hi all, thanks for all the happy thoughts. I had to take a break from the boards for a bit. I am finding myself feeling quite lonely these days. I just want someone to hold me, to tell me sweet things. It's so dang hard.

Anyhoo, after we got home from the turkey trot, H wasn't there. Celebrating elsewhere. When I got home I was so disappointed that he wasn't there to celebrate this day with just S and I until we went to in-laws. It was a real downer. I was feeling so down I sent him a text 'It [censored] that you don't want to spend time with your family. Where has the real you gone...what hurt is inside of you to behave so strangely...'. I also attached a pic of his S at the turkey trot with a foam turkey hat on his head, sticking his tongue out. I needed to say that, so I did.

Later S and I headed over to in-laws. I didn't expect H to be there when we got there. But sure enough there was his van parked out front. He even opened the door for us when we came in. It was nice to see him there so I didn't have to explain where he was. I looked really good, had my riding boots on with jeans tucked in and had a nice pleather jacket on. My hair and makeup turned out great. H saw me and noticed but didn't say anything. Gosh, I miss the compliments from him. He was talking to his dad and I came up and rubbed his back and said 'hey how's it going? He then proceeded to ask me about the turkey trot and how that went. I got lots of hugs from his family which was nice. A few people mentioned how good I looked and that I seemed happy. I talked with a lot of people, occasionally I noticed H looking at me from across the room.

There was one time when he had been in and out of the back door because he was watching the grill and it was quite cool outside. I noticed his nipples perking up through his shirt so I came over and said 'Ooh, is it cold in here?' kinda flirty and rubbed one lightly with my finger. He laughed and said 'It's because I am so muscley and big'. He is not muscley and big, lol. But I just squeezed his arm and said 'Oh yes' and laughed.

Also, when H was ready to leave for the night, he actually came over and asked me if I was ready to leave. I thought this was odd that he would ask me when we aren't together. Maybe he wanted to make it look good for the family that we were leaving together, even though we had separate cars.

So it was a great evening, but still I found myself wanting just a hint of affection from him. Something that shows he has the slightest bit of care still left in his heart. It seems like he doesn't even have hate for me, it feels more like apathy to me. I would rather see the hate than apathy. At least with hate you can tell there still is some feeling there. And this makes me incredibly sad. I don't want our feelings to die.

Yesterday, he and S went riding for a bit. Once again, they leave me by myself. I so long to go out and do something with the family. I did some things but it felt pointless. I feel so friggin' lonely. I keep finding my thoughts going out to looking for someone to date, even just a one-night stand for some attention. Pathetic, I know.

We had a nice evening though after they came home. I was folding my laundry and H asked what I wanted for dinner. I said 'I haven't really thought about dinner, whatever you think.' He didn't say anything. Then about 20 minutes later he says 'I thought maybe we could cook some chicken and have chicken fajitas'. I said 'That sounds good, sounds like a great idea actually'. Then about another 20 minutes later he got up and started cooking that. When it was almost ready I came into the kitchen and he was cooking some ground beef for the fajitas/tacos. I said 'Oh I thought you were cooking chicken'. He said 'I cooked the chicken for you, it's almost done'. I was surprised that he did this just for me. I said 'Oh thanks for cooking that just for me'. He said 'Sure.'

We all watched tv and ate dinner. Then quite a while later H got up too get some ice cream from the kitch. I had bought an ice cream called Birthday Bash that has vanilla cake and tastes like cake and frosting for H and S. After H tasted it he said 'Oh my god!' because it tasted so good. I said from the other room' What?' He didn't say anything but proceeded to come out and spoon feed me a taste of the ice cream. It did taste awesome and I thought him feeding me was a sweet gesture. But hey, I grab at anything these days, lol.

Much later on as it was nearing bedtime, I reached across the sofa and held my hand out. He put his hand in mine and I rubbed my finger in his palm which has always been one of our codes for saying 'ILY'. He actually let me do that for a few seconds and then proceeded to draw his hand away. The funny thing is he seemed to be much more chipper after that. Interesting.

Today, the boys are outside working on their bikes. I so long to do something with them, as a family.