When it was time for us to go on to my parents' the kids were about bolting down the hallway, and I did something I've done in the past as their mom, to say hey, don't we have hugs for grandma? I mean, at 13 and 15 if they can escape a hug they will, but their grandma's not going to be around forever and deserves a proper goodbye. S13 had hugged her on the way in and said "only one hug per grandma per day." So he refused. S15 gave her a nice hug goodbye. I gave her a hug goodbye. You could probably argue that I shouldn't force the kids to show affection for their relatives, and I could see validity in that, but teens are squirrely and reticent, and a little push might be welcome encouragement. At their age I was really weird about hugs and longed for it to be normal and natural, and I loved it when people were just free and easy with their emotions toward me even though I had a hard time coming forward with my own. I know my kids are not a repeat of me, but based on my history, I think nudging in that area doesn't hurt. I think it bugs MIL that they don't think of it and do it themselves. Oh well, whatever. I do the best I can. I don't recall H saying bye to any of us. H's brother came after we had eaten, so we visited with him a little too. It was all fine. Oh also H asked S15 to drive him over to Starbucks, which was nice, although Starbucks ended up being closed, S15 got some attention from MIL and his uncle for being so grownup to be driving.
H offered to pick up coffee for people so I asked for my usual tall soy misto, extra hot. H said "They hate it when you ask for extra hot. That's annoying." I didn't answer that, it was fine, whatever. I just really don't think the Starbucks people hate that, and when I'm paying for my expensive coffee there they usually seem fine with making it how I want it.
I think that you were well within parental rights to make Ss hug MIL. That's what parents do, lol, you have my vote!
And sorry, S17 works at Starbucks and ya, they hate it...lmao!!! Not hate, but you get an eye roll and an internal sigh
Interesting discussion and perspectives, especially your realization (don't think it's new)of how your H's anxiety drives him.
I used to get weirded out, OK...extremely anxious, when people I was with ordered things other than what was on the menu, had special requests, sent food back...mortified, so often I would try to somehow control the situation to decrease my bad feelings.
I've learned a lot from those people asking for what they wanted as if they deserved it. Imagine that, you can ask for what you want, get it and there is no test as to whether you are deserving of it or not.
These discussions can bring up interesting things.
The whole Starbucks thing still eludes me, the rare times I go I'm the dork who orders medium black coffee.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Oh and with the finances? I will be in debt until I am 97, I swear. But I hear you. Been hiding a bit myself and have resigned myself to one stress at a time ( ie. finish school, get a job).
Then my own personal timeline goes into effect with regards to separating, schedules, the house, our relationship and of course, finances. That'll be an interesting time
Still, it is what they're being paid to do, and if my coffee doesnt make it home still warm i'm not a satisfied customer. I think it is about deserving what you want to ask for. I felt bad when h used to say things that made me feel undeserving, asking too much, an annoyance to him as well as others. I will not accept that feeling now, because my ic is teaching me that i have perfectly good judgment. I can judge for myself what is unreasonable or undeserved.
In starbucks i only order extra-hot if its travelling somewhere before the person gets to drink it, so i think their extra effort is worthwhile.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
The whole Starbucks thing still eludes me, the rare times I go I'm the dork who orders medium black coffee.
Black coffee? What's that?
Originally Posted By: advina
So the starbucks debate heats up!
Extra heated, please.
Originally Posted By: advina
In starbucks i only order extra-hot if its travelling somewhere before the person gets to drink it, so i think their extra effort is worthwhile.
The whole thing about Starbucks is that the bulk of their business is to-go. So until they figure out how to make their coffee in whatever form stay hot, I will continue to ask that they add a little extra heat to mine and not feel the least bit guilty about it. Especially since many of the drinks they serve take more effort to pronounce then it would take to add a little extra heat.
Originally Posted By: advina
I felt bad when h used to say things that made me feel undeserving, asking too much, an annoyance to him as well as others. I will not accept that feeling now, because my ic is teaching me that i have perfectly good judgment. I can judge for myself what is unreasonable or undeserved.
You've come a long way, AD! Yes you have!!
Me51 W53 S17 S14 M22 T25 Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11
It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.
Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife
I felt bad when h used to say things that made me feel undeserving, asking too much, an annoyance to him as well as others. I will not accept that feeling now, because my ic is teaching me that i have perfectly good judgment. I can judge for myself what is unreasonable or undeserved.
Good for you, Ad.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
So I need to give props to my H; he's doing a nice thing today.
He emailed me to ask for a wish list for Christmas, and he picked up the kids today to take them up to his mom's for lunch and shopping so they can pick out my presents.
That's pretty nice, huh?
So I've got an empty house and I'm going to stop wasting it online, gonna go swim laps, bake, get out my Christmas tree, and spend an hour chipping away at my financial mess. Hugs to my friends here!
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
That was really nice of him! Enjoy your time with the house to your self!
me: 30 H:30 tgthr:7 m:4 no kids 5 counseling sessions initiated by H as a LR: Oct 2012 long distance marriage b/c of work since Nov 2012 official BD: July 2013 nothing filed 1/1/14 I dropped the rope
