How to convince resistant LD wife?

[Ambivalent]

Ssmguy, YES there IS something wrong!!!! MLC!!!

I just have to keep working on me, and hoping that eventually he'll see that I believe in him. I believe in us!

Hopefully, he will think about me, and in a positive way.

I've done so many changes, still have more, but really I am human

I'm working on learning to loosen up, not be so uptight.

Learning to cut loose and show my loving side, not worry so much about others.

I'm drinking wine, and enjoying it. I'm learning that my body is something in which to be proud.

I am learning to take healthy risks and step out of my comfort zone. It isn't always easy, but I figure it will become easier with practice.

I just need a date with my husband. I want some intimacy, emotional and physical.

I want him to stop worrying about everything and just try and have fun with us.

I am not going to contact him for at least five days. He will probably need distance after Thanksgiving.

I could tell he was in his head a bit yesterday. The seamed stockings were a 180 for me to wear publicly. I did it for me, AND for him.

I wish so badly to show him all the dental floss I have, but the only way he sees it is hanging in the laundry room drying .

Oh well back to working on me, and keeping my expectations VERY low. I'm going dancing tonight.

It keeps me honest , lifts my mood, and allows me to have physical platonic and safe contact with other human beings.

Busting on!

[ssmguy]

Dental floss?

What kind of dancing are you doing? Just curious.

And what's physical platonic? Sounds almost Clintonian.

It sounds like he already sees you in a fairly positive way, though he probably still doesn't understand the changes you've made in yourself. But I'm sure you'd agree that his biggest problem is that he has to "believe in himself".

As I understand it, the typical MLC guy is suddenly worried if he's still got what it takes to attract new women. He might be worried if he can be turned on by new women and function. I say that because he says he's not attracted to you -- perhaps he's worried if he can be attracted to others too. Maybe he's worried about a drop in his libido generally? He might be looking at the likely time he has left in his life, and it might suddenly seem a lot shorter than what he was assuming. I think that can happen when you live life without doing new and exciting things in your marriage and all the years just blend together without any distinctive memories to mark the time.

I think a lot of marriages would do better if both partners took an attitude that they are to some degree still competing with all the other available people out there. Too many people just take their partner for granted. Now that they're married, they no longer feel they have to worry at all about their partner finding someone else. Marriage is not a prison.

[ssmguy]

What I mean about marriage seeming like a prison... For example, if the wife is no longer interested in sex and turns him down all the time, the husband can feel like he's in a sexual prison. He might suddenly realize he has no socially acceptable ways to have sex with anybody at all. He doesn't want to force himself on his wife. If he goes outside the marriage, he's cheating. If he divorces he loses a lot and it affects his whole family, and it seems like divorcing for just sex is cheap and selfish. And then he thinks of single people, and how they have sex all the time with a whole bunch of people and it's totally socially acceptable -- stuff he can't do with anybody. Marriage is supposed to represent the most socially sanction sexual relationship there can be, and instead it's the exact opposite. He's in an invisible prison.

I think there are all kinds of emotional and ego variations of this feeling of feeling "imprisoned" in your marriage. That can result in a feeling of slow panic, and so the husband feels he needs to "bust out of prison" while there's still time!

Just my take on it.

[ssmguy]

As I see it, an MLC doesn't necessarily mean there was anything very wrong with a marriage. It's my impression that it can also result when a man realizes he probably has no more time left in his marriage, life, or career, than the time he has already been married, lived, or worked. And he realizes that not much has changed in those areas in many years, and he's suddenly panicked when he realizes that he's likely to spend the rest of his marriage, work career and life with no new changes, and he's going to get old and die. Men are taught that life is limitless and there are many doors to be opened. But at this point, he suddenly realizes all the doors are closed and everything from here on is not limitless. Rather, it's totally predictable and completely limited, from here to the grave. And that's all there is, nothing more. So he comes to the sudden realization: "Oh my god, is this it? Is this really all there is to it?" A sense of panic and the irrational thought that there is still some time left to open some more doors.

I can sort of see it, though my philosophy is more practical. I focus more on what I can do TODAY. But I've heard what I've written above from several men who have found themselves in sudden MLC's.

One man was a university professor, and he woke up one day and suddenly realized he had only so many hundred weeks left before he was going to retire, and only so many months and weeks before he would be "old". The numbers didn't sound big. Indeed our lives are short. We all have only a handful of decades and it's over. But I was struck by how this professor could just suddenly wake up to this fact and be panicked. But I can see how it results in a feeling that "I've got to do something -- anything -- even drastic -- to shake things up".

[ssmguy]

How does this fact strike you? If you're an adult, you most likely have no more decades left to live than there are fingers on ONE HAND! That's not much. That thought alone is enough to trigger some people into an MLC, I'd think.

[Ambivalent]

Dental floss?

A joke for thongs.

What kind of dancing are you doing? Just curious.

SWING !

And what's physical platonic? Sounds almost Clintonian. smile

Hahahaha! Ugh don't remind me of that pig..

It's physical , high energy dancing, and platonic. Meaning one can be touched but platonically. It is hand dancing, you know ...Lindy, Jitter Bug. LOTS of fun!

As I understand it, the typical MLC guy is suddenly worried if he's still got what it takes to attract new women. He might be worried if he can be turned on by new women and function. I say that because he says he's not attracted to you -- perhaps he's worried if he can be attracted to others too. Maybe he's worried about a drop in his libido generally? He might be looking at the likely time he has left in his life, and it might suddenly seem a lot shorter than what he was assuming. I think that can happen when you live life without doing new and exciting things in your marriage and all the years just blend together without any distinctive memories to mark the time.

He did mention the next 30 years...There is nothing I can do about this. He doesn't take me up on anything, so I'm not touching him anymore. I don't want to look desperate or as I'm chasing him.

I'm going into the 7th month of this crap and I'm getting tired.

[Ambivalent]

As I see it, an MLC doesn't necessarily mean there was anything very wrong with a marriage. It's my impression that it can also result when a man realizes he probably has no more time left in his marriage, life, or career, than the time he has already been married, lived, or worked. And he realizes that not much has changed in those areas in many years, and he's suddenly panicked when he realizes that he's likely to spend the rest of his marriage, work career and life with no new changes, and he's going to get old and die

You hit it! That was his theme

. Change. Something has to change. Couldn't be specific, but he wants change. @@ I'm so frustrated because he isn't creative.

I have SO many interests. I am high energy and love the outdoors. I play tennis, I can swim, dance, hike, play basketball, even soccer.
Bowling has been part of his life for 8 years...Y A W N . It is not my cup of regular tea, plus the smoke from those who choose to smoke.

He still golfs, which I also find slow. I do LOVE to drive the cart, the landscaping, walking the course, and I could read too.

He tends to lock me into my past. If I reacted one way one time, he sees it as permanent.

I've got to do something -- anything -- even drastic -- to shake things up".

YUP! But rather than turning to me, he is turning everywhere else.

I'm in school, and preparing for a brand new career. There is so much I want to do with him, but he is SO stuck right now.

I figure I'll give it my best for a year, and if he hasn't mad any movement towards growing or me, I have to just let him go.

I have set the example for my daughters that marriage is work. I have shared my compassion for their father. I am bending over backwards including him and considering him. Without any reciprocity.

My self-esteem won't be able to take much more of this.

It was bad enough when I was young and he spent a ton of time on the golf course or traveling for business. I understand the job, and never held it against him. It was his job.

But I am resenting this waste of time. He isn't the only one that feels like time is fleeting and how he is choosing to act out IS very destructive to myself and my two daughters . They are in their twenties, and watching very closely.


You know when I was in my early 40's, an old high
school bf wanted to reconnect. I easily could have had an affair. I chose to make the contact open, so I wouldn't be tempted nor act on anything.

The irony? He had used a prostitute just prior . And was still engaging in emails with her.

In MC-ing after he dropped the bomb, he finally admits he used her. I knew it all along , even when he was lying. I still have the emails.

Now I'm just so sick of everything. I don't like being held at such a distance. I hate how I feel, ostracized. I have Christmas to get through, and I feel so rejected and unloved.

I don't know what more I can do. I battle with my depression and cannot concentrate.

I vacillate between loving and hating him...

[Ambivalent]

How does this fact strike you? If you're an adult, you most likely have no more decades left to live than there are fingers on ONE HAND! That's not much. That thought alone is enough to trigger some people into an MLC, I'd think.

You may be right. As a woman, I dealt with this much earlier. Women deal with their looks fading. My husband always looked older than I.

Now even more so. He looks like he is in his 60's and he is 55. I am 53, and look like I'm in my early 40's. This from many people and even my daughter's sorority sisters.

Anyway, I just couldn't do to him what he is doing.

He is living in a condo two hours away from me. It is in a major Met. area. He is paying all the bills on where we lived and I'm getting pressure to work another job while I'm going to school.

I am starting to resent this, because HE is making all the decisions about us. I live in limbo, and he hasn't figured out that I'm not what is making him unhappy. He is unhappy and needs to work on himself.

I have never depended on him for happiness, and I always kept myself content, busy, and was never clingy.

Since his testosterone has dropped, he all of a sudden wants what I have wanted for years! Connectedness. Someone to do things with. Before it was always his guy friends.

Rather than explore things together it is the running away that is just so crappy.

I am feeling angry today. I have just gone through Thanksgiving with him in attendance. And then he leaves...

It is so painful, and I don't know if I will ever ever trust again. Trust anyone with my heart and soul. Trust anyone with my feelings or intimacy.

This is the second most painful abandonment I've experienced. My father was the first.

So all those voices in our heads come back again. I am tired of being strong, changing, working on me. I've been doing that my whole life.

I am so ripe right now for someone to walk into my life. I love my girls, and my husband, but I don't know how much more rejection I can take.

If I could walk away and never contact him again I believe I'd do it right now.

Problem is , I'm dependent and I'm in my own prison. The lovely antique home I enjoyed has become laborious, and a reminder of what I no longer have.

I just don't understand how an individual can walk out and not make a decision. If you feel so bad that you leave, why do you hold on ? How can someone be this cruel to someone they shared 33 years of their life?

[TeaEarlGreyHot]

I am starting to resent this, because HE is making all the decisions about us. I live in limbo, and he hasn't figured out that I'm not what is making him unhappy. He is unhappy and needs to work on himself.

I have never depended on him for happiness, and I always kept myself content, busy, and was never clingy.

Since his testosterone has dropped, he all of a sudden wants what I have wanted for years! Connectedness. Someone to do things with. Before it was always his guy friends.

Rather than explore things together it is the running away that is just so crappy.

I am feeling angry today. I have just gone through Thanksgiving with him in attendance. And then he leaves...

It is so painful, and I don't know if I will ever ever trust again. Trust anyone with my heart and soul. Trust anyone with my feelings or intimacy.

This is the second most painful abandonment I've experienced. My father was the first.

So all those voices in our heads come back again. I am tired of being strong, changing, working on me. I've been doing that my whole life.

I am so ripe right now for someone to walk into my life. I love my girls, and my husband, but I don't know how much more rejection I can take.

If I could walk away and never contact him again I believe I'd do it right now.

Problem is , I'm dependent and I'm in my own prison. The lovely antique home I enjoyed has become laborious, and a reminder of what I no longer have.

I just don't understand how an individual can walk out and not make a decision. If you feel so bad that you leave, why do you hold on ? How can someone be this cruel to someone they shared 33 years of their life?

There are and always will be days like this. At one level it just wears you down...just the constant monologue that you can't really shut off. At another level there is all the investment: time, household, children, people who know you as a couple. "Is it all worth throwing away?" is a question that each of you is going to have to address even though it only takes one to say "yes" to upend the marriage.

MLCs can be about the fear of aging, of mortality. They can also be about this: "is this all there is? Is this all I am?" In the context of dissatisfaction with "all there is" and "all I am," the escapism of a MLC definitely has it's draw. The "grass does look greener" even if it is an illusion.

While giving space and allowing for forgiveness may both be hard to do around a MLC (because of the various 'unacceptable' behaviors), they are also almost mandatory when the moment for reconciliation presents itself. Know that it may never come, but be ready for it when it does.

The Captain

[Ambivalent]

MLCs can be about the fear of aging, of mortality. They can also be about this: "is this all there is? Is this all I am?" In the context of dissatisfaction with "all there is" and "all I am," the escapism of a MLC definitely has it's draw. The "grass does look greener" even if it is an illusion.

Well since he's in replay...the grass, with the fertilizer of Viagra DOES look greener. It may even BE greener.

Don't know...don't care anymore...