Divorce Busting Techniques

[melissag]

Hi Lou,

Sorry you are having a tough time. I understand how you feel - the uncertainty is very difficult.

If I am happy then I know WH will relax and think - good that is over.. she is happy so now I don’t have to worry about her.. and I can continue doing what I want.. I know that . It is him avoid conflict and confrontation and hurt feelings and crying.

I know it feels like that - and you may be right. I will say that fighting him on it and crying will certainly do you no good, and will only make things worse. So you don't really have much of a choice other than to conduct yourself with dignity. It is possible that your H will feel relieved, but who knows how long that will last. Since you cannot know nor control how your H will feel, you need to focus on behaving in a way that makes YOU feel good about YOU. I can tell by your posts that you already know that, just keep reminding yourself. I know it may seem like small solace right now, but you won't feel this way forever.

I keep fearing I will come home and he will have been here with a truck, taken the furniture he wants and say nothing..

This not knowing is driving me crazy.. and while I know I need to move on.. it is hard when I do not know where I will be living, working , how much money I will have, what furniture I will have.. nothing...

Well, at some point, you will need to tackle these issues, but it isn't necessarily now. If you can, take one day at a time. Now is not a good time for you to be making big life decisions anyway. So focus on GAL, GAL, GAL, and taking care of yourself. Make a list each day of what you want and need to do. Make sure GAL and PMA are on that list. When you feel down, accept that you are going through a very hard time and you are going to feel bad, but refocus on doing the things you know will be good for you. At the end of the day, don't gauge your success on whether your H has come back home; gauge it on whether you have done the things on your list - did you have a good PMA? Did you do GAL activities? Did you behave (with H and others) in accordance with the person you want to be?

I tried that the last time he was home..
steeled myself to not ask questions ( that is controlling)
made myself not ask about his plans or relationship talk ( 37 steps advice)
practiced validating to myself so it was more natural when I would use it for him

I was ready and also 180 becuae I use to drive all the conversations

so what happened

NOTHING

we walked the dog, cooked and ate, watched T V talked about the week a very little

and generally felt uncomfortable with each other...

then he left..

so that did not work really

Lou, you already know this, but sometimes with DBing, it takes a LONG time to see any kind of results. Sometimes an interaction that isn't negative is a success. Each time he has an interaction with you where you are not controlling, there is no conflict, and you seem happy, it will stick in his head, and eventually he will realize that's just how you are now.

Only you know how much uncertainty you can handle. If certainty is your top priority, maybe you should talk with H sooner rather than later. Next time he says you should talk, set up a time and place.

Take care of yourself, today, Lou!