Look what the cat dragged in! (TL)

[tigerlily78]

H came home much earlier this morning than I expected, especially after our dreadful Thanksgiving. I thought he might wait around until the afternoon to show up if he came at all.

I got up briefly this morning and scooped the litter box and adjusted the temp in the house. Noticed the car was here so I stopped by his den and told him I was going back to bed, he was welcome to join me if he wanted.

Only took a minute for him to show up in bed. Spooning for all of 30 seconds, he was immediately aroused. (good to know I still have that effect) He asked if he could do "favors" for me again. I told him it was a tempting offer, but I just wanted him to hold me, that I really was happy now just to have him in the bed with me. He was very touchy, clearly pushing boundaries. I kept reminding him that there is a limit to what I want to do right now under the circumstances.

He told me another favor he wanted. I told him we all want things, but that doesn't mean we get them. He told me to tell him some of the things I want, so I listed some things I want. (To see him smile, to spend quality time with him in the light of day where I can see his handsome face, to maybe go out together once in awhile, to be able to have a conversation for once that doesn't turn into an argument, to share the bed with him more often, and "a lot of other things that aren't so simple"). He tells me he wants those things too, and has even asked to do a few of them, but I keep getting angry or saying something rude and then he doesn't feel like it anymore. I tell him I know, I need to keep working on getting my anger under control. I don't want to let my anger get the best of me, but I do feel like I have some very good reasons to be angry right now. I asked if he thought that was true. He agreed, I have legitimate reasons to be angry.

I didn't want the conversation to keep going that direction, so I told him I feel like I am losing and missing out on so many things I used to take for granted. And I listed a lot of things. He was quiet. I asked, so you said the other day you sometimes miss me. What do you miss or like about me? He launched into a list of things that were all blatantly sexual/physical in nature. I said, "I dare you to list 3 things that are non-sexual." He lists several more things of a sexual nature. I said, those are all obviously sexual. You haven't fulfilled the dare. So he says he misses my intelligence, my sense of humor, and the way I can get things done without his help.

I tell him I don't feel like I have had much of a chance to be funny or smart when he is around lately. He ignores this and brings the conversation back around to how much he misses and wants this certain favor. He says "What can I give you that you want, so you will give me what I want?" I laughed quietly and told him I don't negotiate with terrorists. He laughs too and then is quiet for a minute. Then he says he does feel bad about treating me badly, that he wishes it didn't have to hurt me so much to do what he is doing. I say, "I wish it didn't have to hurt me too, but it does."

Silence for a minute, then I ask why he still wants to be with me in the bed, for cuddling and "other things". He admits, "because it is so comfortable. Sex with ow isn't terrible, it isn't even her that's the problem, it's me. I just don't feel comfortable with her like I do with you."

So I ask, isn't it possible you just want to be with me as a filler until you feel more comfortable with her? I don't think that is a fair position to put me in.

He says he doesn't know. He just knows that being with me is comfortable and he wants it. He doesn't know if he will ever get comfortable with her, how can he know?

I ask if he remembers being uncomfortable with me for a long time in the beginning, and that if he was I never noticed it. He says he doesn't remember if he was. He just knows that he feels so comfortable with me now and has for such a long time. He doesn't remember it ever not being like this.

I tell him I am really comfortable with him too, physically. I wish I didn't feel like I have to be so emotionally guarded now.

He brings the discussion back to wants. What can he give me that will earn him the favor. He throws some things out there, "We could go out for breakfast, we could go do some shopping together, we could take a shower together, we could watch a movie this afternoon."

I tell him I don't want to trade favors like it's a business transaction... "I don't want the Pretty Woman treatment." That I do things that I do for him for the sake of making him happy and showing that I care. And that normally I really like doing *that* favor for him, that I like bringing him that level of pleasure just for the sake of giving it. I explain that I want him to do things for me for the same reason, because he wants to give me happiness or show he cares, not because it is required. Not because I negotiated for it.

I say that today I want to show him that I care, and that it probably can't hurt my case to remind him how good I am at this favor, and what he could be missing out on one day. I tell him all I really expect is to be treated with basic respect and friendship, and if he wants to give me anything above that it will be for him to decide.

So I do the favor. I can tell it was very pleasurable, like maybe "top 10 ever" pleasurable. I would say based on my observations that he really has NOT been having a fully satisfying experience elsewhere. That part seems to be true. He says it was AMAZING and thanks me. He lays smiling at me for a minute enjoying the moment. I enjoy watching him.

We do end up in the shower together. I reach over and touch him a few times affectionately as a matter of natural body language while we are talking, but the shower is mostly just the two of us facing each other and talking while we bathe.

I mention that the other day he said he has "a plan." I was wondering if he wanted to share the plan with me. "The plan" turns out to be "not a plan" in my book, but I don't say that. His plan is to "take things a day at a time and just feel things out until I understand what I am feeling and can make a decision." I smile and say, "For some reason, knowing you, I expected the plan to be a lot more detailed." I say, "Well, I don't really want to look too far down the road either, I was worried you might tell me you have a plan for moving out." He says he doesn't want that right now, that he isn't planning for it. He asks if it's what I want. I tell him right now it isn't really what I want, but I also won't live forever with things like they are right now. It's just too hard. I can do it for awhile, but there is a limit. He says having his den is really important to him right now, that he needs that space where he can just be alone and not bothered by anybody. I ask, "can't you have that same experience at ow's while she is at work?" He says it isn't the same. He likes a space that is JUST his, that is comfortable and nice, that he can't relax there like he can in his den. I repeat that I understand having his den to relax in is important to him, that I am sorry I have tried to push my way into that space recently when he didn't want me there.

I say, "Do you remember how you told me OW is a 6 or a 7? I say, "So, do you think I was ever a 6 or a 7? Or higher?" He says, "Yes, definitely you have been a 7 and higher, and when we first moved here I think you were much higher. I was feeling really good about things then." I nod and repeat, "So I was definitely a 7 or higher sometimes. That's nice to know. I am kind of worried that maybe you won't feel like you can dump her unless she reaches zero, since you have risked so much to be with her. Do you think that's the case?" He says no, he thinks that it would only take a 4 for him to decide he didn't want to be with her. And if he broke up with her he thinks he probably wouldn't feel like being in a relationship with anyone for awhile, but that it would make sense for him to be in a relationship with me."

I ask why he doesn't think he'd want to be in a relationship with anyone. He says he feels like no one understands how hard this situation is for him. That he thought that he would feel better because of this, that in the beginning he thought we would all be better off because of it. Now he sees that a lot of things are worse. It seems to be worse for him than he thought it would be, worse on me, worse on our son, only OW has it better. (OMG! Is that some clarity?!! Or is he just reading all the same websites I do?)

I validate that I know the situation puts a lot of pressure on him and that things haven't gone quite the way he thought they would. That I know it isn't easy for him either.

I tell him I am going to get out of the shower at this point, that he can finish up and I am going to go make us breakfast. It was 11am by this time, I could hear his stomach growling and he mentioned being famished several times.

Later in the day he went out to "do some shopping." He had mentioned several stores he planned to go to, came back an hour later and he had only been to Home Depot, which is literally 10 minutes from our house. He came home with a new lock for his den door (okay, so his take away seemed to be "I don't want people coming into my den when I don't want them to"). He tells me "Do you like Poinsettias? Are those poisonous for the cats?" I tell him I think Poinsettias are lovely, and yes they can be bad for the cats if they eat them. He asks if I would want one, that Home Depot has them on sale for 99cents today. I said, that would be very nice. I know just where I could put it, up here on the cookbook shelf. He asks, "How many would you want?" I say, one or maybe two. If I move this thing on the shelf there is room for two and the cats can't get them.

He goes out to the car and brings in a Poinsettia. I laugh and tell him thank you, it's really very nice. I put it on the shelf and it looks great. An hour or two later he goes out to the car and brings in a second plant. He says, "I hope you don't mind, I bought one for me too. I will keep it in my den." I say I don't mind at all. Then another hour later he brings in a third plant. He says, "Don't be mad, I bought one for my friend too." I tell him its okay, I am just happy he thought of me too... that I suspect maybe he was thinking of her when he decided to buy one, but that he decided to get me one was thoughtful. He says, "I was thinking of all three of us when I bought them, remember I got myself one too."

Later while he was getting ready to go tonight he called out to me for help several times. "I can't find ____." I told him each time where I thought _____ was and to let me know if he needed more help. He didn't need more help, he eventually found what he was looking for and let me know he was successful. I told him I was glad he found what he was looking for and left it at that.

He also told me he brought his beard trimmer home to trim his beard some. I laughed and asked if he was going to get in trouble for that. He said he didn't care, he was going to trim it because it was getting to be too much and he didn't like how it feels, but that he DID bring the trimmer here so he could do it without anyone telling him differently. (ha) So he did trim the beard so it is more like the scruffy handsome dad look again. He thought he trimmed it a little too much, but I told him I still liked this look better than the full beard, and that in a few days it would be more the length he wants anyways.

So everyone update your beardometers!!

I got a hug before he left. He reminded me that he will be gone, probably until Sunday. That he hoped he would be home Sunday but he didn't know yet what the plans were, he hoped the weekend wouldn't be so busy that he couldn't come home Sunday for awhile.

Today was a complete 180 from Thanksgiving. I am thankful for the change! If you managed to read this far then I am thankful for your giant attention span and interest too.