The Road Not Taken

[AJM]

W saw it and grilled me about why I bought another one. "I hope you're not giving that to me." "Who are you buying that for?" "You are do secretive lately." I bought a book as well and got "What are you buying, another book on marriage or something? Don't you have enough to read?" Literally mocking me with a smarta$$ smile on her face. DBing took over instead of anger. I just told her who I was buying the movie for and told her that I liked reading and trying to get better at life.

Don't let that get to you. I got a LOT of the same from mine. I read a lot then, and I still do now. I remember thinking at the time, "what? I'm not supposed to want to work on my marriage? That seems silly." It's her thing to deal with.

I agree. Let her do her, and you do you. If going back to work helps, then I hope that comes sooner than later.

These are her issues to deal with. You can't help. You can however have a good time with the kids and with yourself on your time off. Enjoy the time. Regardless of what she does you'll always have you and for a very long time, the kids. Be present to the exclusion of her so you don't miss the good times

AJ

[JFun51]

I need to find strength tonight. W is pushing the heck out of my buttons today. Completely absent minded, oblivious, & self centered. Then happy happy happy pretty little girl face on for everyone else. Then tried to talk to me like everything is all good after yelling at me. I guess we are supposed to be good friends like that. I'm giving and giving and giving, but things are just getting worse. I know there should be no expectations, but damn I feel like I'm getting beat up every F-ing day for nothing. She looks at me with hollow eyes filled with nothingness and contempt. This is the woman I have given my life to. What a crock of sh!t. She lies constantly. She lives at least 3 different lives now. She is oblivious to any shred of reality or responsibility.

She went out midnight shopping last night and bought nothing for our Angel tree kids & little for our own kids. 90% of what she bought was new clothes for herself. Then she's commenting today that she's gotta do something about her eyebrows, because she just doesn't like them. Eyebrows? Really?

I need to vent tonight. This roller coaster is whipping my a$$ right now. All anyone sees is this beautiful little woman that goes out of her way for everyone else. I wish someone else besides me and S12 would have a clue as to what kind if hateful, lying, self absorbed, callous, irrational b!&$ch we are living with. On top of that, only me and her boyfriends know about her sexcapades. And I'm supposed to keep my mouth shut and take all this BS in hopes that she will one day recognize what she's done? What then? I get a woman back that hates sex, hates intimacy, hates my friends, and now has even more baggage? And I'm supposed to carry on like this for years so that I can help her and be here for her when and IF she ever emerges from the tunnel?

I teach teenagers every day. They are the most self centered people in the world. Even most teenagers will realize when you are trying to help them. They will open their eyes when bad sh!t happens and know that they need to start thinking about what the heck is going on around them.

Everything good I have done for myself, my kids, and my marriage is ridiculed and thrown up in my face. I can't defend myself or explain myself because that doesn't work. This stuff is hard. Life is hard. I need strength.

[Whiterose]

Vent away jfun. It's why you're here. She's a princess teen girl, they're hard to deal with the first time around! let alone the second time. You're doing great and eventually others will see through the facade. Cracks happen. They have to. It's not real and unsustainable.

Keep reading and watching movies and let her think what she needs to survive.

PS the eyebrow thing. I just snorted coffee reading that!! Hahahah

[indigo1]

I feel your pain JF. This crap we are going through really is horrible. I'm very down in the dumps right now as well. We were both making some progress then get shut down again just when we start to let our guards down a little. Or at least I let mine down. I'm going into complete detach mode again myself, its the only thing I know to do. Best of luck to you, keep your head up.

[AJM]

She lives at least 3 different lives now.

What? And that's a picnic?

J, I know what you're going through. Believe me, I've walked in those shoes. It's not easy. Heck, it's harder than that.

But don't give up and lose your perspective. You can't know what's ahead. You can't know what choices will be made - by either of you. Your perspective right now is looking down the road and wondering where it all leads. You can't know.

What you do know is what you're about. You do know what impact you're having on your son - and it's good on both counts. That is important!!! What she is doing? That's NOT important. That's just filler in the grand scheme of things.

Look. You can get off this ride any time you want. And I mean that. You can. She can't. Your kids can't. But you can. You could walk away now and nobody would think badly about you for doing it. But for what? For what "might" happen according to your feelings? I doubt you'll be happy about that very long. It's not who you are.

Be you. Be the man you are becoming each day. Be the father you've become. Be the husband you've become. Let your W figure herself out. If she does and comes back, I doubt it'll be anything you could dream up - it'll be better. If she doesn't, you'll be more than fine and you'll know you stuck it out when most people would not. And believe me, that's worth a tremendous amount to you, your kids, their kids and in a strange way (right now) even your W.

Today is not what is at stake. Think longer term and remember you always have choices. Remember that what she's doing at the moment is only part of the symptoms of what she's going through. Remember that you are all that stands between your kids and her in her current state of mind. Remember the changes you are doing for YOU - those are regardless of what she does, says, or thinks.

Years from now, this will look different to you. This moment in time will be part of a much larger picture. How do you want your part painted?

Peace,
AJ

[JFun51]

Needed to vent. Picked up DR and started reading it again. DR in one hand and Bible in the other. I've turned off the TV to try and refocus. I think I'm gonna go up now and spend some silly time with S10 or play video game with S12. Whoever jumps first.

[tigerlily78]

JFun, sorry you are having a down night. I know the uncertainty of whether the work will pay off the way we want it to is enough to make you nuts, and the fact that they can't in this moment appreciate the sacrifice and hardwork we are putting in adds insult to the injury.

Every day is a new day, leading up to a future we can't yet know. Whatever the outcome, I think it is important to most of us to know that we did what we could on our end to give the R a fighting chance. That's what you have been doing. I think even though you are feeling discouraged tonight, you will decide by tomorrow morning that you aren't ready to give up the fight just yet. Even if your W doesn't appreciate the changes you have made and the work you are putting in, clearly your sons do. Let their appreciation be enough for now.

[JFun51]

Terrible morning. 6am W gets a text that wakes me up. Tries to lie saying she is checking to time. Leads to R talk. I get it all again.

-I told you I'm done
-I don't love you
-You just go on and be Mr Mom. Have at it
-I have told you everything
-Everything is fake
-What am I supposed to do?
-I don't want to hear about you trying to be better.
-Just leave. You've had plenty of chances.
-If you don't want me texting beside you at night, don't come to bed.
-I haven't been happy in a long time.
-This isn't a MLC. This is something that has taken a long time.
-You are just trying to be a martyr.
-You're just better than me.
-OM has filled a hole for me.
-I don't need a man.
-What are we supposed to do?
-I stopped talking to him for 2 weeks to work on things here.
-You've just never been here for me.
-I've done everything for 10 years.
-Sitting in the church pew with you is a joke.
-How am I supposed to believe you've flipped a switch?
-I am not leaving. I'll take the kids and it's not fair to uproot them.
-Even S10 sees you saying things and tells me not to fight.

I tried to validate every time I was attacked. I sympathized and listened. The only point that I didn't let go was the money. She's burned through the money that was supposed to pay bills. I have a bonus check that was supposed to be kept for the boys Christmas that I'll now have to use for bills.

Nuggets while she was talking:
-Maybe I just needed a break from everything.
-I've gotten tired of taking care of everyone.
-Everything we do is a choice.
-Real love is something you shouldn't have to work at. Marriage, yes.

Yuck. On top of it all, I have to go to a funeral today.

[JFun51]

Forgot one of the best ones:

-Maybe all I wanna do is come up here to my bedroom because I don't want to be around you. I don't wanna do anything in the house. I don't want to be here. I don't want to be anywhere or anything with you.

[job]

I'm so sorry she's having a rant this morning. I know the things she's saying are hurtful, but please do not take them personally. If she's not happy, then she should be the one to leave...whatever you do, do not leave if she demands that you do so.

Leave her be and go on w/your day. She is acting out like a 2 yr old.

Take care of yourself and your children.