Just saw H for first time since he left yesterday. I was prepping myself all day to not ask where he went and I didn't. Did not initiate any personal conversation. He didn't ask about Thanksgiving and I didn't tell him anything.
A few weeks ago I was trying a 180 to show more interest in his work because he said I didn't care. I was asking him when he got home how his day was. That just made him mad and he thought I was being fake. I stopped after a few days and now we are on such limited contact. I am just reinforcing his idea that I don't care?
Julie, I struggle with this myself - my H wanted more affection and intimacy . . . he felt like I didn't care about him. So DBing is very difficult, given the "don't pursue" rule. If your H thinks you are being fake, you can let him know (if this is true) that you are not being fake - that you finally listened to what he said, and that he is right - you did not show enough interest, and that you now see how much that hurt him and you are sorry. You can even say, "I am interested in your work, and I do want to hear how your day went, but I understand that right now you might not want to talk with me about that, so if you would prefer, I will stop asking." And/or, you can say, "I know that talk is cheap, and I understand that it might seem fake." I don't think that telling him these things (as long as your actions are consistent with your words) is a bad thing.
I know that DB is big on actions speak louder than words, and I agree, but - I do think that sometimes you can use words to bolster or explain your actions. For example, I made it clear to my DH, after a few weeks of DBing, when R talk came up, that I wanted very much to show him affection, but my only reason for not doing so is because I am respecting his stated need for space, and that it is important to me to respect and support his needs because I realize now that I did not do that enough before.
I don't think you should march up to him out of the blue and point out all the ways you have changed - he will notice those on his own. But, if it comes up, I think you can say something - just make sure it's not defensive! If you tell him the truth (assuming it is the truth) - that this sitch has made you take a good hard look at yourself, and that you are making some much needed changes, then no, he may not believe you, but it will give him some food for thought, and he might start paying more attention to see whether it's really true. The other positive to this (if done under the right circumstances) is that, when you acknowledge your fault in something, you are taking away his ammunition against you.
Just my $.02.
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
So DBing is very difficult, given the "don't pursue" rule. If your H thinks you are being fake, you can let him know (if this is true) that you are not being fake - that you finally listened to what he said, and that he is right - you did not show enough interest, and that you now see how much that hurt him and you are sorry. You can even say, "I am interested in your work, and I do want to hear how your day went, but I understand that right now you might not want to talk with me about that, so if you would prefer, I will stop asking." And/or, you can say, "I know that talk is cheap, and I understand that it might seem fake." I don't think that telling him these things (as long as your actions are consistent with your words) is a bad thing.
