Briefly - We have a business with operations here and a fledgling operation overseas. H has essentially moved overseas to build/run that operation and left me to run this one. H has created a whole new life there - apartment, friends and OW. He has been home for two very brief visits over the past 4 months - essentially, we are separated.
On the last visit, H said he didn't want to be married anymore and didn't want to be a husband. He wants D. But, he said he cares for me, wants to remain good friends and can't imagine a life without me. He has told me countless times over the past couple of months that he wants me in his life, but would never describe how or what role he wanted me to play.
I have suspected for some time that he felt he needed me to run the business here while he pursued his new life overseas. He's trying to cake-eat on a business level as well as a personal one.
So .... on the last visit, I told him (lovingly, of course) that D was not the direction I wanted to go, that it was difficult for me to throw in the towel without even trying, but I understood what he needed and accepted it.
Then I said that if we were going to break-up, that the break would have to be a clean one - that I could not continue to be his business partner. I told him that the process would be extremely painful to me and I would need to end contact with him in order to heal. I told him I knew he couldn't afford to buy me out, but asked that between now and his next visit home, that he try to work on a solution that would fairly compensate me for my interest in the business. I added that I would train my replacement to manage the finances.
His response: He never even considered a scenario where I was completely out of the picture! And, he admitted he couldn't pursue the overseas operation unless I was running things here.
He talked a lot about who "wins" and that he couldn't do it alone, who he would have to fire, threatened to close the whole thing down, etc. I did not cave and stood firm. My only responses were that I had never threatened harm to the business and that having someone who did not want me was not a "win" in my book and it was not my intention to force him into anything - that I was only trying to give him what he wants and do what was best for me in the process ... all calmly and lovingly expressed.
For the remaining two days that he was here, I was kind, pleasant, friendly and showed no despair or regret over my decision.
While taking him to the airport, he told me that he had felt uncomfortable the first few days he was here, but that went away and he enjoyed his stay. He thanked me for being so great to him and said for the first time in a long time he didn't want to leave - that he didn't want to go back.
As for the D ... I don't plan on doing anything to facilitate that process. I just needed to make him understand that I wouldn't let him use me for his own selfish reasons after dumping me for a new life and OW - that he couldn't have his cake and eat it too I don't know if that would be considered "pressure" or not. But, he had to understand that I will not be his doormat.
We shall see what happens from here, but I feel good about setting that boundary.
Me: 59 and holding H: :53 Me: 1 S, 1 D, both grown M: 19 T: 23 BD: 9-23-2013
