A twist on cake-eating & dropping a bomb of my own

[2Times2Many]

New chapter, new thread.

My sitch is here http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2391820&page=1

Briefly - We have a business with operations here and a fledgling operation overseas. H has essentially moved overseas to build/run that operation and left me to run this one. H has created a whole new life there - apartment, friends and OW. He has been home for two very brief visits over the past 4 months - essentially, we are separated.

On the last visit, H said he didn't want to be married anymore and didn't want to be a husband. He wants D. But, he said he cares for me, wants to remain good friends and can't imagine a life without me. He has told me countless times over the past couple of months that he wants me in his life, but would never describe how or what role he wanted me to play.

I have suspected for some time that he felt he needed me to run the business here while he pursued his new life overseas. He's trying to cake-eat on a business level as well as a personal one.

So .... on the last visit, I told him (lovingly, of course) that D was not the direction I wanted to go, that it was difficult for me to throw in the towel without even trying, but I understood what he needed and accepted it.

Then I said that if we were going to break-up, that the break would have to be a clean one - that I could not continue to be his business partner. I told him that the process would be extremely painful to me and I would need to end contact with him in order to heal. I told him I knew he couldn't afford to buy me out, but asked that between now and his next visit home, that he try to work on a solution that would fairly compensate me for my interest in the business. I added that I would train my replacement to manage the finances.

His response: He never even considered a scenario where I was completely out of the picture! And, he admitted he couldn't pursue the overseas operation unless I was running things here.

He talked a lot about who "wins" and that he couldn't do it alone, who he would have to fire, threatened to close the whole thing down, etc. I did not cave and stood firm. My only responses were that I had never threatened harm to the business and that having someone who did not want me was not a "win" in my book and it was not my intention to force him into anything - that I was only trying to give him what he wants and do what was best for me in the process ... all calmly and lovingly expressed.

For the remaining two days that he was here, I was kind, pleasant, friendly and showed no despair or regret over my decision.

While taking him to the airport, he told me that he had felt uncomfortable the first few days he was here, but that went away and he enjoyed his stay. He thanked me for being so great to him and said for the first time in a long time he didn't want to leave - that he didn't want to go back.

As for the D ... I don't plan on doing anything to facilitate that process. I just needed to make him understand that I wouldn't let him use me for his own selfish reasons after dumping me for a new life and OW - that he couldn't have his cake and eat it too I don't know if that would be considered "pressure" or not. But, he had to understand that I will not be his doormat.

We shall see what happens from here, but I feel good about setting that boundary.

[2Times2Many]

A couple of observations from H's last visit.

He seems to have periods of clarity where he admits he knows he is confused and admits that he has done things he knows were wrong and hurtful.

He told me that for the longest time he had me on a pedestal and I was #1. But he became selfish, made himself #1, knocked me off the pedestal and took my place. He said he thought it was pretty great up there, but he was looking down on me and he didn't like looking down on me.

He also said, many times, that if he had known where we would end up, he never would have gone down this path.

I suppose that is normal - to flip back and forth between the confusion and the clarity - but I didn't expect him to show me that vulnerability.

But, other times, he was adamant that he was going to pursue this new aspect of the business - with or without me. It was really, really hard to validate that desire, but I did. I told him I admired the fact that he could set a goal and had the courage to try to achieve it. Ugh!

The other interesting thing that happened:

It was rather cold and I mentioned I was going to take a bath before bed to warm up. I told him he was welcome to join me if he wanted to "warm his bones." (We used to share baths a lot.) Surprisingly, he did. But, as he was sitting at his end of the tub, his eyes kept darting around the room - looking at the ceiling, the walls, everywhere but in my direction. He was clearly very uncomfortable. I just chatted and made small talk, he thawed and we eventually ended up ML that evening before going to our separate rooms.

I know that the shared bath is little more intimate that just having a romp and I know that it probably brought back some memories, but I'm wondering if he may have felt he was cheating on OW by his behavior?

I know the issue of ML under these circumstances is debatable around here, but that is H's way of connecting and I think it would do more harm than good to refuse him. And, if he feels like he's "cheating" on OW and begins to question his commitment to her, good!

[AJM]

Always a shame there's no like button

For what it's worth, I think you're handling things very well and very gracefully.

Peace,
AJ

[2Times2Many]

Thank you, AJ. It's not always easy, but I try.

Another thing that happened while H was here is that he announced he was going to change his Christmas visit to leave Dec. 23rd and not be here for Christmas day. I have no idea what the "original" plan was, but he said this after a disagreement about something - sort of as a punishment to me, I guess.

I just said okay, I understood and booked a flight to spend Christmas with my sister.

After I told him I couldn't be in business with him after a D, he asked "How about I change my schedule to be here for Christmas?" I thought that was odd since it kind of came out of the blue during the convo.

I told him I didn't want to disappoint my sister and didn't think I should cancel that. He suggested that we make a decision about that "next week." Again, odd.

I started putting things together and realized some stuff just didn't add up. So, I gently and innocently asked some questions about it - like I didn't know he could fly out so late and still make a connection in Europe to his destination. He came up with a vague answer that wasn't an answer. Later, I asked point blank if the reason he had "changed" his plans was because he had made other plans for Christmas. He said no.

Anyway, I suspect that he had made other plans, decided he should be here for damage control and now has to try to unmake those plans.

I know he is lying - none of it adds up - but I think the thing that irritates me the most isn't the lies, it is the fact that he thinks I am stupid. Arghh!

Anyway, I'm not changing my plans. I'm not quite sure how I should handle that if he goes ahead and changes his schedule without consulting me first. There's no way he would go with me - he doesn't like my sister. I suppose I just leave him here by himself??

I don't know how I would handle that one.

[tigerlily78]

2Many,

I think you are handling the Christmas situation right. He told you one thing, you made other plans, he changed his mind and he has to accept the consequences. It's really that simple. You are doing the right thing by holding firm to the plans you have made.

I can empathize with you on the ML. It's a hard call to make, I can see how in my own situation that sexual intimacy is very important to my H. I have made it clear I am no longer interested in having intercourse with him until he has an STD panel and is back to sleeping here at night. In the meantime there are other things I we can do that don't violate that boundary but are still intimate. And I do see how having that connection seems to draw him out a little more. I guess I look at it this way... if in the end he leaves me for good, am I going to regret having been intimate with him? I don't think I will. Maybe it will prolong limbo, but I think from my current observations the intimacy actually seems to be making my H see through the fog a little more and reassess some of his initial feelings at BD.

[2Times2Many]

Thanks, TL.

I started reading your sitch today, but haven't finished, so I don't quite know where things stand with you now, but will catch up today.

If I had any reservations about Christmas, he just made up my mind for me.

I know he had a lay-over in Europe on his way back to the other side of the world, so sent him a text saying I hoped his flight was okay and thanking him for some of the stuff he did around the house while he was here. I didn't expect a response since it would be the middle of the night here when he got the message.

He finally landed about an hour ago and sent me a text telling me he had arrived and then launched into a "lesson" on texting, explaining that when one of us is asleep we shouldn't text. We should only text when we know we are both awake. He added that in an hour he would be back at his apt and asleep, so don't send him anything!

Really?? Does he really think I am that stupid? I am so angry right now. It's one of those moments when you wonder why you are even trying.

I agree with you TL about the ML. If things go the worst way, I won't regret it. My H did get the STD panel as have I.

[tigerlily78]

I wouldn't take the text personally. I would almost say this is an intentional effort on his part to reclaim his distance. You had an intimate experience, you send him a nice text... the "MLC Dance" pretty much calls for him moving back away in response. He got the message, even if he doesn't want to acknowledge it. You appreciated the time you spent with him, he knows this. But his guilt and conflicting emotions make him feel uncomfortable, he needs to reclaim some space/distance.

The fact that he texted back something so silly and kind of implying that you don't have good manners seems like projection (he is the one not being very mannerly at the moment) or a means of convincing himself that you "are still the problem" that the issues are with you and your behavior, not him. It's not because you have actually done anything wrong, he is inventing reasons.

Good luck catching up on my sitch. I think I am actually writing a book and I just don't know it yet. lol. I am very thankful though to anyone who invests the time to read up or even chime in on a post. I guess right now I don't have a lot of direct questions, I am just rolling with the sitch, but it is very cathartic to reflect on each day and write it out. I think it brings me a lot more insight and I can identify patterns better.

[2Times2Many]

I texted back and told him that I understood what he was saying and I had not expected a text back.

He called a short while later and we clarified the sitch. He said he was glad he had come home. I hope so, but I keep thinking - don't believe anything they say. We hung up on a good note.

Sometimes I worry that he is playing me - he can be a master manipulator when he wants and I feel like I am always on guard against that. I have fallen for that too many times in the past.

I understand rolling with the sitch. We all do it, don't we? But, you're right. It does give some clarity when you go back and read your own posts. Sometimes I see a baby step here or there that I hadn't realized was there.

Now, off to finish reading up on your sitch.

[AJM]

Just to add - You asked about visiting your sister for Christmas and if you should change your plans because he changed his? I think not. I think you made the plans and should go see your sister.

If it helps what I think

AJ

[2Times2Many]

Thanks, AJ. I am not changing my plans, although I'm not sure I want him here in the house without me. Hopefully, he doesn't change his flight without consulting me first.

I wouldn't take the text personally. I would almost say this is an intentional effort on his part to reclaim his distance. You had an intimate experience, you send him a nice text... the "MLC Dance" pretty much calls for him moving back away in response.

I think you are so right, Tiger. He has complained several times that I don't text him when he's gone, so this morning I did. Just a simple good morning, nothing more, in an effort to give him what he asked for. He took 3 hours to respond and then said he was sooooooo tired and was going to bed - his code for don't text me.

I think from here on in, he will have to contact me first.