Getting back on the horse gracefully....

[Valeska19]

Irish Whiskey. I'm waiting until the right time to open it up.. like when I decide to finally move into a nicer apartment.

Things in life are moving along. Work has been busy. I'm thankful for that.

I haven't spoken to X since our meeting.. I'm thankful for that too.
The turmoil in my heart has subsided there and the peace is just so amazing.

I still struggle with the negative effects from my marriage and divorce. Dating has proven to be difficult. I struggle with abandonment and insecurity issues. These cause me to want to flee any relationship that has a romantic twist or issue.

So I'm trying to stay present. It's a hard balance because I never want to feel that kind of pain again, but the risk is a MUST if you want an intimate relationship.

Therefore I'm working on guarding my heart by creating healthy boundaries. It's hard to do and it feels unloving, but I know that just goes with the territory of teaching an old dog new tricks.

I'm also trying to work through my triggers. Part of that is just allowing myself to be angry. I appreciate DB so much, but in alot of ways I spend so much time seeing the other person's perspective, I tend to not validate my own.

People do sh!tty things for unacceptable reasons... and that's okay to say that.

People do things that hurt me... and I don't have to be okay with that.

I see so many people turn their anger into actions they can't take back. I don't want that to be me.

But I've never been allowed to be angry... and that dates previous to my marriage.. when my dad walked out on us and I immediately went into anger management classes and was told to forgive him.

For most of the time I'm fine.. but I get emotionally exhausted from validating others and there always comes a time when something happens that reminds me of my X and I immediately get defensive and protect myself.

So I have no idea what a healthy anger looks like.

For the most part, people have been really gracious to that fact. But I've lost a few job opportunities this year. I've lost a few friendships this year.

That is where I am at 3 years after the BD. Am I a better person - absolutely.....

.. but there is so much growing I still need to do.