2 chiquitos- in case you ever see this again- Thank you. I am glad you are in a place where serenity is possible. It gives me hope for the future. Hearing from other people who have ridden the roller coaster makes me feel less crazy. All the things you described in alcoholic marriage were definitely happening here- obsessing, arguing to win,control issues. It can't have always been like this. Why would we have gotten married in the first place?
Kate's Place- I do still have hope. On very rare moments I can see the man I love and have been trying to hold onto. However, the whole package of who he is now is just. ... not good for me. Maybe I should be thankful that he is doing this although I do not like his method. I may have never had the courage to do it myself or even admit it needed to be done.
So I will work on myself which I realuze now is going to be harder and longer than I imagined. Maybe he will work on himself. And maybe someday we will be in a place to think about us again.
Ok. I am going to go hide in the bathroom and cry and then make a Thanksgiving feast for my kiddo.
Me 44 H 42 M 10 T 12 (at time of BD) Ss 20 16 S11 (special needs)
BD 9/13 H "unhappy for years" moves to seperate bedroom 10/13 EA/PA confirmed but denied S and I move out 3/15
Julie, it's OK to cry - then go have a fun Thanksgiving with your S! I know, fun is relative, but do the best you can. And make sure you don't do any mind reading today. Don't think about where H is, what he is doing, or what he is thinking. Remember that you have no idea what he is thinking, so don't torture yourself.
I agree that if H feels that he has been released from the M "trap," he will feel less pressure to fight with you. However, he may still be angry with you and pick fights since he needs to blame you for his A. You just need to remain calm no matter what. And don't think about how long this is going to take - that can be overwhelming. Accept that there is no quick fix, and then live one day at a time. Do your best each day to be calm with H, work on yourself, GAL, and have fun with your son. You will see tiny improvements in how you feel.
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
Just saw H for first time since he left yesterday. I was prepping myself all day to not ask where he went and I didn't. Did not initiate any personal conversation. He didn't ask about Thanksgiving and I didn't tell him anything.
A few weeks ago I was trying a 180 to show more interest in his work because he said I didn't care. I was asking him when he got home how his day was. That just made him mad and he thought I was being fake. I stopped after a few days and now we are on such limited contact. I am just reinforcing his idea that I don't care?
Me 44 H 42 M 10 T 12 (at time of BD) Ss 20 16 S11 (special needs)
BD 9/13 H "unhappy for years" moves to seperate bedroom 10/13 EA/PA confirmed but denied S and I move out 3/15
He ate my Thanksgiving left overs. I actually spent hours yesterday debating with myself whether I should fix him a plate or just put it all away. I didn't want there to be any pressure. I decided to put it all away. I can't believe I invested so much energy into such a small decision. No wonder I am exhausted!
Me 44 H 42 M 10 T 12 (at time of BD) Ss 20 16 S11 (special needs)
BD 9/13 H "unhappy for years" moves to seperate bedroom 10/13 EA/PA confirmed but denied S and I move out 3/15
1. My s. He was out of bed every few minutes till way past midnight. Of course this is typical on an exciting day but what got me was H disregard of the situation. The room he sleeps in is right across the hall. I know he was awake because I could hear his phone beeping over and over with incoming texts. He made no effort to help even when s was crying "I miss my Daddy"
This is not coparenting. He only takes responsibility for S when I am not there and then I worry that he is not attentive. (Hanging out in basement and leaving S alone). I can't see talking to him about it. It took a week to get him to sit down to talk about who will be with S all the days of winter break. I got 2 min of his time and in the end I still only have a vague "I will see what I can do. " btw.. This is new he used to be a very attentive father.
2. Getting very nervous about going to Alanon wed night. Particularly what to say when H asks me where I am going and he probably will if it interferes with his own desire to go out. There are no other options as I am already borrowing money to cover all the times I will need babysitter in Dec and no friends or family close to watch S.
Me 44 H 42 M 10 T 12 (at time of BD) Ss 20 16 S11 (special needs)
BD 9/13 H "unhappy for years" moves to seperate bedroom 10/13 EA/PA confirmed but denied S and I move out 3/15
He can't co-parent right now so don't expect it. And really if he views being with his son as helping you out, did he ever co-parent. Remember, don't go to the hardware store for bread.
You will learn to take care of you and going to AlAnon is a start. Tell him whatever you need to tell him. What are you afraid of? And I mean that seriously, if he has a history of physical abuse that changes the picture.
You are in my thoughts. Did you look at the online AlAnon page?
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Labug- no violence. He went through a period many years ago when he was punching holes in walls but that stopped. Maybe he has just been internalizing his emotions and it is all exploding now. I am more afraid if his anger. It will make him mad because he thinks he doesn't have a problem. I have had a few days of relative calm by not engaging and walking away and I wantv to hold onto that for now.
It is not unusual for me to work late Mon and Wed night. I used to share my schedule with him but he doesn't ask anymore. I will just not go home and let him assume I am working. I will call before the 8 o'clock meetings to say good night to Sm
Me 44 H 42 M 10 T 12 (at time of BD) Ss 20 16 S11 (special needs)
BD 9/13 H "unhappy for years" moves to seperate bedroom 10/13 EA/PA confirmed but denied S and I move out 3/15
Just saw H for first time since he left yesterday. I was prepping myself all day to not ask where he went and I didn't. Did not initiate any personal conversation. He didn't ask about Thanksgiving and I didn't tell him anything.
A few weeks ago I was trying a 180 to show more interest in his work because he said I didn't care. I was asking him when he got home how his day was. That just made him mad and he thought I was being fake. I stopped after a few days and now we are on such limited contact. I am just reinforcing his idea that I don't care?
Julie, I struggle with this myself - my H wanted more affection and intimacy . . . he felt like I didn't care about him. So DBing is very difficult, given the "don't pursue" rule. If your H thinks you are being fake, you can let him know (if this is true) that you are not being fake - that you finally listened to what he said, and that he is right - you did not show enough interest, and that you now see how much that hurt him and you are sorry. You can even say, "I am interested in your work, and I do want to hear how your day went, but I understand that right now you might not want to talk with me about that, so if you would prefer, I will stop asking." And/or, you can say, "I know that talk is cheap, and I understand that it might seem fake." I don't think that telling him these things (as long as your actions are consistent with your words) is a bad thing.
I know that DB is big on actions speak louder than words, and I agree, but - I do think that sometimes you can use words to bolster or explain your actions. For example, I made it clear to my DH, after a few weeks of DBing, when R talk came up, that I wanted very much to show him affection, but my only reason for not doing so is because I am respecting his stated need for space, and that it is important to me to respect and support his needs because I realize now that I did not do that enough before.
I don't think you should march up to him out of the blue and point out all the ways you have changed - he will notice those on his own. But, if it comes up, I think you can say something - just make sure it's not defensive! If you tell him the truth (assuming it is the truth) - that this sitch has made you take a good hard look at yourself, and that you are making some much needed changes, then no, he may not believe you, but it will give him some food for thought, and he might start paying more attention to see whether it's really true. The other positive to this (if done under the right circumstances) is that, when you acknowledge your fault in something, you are taking away his ammunition against you.
Just my $.02.
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
And make sure you don't do any mind reading today. Don't think about where H is, what he is doing, or what he is thinking. Remember that you have no idea what he is thinking, so don't torture yourself.
So DBing is very difficult, given the "don't pursue" rule. If your H thinks you are being fake, you can let him know (if this is true) that you are not being fake - that you finally listened to what he said, and that he is right - you did not show enough interest, and that you now see how much that hurt him and you are sorry. You can even say, "I am interested in your work, and I do want to hear how your day went, but I understand that right now you might not want to talk with me about that, so if you would prefer, I will stop asking." And/or, you can say, "I know that talk is cheap, and I understand that it might seem fake." I don't think that telling him these things (as long as your actions are consistent with your words) is a bad thing.