Accepting the Confusion - It is what it is Part 5

[Pudmuddle]

Yours and mine seem to be on that same "football" thing. I'm starting to hate football.

You are not alone on the comments Ang...I thought about tomorrow when he leaves saying "Have fun being a fake today"

BUT...I know I cannot. I cannot. I cannot. can I? Why do they think this is ok...It svcks rocks. Make it all for the kids tomorrow and ignore H, unless he's (fake) nice to you.

My H has been nicey-nicey since he told me he was going over to Floormop's too. It's quite disgusting.

Post here Ang if you need too!!!

[Feenix]

I have a quote on my phone:

"If someone treats you like $hit, just remember that there is something wrong with them, not you. Normal people don't go around destroying other human beings."

I'm with you on the whole "how do they think it is ok?" UGH!

I'm just tired of all the lies. Makes me sick.

But, if I go tomorrow to H's family's thing...I will be nice and focus on my kiddos.

I've never hated the Holiday season more in my life. And my birthday is in December, too. Just makes this whole time of year svck right now.

[Pudmuddle]

I've never hated the Holiday season more in my life. And my birthday is in December, too. Just makes this whole time of year svck right now.

Me too! No wonder I like you so much, my bday is in December too. The 10th...I am not expecting anything from him. Nor do I care if he even made an attempt, it would seem so feeble and fake.

[Feenix]

Mine is on Christmas day. Lol! That's crazy that we both have December birthdays.

And, I agree. I don't want anything from H for my bday.

[2Times2Many]

Hi Angela,

I've been following your sitch and cannot believe how similar your's is to mine. I had a problem with texting and emailing H. It was like I needed to connect (H is overseas most of the time and rarely calls). It is so hard to break that urge.

And, I've done some backsliding about OW also. Difference is - H will come home and say "Is there anything you want to know?" and I'll say no, then change my mind and ask about OW. (And he tells me a lot of stuff I wish I didn't know.)

I think it drives you kind of batty not knowing what you're up against and the urge to find out is sometimes so overwhelming you can't fight it.

It sounds like you have a great C. I would really like to know what you come up with about how to show respect to your h. I've been trying to come up with some ways, but am not getting very far.

Hang in there.

2T2T

[Pudmuddle]

Hey 2t2m,

There is a great book called For Women Only that speaks about what respect means to men. Might be worth a read. Unless you're sick of reading.

[Feenix]

2T2,

I'll let you know if I come up with some good "respect" things...and I'll catch up on your sitch later this weekend, too!

Pud, I do have that book, too...just need to reread it.

[Feenix]

HELP! I need some serious advice.

H and I had a fight last night, after we got home from his family’s Thanksgiving. I was pretty angry and accused H of having another affair.

This morning, I apologized but that started a whole new fight. H said he was leaving and packed the rest of his clothes that are still here. He said he’s leaving because I refuse to let things go and start over fresh.

Then, he said that if I showed him a sign that I’m “really” starting over, then, he’d consider staying.

I ended up burning the paper copies of texts that I had from the OW#1 (his idea). H then left to go pick up his paycheck but did not take his stuff with him.

Here’s the dilemma. I do NOT want a separation or divorce…but I am not sure what I need to do now. Just not say anything when he comes home? Tell him to leave if that will make him happy?

He is playing some serious head games with me…and I don’t want to be a doormat…but I also don’t want to do/say something that will make things worse.

I have NO idea what I should do next. Do/say nothing?

H did say that “love” has never been the problem but that he feels like we can never be happy, etc. He also said that he doesn’t “want” me anymore…and that I was just “that girl” he knocked up.

So, lots and lots of hurtful, mean, roller coaster MLC things being thrown around…he's been in a HUGE spewing, pouting mood since yesterday.

And, I’m not sure what to do next. I do NOT want him to move out...BUT I feel like he is just manipulating me. Advice???

[tigerlily78]

It sounds like he is still in a place where he thinks YOU are the barrier to "working things out." Maybe I am wrong, but it seems like *if* he is serious about the affairs being in the past and wants to move forward, then it is a process you BOTH have to sit down and deliberately work at. It is entirely possible he isn't there yet based on the mood swings.

"Starting fresh" doesn't reasonably happen because everyone just sweeps the old problems under the rug and calls it a new day. I think you need to explain to him that you have worries that you could get right back into that place that led to the infidelity, and even though you don't want to dwell on the infidelity itself, it is important for you to understand the factors that led to it and what has to change in your marriage to keep it from happening again. Individual and couples counseling is a good tool for that, as well as some books and exercises you can do on your own.

But again, that is a process that has to be undertaken by two willing participants. If he sees no reason to change or try, he won't. And I know this is VERY frustrating. My H and I touched on this a little today. That he thinks he can only be happy with someone who excepts no "change" from him.

[Roberta]

It sounds as if your post Thanksgiving dinner reopened many wounds. You've clearly stated that you do not want a separation or a divorce, but, that you do not know what to do/or say to turn things around. I strongly suggest that you call the Divorce Busting Center for answers to your plea for help. Our coaches are trained to help you find the solutions you need to get your marriage back on track. Please call us at 303-444-7004 to discuss our coaching program.