WORKING TOWARD CONNECTING WORKING ON ME

[Pudmuddle]

Happy Thanksgiving Amb! I'm glad your daughter is with you today.

Congratulations on the weight loss. I'm sure you look amazing.

[Ambivalent]

Thank you Pud!

Well yesterday was interesting.

Having both my daughters under one roof felt good.

My oldest is truly an insecure, narcissistic young woman.

She is self-righteous and bullying at times.

It makes for some very awkward interactions and at 26, tantrums are very unbecoming.

Okay , I got that out. It saddens me that she has still a long road to go with her social skills. It has played out in her personal life away from us as well.

She lost a job, because she did not know how to say "no" to a boss younger than herself. She projects a combative attitude, rather than cooperative one, mostly when it isn't in her advantage.

I bring this up, due to her behavior last eve.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

I made a point to try and do as much of the feast prior to Thursday. This created a less stressful environment for myself, and my girls.

My youngest noticed!

The eve started out nicely. BIL arrived on time, which is nice, for he's known for always being late. Actually H's side of family is known for always being late. So this was big.

Due to the turkey being in the oven, and everything else prepared, I could sit and relax. We got to enjoy his company for about 40 minutes. My H. was late enough that I was beginning to wonder if he was going to show. He also did not call or text any of us to let us know.

This was something that caused me to raise my antennae .

I neither commented nor showed any reaction to it. He did apologize to us for being late.


My BIL brought 3 b-games and we started to set things up.

This was the first area of tension. I went to the dining room to grab a chair for myself, since I was in a skirt and heels.

As I set it down, my oldest decided to claim the seat. I gently let her know that I fetched it for myself. Being that she was in jeans, she could either set upon the floor or get a chair herself.

Instead she made an issue. Then when there were two chairs and I had gotten up and down to tend to things , I came back and sat in one of the chairs. She immediately took offence that it was the one she brought in. Okay , this is VERY petty, I see this.

What made it uncomfortable was the way it was handled. I froze and truly was in shock when she was ugly about it. Then when everyone was choosing color space markers, she through a tantrum over not getting the color she wanted. She huffed and puffed and then said she was leaving. She went upstairs and brooded.

Everyone left kind of kept silent and continued, except I did get a look from my H. I felt VERY uncomfortable and wanted to just curl up in fetal.

I said NOTHING, and I just mirrored everyone else's behavior.

After about 20 minutes, my #1 daughter came back into the room, and I patted the chair next to me and said " I'm glad you decided to come and join us. "

After that , things smoothed out and we had some fun!

I had the football game on in both rooms, major 180 for me. I could care less, but thought that the guys may appreciate it.

It was most definitely a distraction for my H. He kept checking his FF ball stats on his phone. H. brother who also is in a league, chose not to do this.

It was something that I observed and found very interesting. I noticed at times H. seemed quiet and less boisterous. This silence carried over a bit during the meal. Not so much that anyone else would notice, or that it may have been uncomfortable. I wonder if he was in his head, looking at what would no longer be, if he continues on his path of choice.

I watched listened, laughed and drank wine...180. Yes I got a wee tipsy, but I was so relaxed and truly felt at ease. Daughter #1, at one point was not content listening to H. , her uncle , and sister chat about a topic. She actually blurted out : " Can we change the topic, for I can't participate in the discussion? "

Then later as we were all slowly finishing up and having more wine, she kept asking if we were done yet? I bit my lip, and just went with the flow. No mommying, no stress, no comment!

We all resumed our game, and everyone was having an enjoyable time! Husband made lots of eye contact at dinner, and continued during the game.

Later we had pie. Eventually as the game ended H. said he needed to go, he had a long trip ahead of him...he did almost two hours away.

I started cleaning up a bit and helped him load up some future left overs. He thanked me for the wonderful meal, initiated a hug and a kiss on the mouth. Then he went into the other room! He later came back as I was still cleaning, and repeated the same actions, commented on how great I looked and yes, initiated another hug, full body, and kiss on the mouth.

He then went back into the other room with the girls and BIL. I thought he was going to leave, but no, he hung around some more. It was as if he couldn't leave without someone else going out with him!

Then, when BIL got up and started packing , along with my oldest D, he came into the kitchen with everyone. This time he was closest to the back door, and initiated the hug and kiss on the mouth again. For fun I thought I'd place my hand on his backside and give a little squeeze!

He reciprocated with his eyes and grinned while flirting back.

The three left, and it was just my daughter #2 and I in the kitchen. She was so comforting and gave me a huge hug. Validated that the evening went wonderfully and that I looked awesome.

I wore a black dirndle knee length knit skirt, along with a figure enhancing V-neck blouse. I wore black seemed stockings and the most wonderful shoes. They were pumps. The body of the shoe was black patent leather, the 3 inch heels were RED patent, and the teeny 1/2 inch platform of the ball and toes of the shoe were leopard printed cowhide!
They were the statement piece of the outfit. Fun, sexy, but subtle. I felt very sexy last night, and it really felt wonderful.

The outfit was a 180.

Looking back, I wished I had handled the chair scenario with my oldest better, but I froze. Part of me was irritated at her nastiness, and the other part of me wanted to apologize. Because of the way she barked, I cringed and froze.

I wish now, I could have validated her, and just affirmed she was loved and welcome. This will be something that needs to be addressed and worked on.

I'm hoping H. took some good memories with him while driving back. He seemed to be in his head a lot. Who knows?

I did not bring up anything about Christmas, except perhaps what the main course would be...venison!

I'm laying low for five days and then will contact for how we will budget and whether he will automatic deposit into the new checking acct. I opened.

Any feedback will be appreciated, and welcome.

[job]

Ambivalent,
Overall all, it sounds like it was a fairly nice family gathering for Thanksgiving.

Why in the world would you apologize to your oldest daughter? She's the one that was disrespectful to you, the family and your guest and she needs to apologize to all of your for her spoiled rotten outburst, or should I say temper tantrum. She was very selfish and rude and no matte what type of personality she has, it's no excuse for being rude. The right thing was to allow her to go upstairs and sulk about it and when she found out that people where not running up there to make her feel better, she came downstairs once again.

Your daughter is going to have a difficult time in the workforce if she doesn't get herself together and grow up and accept that the world does not revolve around her. From what you've posted, she sounds like she spoiled a bit and wants her way...not good and she's going to have issues w/relationships, both in the workforce and in her personal life if she doesn't change her ways. I'm sorry if I am being a bit harsh about your daughter, but she's got a serious issue w/respect.

I'm sure your h has some good memories to take w/him and I'm sure he will enjoy the leftovers.

Today is a new day and enjoy life as you know it. One holiday down and another one in 4 weeks. You can do this. I know you can.

[Ambivalent]

Job,

You ARE correct. She is everything you mentioned.

Let me see if I can be brief here. I worked my ass off with this child. I stopped and allowed my H. to be the bad guy from her Junior year on. Rather than teaching her that her behavior was and still is self-centered, he enabled or even engaged (yelling at her)with her.

To this day, he still enables her behavior.

I felt trapped at that exact moment, because she is also brilliant as well as manipulative. She knows he will take her side and defend her. So you see, I did not want to engage, for fear of causing a bad memory and him thinking " more of the same ".

Perhaps next time , rather than addressing her oblivious behavior in front of everyone, I'll just ignore it and walk away.

Last night the only thing I could think of was to keep my mouth shut. By ignoring her and allowing her to " time herself out ", I believe it was the best for the extremely volatile situation.

She is also 7 years socio-emotionally immature. She has a ton of issues, OCD, depression, morbidly obese by at least 100 lbs.

She was one of the reasons I was always exhausted in our marriage. She sucked the life out of me, and then my other D. had a physical health issue and an anxiety/depression issue.

It made having a sexual relationship with my H. or actually any romantic relationship , VERY difficult.

When one deals with this narcissistic and manipulative behavior, it is a challenge. She is almost 27 and she is an adult.

I have let go, but my H. still chooses to bail her out and not address her socio/emotional skills.

At present, I am not touching it with a ten foot pole. IF and this is a big IF , we reconcile...that will have to be something we become more of a team on.

Right now it could be a real issue that would create more of a wedge.

My daughter is very aware of this between us, and I will NOT engage her about this nor give her ANY power to come between us.

I did discuss this with my younger daughter, and her perception was just as yours. I do have to tread carefully, for I do not want to come between them either. Three females is a very very difficult dynamic. Add that one is the mom, and you get a challenge in and of itself. Throw in all their issues?

Can you say " RUN, run awaaaaaaay ! " ?

I'm still feeling anxious about the scene, last night. This is where I believe I need to really work on myself.

I try to create a less stressful environment so my anxieties don't control me.

S-ingTTFU, was a 180 for me last night. It was the first step in what I believe I need to do, for the relationship between us, and improving dynamics in my R. with my H.

He does see her behavior better now, but how he does not deal with it is something that needs to be improved upon.

Thank you for your support. I could be on another BB just for the relationship between my daughter and the family!

Funny, that you said one down, for that was going to be MY closing!

I am getting a wee bit stronger, and I believe I can do this as well. Albeit, with the exams and job pressure, I am feeling the same amount of stress I felt when my oldest was younger and at home.

If my eye starts to twitch, I'll go back to the doctor. (:-o

I hope your day was pleasant yesterday. I know you vets here do not get paid. You give a great deal of your time to people you don't know. I want YOU to know you are appreciated.

This is a time consuming volunteer job. It is a gift that this one person appreciates and values.

Thank you <3

[Ambivalent]

Well I was going to hold out until tomorrow to contact H. But the fuel for the heat has been depleted. So since I'm freezing I figured I'd combine it with a budgeting opportunity as well.

Drafted this:

Howdy,


I would like to discuss a Christmas budget, for the girls and everyone else. I have some catalogs for baskets and thought it would be an idea to go through them together to choose. Another possibility, we can choose a basket idea from a catalog, and I can put it together by using T.J. Maxx and Costco. We may save some funds this way. By doing this a bit earlier, I believe we can save on postage too ! Since our niece and nephew are still kids, we should consider individual gifts for them. I know Emily was always good about that with our girls.

Perhaps you have some ideas as well?

Also, the fuel for the heat has been depleted. I have kept the settings that you originally set . The last three days I've been using the electric heaters.


Please consider a couple of options as to when it is a good time to do the budget and gift ideas.


Thanks!


This is a huge 180 for me. First I always did this by myself. Second, never a budget.
Third, asking him for ideas and input , while doing it together , never happened or even occurred to me.

So is this one 180 or three 180's ?

[Whiterose]

So happy that you're able to make these changes Ambiv....you're doing great!! Your message was clear and to the point with an action needed ending. Now, if he doesn't respond, you can say you did it and do what you need.

Kids are hard. Whether they're 2 or 22.....you want to do what's best while allowing them to learn the hard lessons. I think implementing the DBing techniques with her will allow you to create change and her to do some much needed growth. I had another argument with S19 yesterday morning. He went so far to say that Im worse than his boss with nothing of benefit coming from me....that was awful. I walked away. I then went to his work to buy a new microwave, mine went belly up, and he asked "what's wrong?" and I said point blank that what he said was very hurtful and that it was wrong. Left it at that. Then last night he was mentioning he wouldn't tell his dad how he felt because he needs a dad. I said well, you have no problem in telling me. He said "you won't go anywhere" I said you can't use that as an excuse. I'm working my ass off to make a go of it and you have no problem in throwing me under the bus so if you have something to say to your dad you can tell him! I'm tired of getting S19's anger towards his dad directed at me.

Keep it up Ambiv:)

[Ambivalent]

Thanks Whiterose,

I'm dancing as fast as I can. Yeah, my oldest has so many issues, and I do find it very difficult to interact with her. At least now, she is not under the same roof. I love her but am detached.

There really are times I don't think of her at all. I wonder if this is normal for a mother, or if all the drama and trauma she has caused has just worn me out.

I getting there on detachment with H. Not quite to the not thinking about him point, though. I believe if I get there, there really will be no turning back for me. I can recall having these feelings with old bf's of mine. To this day, I would NEVER consider having them in my life.

Scary thought to spend a lifetime with someone, then feel nothing.

Thanks for the support, I am trying to be more brief in my communications.

I figured today was better, because he may be hanging around and watching the game. I could be wrong, but at least I'm not interrupting his work day.

Your are spot on about if he doesn't respond...I'll just go ahead and do what I've always done. I don't want the rest of the family wondering about us or being dumped because he is having issues.

They all were victims of their father's disappearance. It was hard on them and I don't want to put them in the middle of something that could trigger their trauma as children.

I want to be bigger than that. I want to show myself and my daughters that family is something that isn't thrown away. I want to keep on good terms, for one day my daughter (s) may get married. I don't want hostile feelings or to have an environment where everyone is uncomfortable.

I guess I'll give it a five day period and then proceed . I really want things to arrive on time, and I want not to have added stress of postal issues.

Busting on my friend, busting on!

Going to the gymn.

One day at a time, one moment in time.

[Whiterose]

one foot in front of the other, right?

I find myself having more and more moments of forgetting H, it's scary, and liberating all at the same time. Then, I fall back and cry and cry and cry.....

H is messaging me more. Always him to initiate, I don't initiate anything, and he's now up to quite a few a week (from absolutely nothing) Thrown me into a bit of a tail spin as it was easier to detach when I heard nothing....I keep my answers point on and only to what he's saying. I try to allow him to be the last message....most of the time I feel like I'm too old for this Sh!t....I HATE these games!! uggg

You're off to the gym and I'm off to my sister's to make gnocchi Sun is shining here today, after three straight days of rain!, so I'm feeling a little "up" Have a really awesome day Ambiv:)

[tigerlily78]

I liked your email about the Christmas decisions Ambi. I may have to borrow from it if my H doesn't follow up on his initial mention of Christmas shopping.

He and I used to be the sort that got most of our shopping done online and before Thanksgiving... this year I don't have the luxury of doing the shopping without him even if I wanted to. Also bracing myself for the possibility that he is NOT going to want to budget any money for me to spend on my siblings and parents and I am going to have to explain to them why I have no money to spend on them this year.

[Ambivalent]

Hey Tiger,

If you guys are budgeting for your children and his family of origin, then your family of origin should be included. If you were the one doing all the shopping prior to, go ahead and act " as if "... you are doing it again. OR , do a 180.

Just a thought...