NEW LIFE / NEW ME - AIRBORNE II

[melissag]

Hi F, I have been reading your threads for a bit but thought I'd just say hi so as not to be a creepy lurker.

It sounds like you are doing great (and getting results!), and I can empathize with so much that you are going through.

I think it went well and no awkward feelings at all but I am thinking about if I should ask her something about her life.

I find this a little tricky myself. I do not ask H anything about his life (as in, what are you doing, where were you last night, etc.) unless (a) he brought it up to me before; or (b) it's something very light and has no effect on me whatsoever. On the other hand, I also don't want to sit around and yammer about myself, so that doesn't leave a whole lot left to discuss.

So what I have been doing: talk about the kids. Talk about external events - so, sports, or a TV show, or a cartoon I saw. Or a funny story about a friend, for example. I will also tell him a funny story about something I saw, or did, or that happened to me. Then I follow his lead. He will usually start talking about all kinds of stuff, and then I can too. If he doesn't, I don't either. I think this is a place where you have to test and check . . . try little things and see what happens. Maybe your W wants to talk more but is waiting for an opening.

I agree with the 37 rules and DBing principles, but I think we do have to remember that our WASs are human and have feelings, too. I don't think they are necessarily 100% confident in navigating all of this stuff, or know what they are supposed to do, or how to act, or even how we are going to react to certain things. So I do think that there is some tweaking to be done. I do a lot of small test & checks, and it really helps me to figure out where things are and how to act in each situation. If you do small things, I think you can easily back off without too much harm if she doesn't respond positively.

So, vets might jump on me for this, but I do think that you need to (in very small and calculated ways) push things a little and see what happens. I mean, you can't follow the 37 rules forever, or your W will eventually think you have lost interest. JMO.

Glad things have been going so well - hopefully it will continue!