Can see sun with head out of sand - 2.5yr

[adinva]

Thanksgiving was nice. I dropped a plan I had to take a free yoga class with my sister, in order to take the kids to MILS to see their dad for a few hours. I caught myself pitying myself for not being able to do what I wanted to do, but when I examined my priorities I decided that was what I did want to do, and I let go of the yoga class, just like earlier I let go of the 5K race I had decided I didn't have the money to afford.

So we got to MIL's and my role there immediately became companion to MIL, which is like normal. She likes to show me things she's working on or areas she's organized. I usually give her lots of positive feedback and show an interest, and she likes that. So I helped her in the kitchen and served drinks and examined all her projects and generally tried to give her lots of attention. H did not get off the couch when we arrived, and he remained there except while eating. He was mostly on his phone and for a while took a nap.

While awake he was generally kind of obnoxious. For example, in the football game on tv someone took a hit and he said in his outdoor voice "well THAT's gonna be a concussion - HA!!!!" He was just being kind of a loud jerk. I spoke to him when he spoke to me, and when I thought he was being obnoxious I just let it go and didn't laugh or encourage or correct him. He was just kind of there. The kids sat on chairs near the couch and watched the Thanksgiving parade or the football game, and seemed pretty bored. S13 got bored enough to help with one of MIL's projects, putting stickers on cards for a Christmas goodie for people in nursing homes. MIL really likes when people pitch in on that; I did a few too.

MIL was in rare form. I think I just see her with different eyes now. I was leaning on the counter while she washed dishes so I said, "I feel lazy, let me dry," and went for a towel. She said no that's ok. So I said "oh, are you sure?" and got a lecture about how insulted she feels whenever anyone says that. They are acting like she doesn't know what she wants. They are questioning her decision. If she wasn't sure she wouldn't have said it, on and on and on. I said "Well I didn't mean to offend, I meant it more like, last chance! you can change your mind and get free labor!" but she was not amused, and said, well it did offend. okaaaaayyyyyy......

Then another example, I was mentioning her grandson my nephew, who recently told me he's in love and he and his girlfriend plan to marry as soon as they can get a wedding organized. MIL said I met her and I said "oh, you MET her?" and got a lecture about not listening. She said "Let me start over. I MET her." ohboy. MIL said, I met her and thought she was immature. She kept laughing, and I thought that was immature. I could tell it was out of nervousness, but I didn't like it. So when she laughed about something that didn't seem like an appropriate time to laugh I asked her WAS THAT FUNNY?" ohboy, poor girl.

Just makes me realize more how damaging it must have been to grow up with that. She says these things in her cute little sweet Asian grandma way and under the nice tone of voice, there is such judgment and spite.

When it was time for us to go on to my parents' the kids were about bolting down the hallway, and I did something I've done in the past as their mom, to say hey, don't we have hugs for grandma? I mean, at 13 and 15 if they can escape a hug they will, but their grandma's not going to be around forever and deserves a proper goodbye. S13 had hugged her on the way in and said "only one hug per grandma per day." So he refused. S15 gave her a nice hug goodbye. I gave her a hug goodbye. You could probably argue that I shouldn't force the kids to show affection for their relatives, and I could see validity in that, but teens are squirrely and reticent, and a little push might be welcome encouragement. At their age I was really weird about hugs and longed for it to be normal and natural, and I loved it when people were just free and easy with their emotions toward me even though I had a hard time coming forward with my own. I know my kids are not a repeat of me, but based on my history, I think nudging in that area doesn't hurt. I think it bugs MIL that they don't think of it and do it themselves. Oh well, whatever. I do the best I can. I don't recall H saying bye to any of us. H's brother came after we had eaten, so we visited with him a little too. It was all fine. Oh also H asked S15 to drive him over to Starbucks, which was nice, although Starbucks ended up being closed, S15 got some attention from MIL and his uncle for being so grownup to be driving.

H offered to pick up coffee for people so I asked for my usual tall soy misto, extra hot. H said "They hate it when you ask for extra hot. That's annoying." I didn't answer that, it was fine, whatever. I just really don't think the Starbucks people hate that, and when I'm paying for my expensive coffee there they usually seem fine with making it how I want it.

So we headed over to my parents' where my brother and SIL and sister were already, and had delicious turkey and wine and laughter.

My poor kids got to be bored twice, but that's the holidays! It's character building.