Moving My Picnic Blanket Over Here

[bustingout]

I've been trying to think about this slow shift in H being nicer to me. In august for the first time I set some stick boundaries about when he is around in town and at he house. I wonder if that is when the change started. I don't know.
The past few days he has still been nice... Planning Xmas and even said he will try and fly with us when we leave to meet his family ( he has not flown with us for more than 2 years). We meet his sister and brother and families every Xmas ( bot his parents have passed). I suggested taking the kids to an event while we are abroad and he said yes ( I would have done it with out him anyway).

So I get confused what to think. I guess I shouldn't do anything. The other day I got home from work and found him here with his cousin ( whom I love) and they we're have a few colds ones. I said hi etc and asked how they were and H was like 'I have been here all afternoon doing this' and points to his can on the table. I thought ok weird.

Anyway I joined them for a bit and H was so normal. We were all three just talking for like a good two hours. Then h said something like 'sometimes I think it would be easier if I could just have several wives and children ( and then looks at me laughing) so you agree to that?' He cousin was like 'yeah right that's all you need H... busting- he would come running back to you in a second' ( all laughs etc... None of us subscribe to polygamy..despite where we live)

Anyway all I thought was 'he is really confused and is convinced his unhappiness is something that can be fixed from an external source' I don't know why I thought that but I did.

Anyway- conversation continued -- subjects changed- laughs continued.

I still see H in a place very far away from me.

Please just remind me to continue observing and STFU. Please. .. I can be my own worst enemy. And. I am getting nervous about Xmas.

Last night after the kids left H went to the kitchen and sat to do something on sons laptop. I excused myself to go to bed. It's a first for me... Usually I wait until he leaves.

Today he came over and I was feeling a little funky... A little lonely and wow is me so I left him and the kids and went to read. Then I thought to myself what a waste of precious family time. I can go downstairs and get a family activity together instead of wallowing about all of this. Enjoy what I have today. Make some memories for the kids hopefully. So I went and started a game of pictionary with them all ( me and D won! ) and it was a fun hour together. I am glad I did it. That's the kind of mother I want to be. The kind of person I want to be... Appreciating the now.