Moving My Picnic Blanket Over Here

[BrightFuture]

Just goes to show how not talking, mind reading and assumptions can break things... All of which I was very guilty of in the past.

Me too. Looks like you both discovered something you didn’t know about each other.

I know what you are talking about being nervous with his niceness. I found myself thrown off the balance when H did something nice after being silent and rude. I would almost prefer that he would not do that, because I was starting to feel better in my own life. Just keep your eyes open and observe.

I wasn't looking for his validation at all.

And this is when we get it when we don’t expect it.

[bustingout]

I've been trying to think about this slow shift in H being nicer to me. In august for the first time I set some stick boundaries about when he is around in town and at he house. I wonder if that is when the change started. I don't know.
The past few days he has still been nice... Planning Xmas and even said he will try and fly with us when we leave to meet his family ( he has not flown with us for more than 2 years). We meet his sister and brother and families every Xmas ( bot his parents have passed). I suggested taking the kids to an event while we are abroad and he said yes ( I would have done it with out him anyway).

So I get confused what to think. I guess I shouldn't do anything. The other day I got home from work and found him here with his cousin ( whom I love) and they we're have a few colds ones. I said hi etc and asked how they were and H was like 'I have been here all afternoon doing this' and points to his can on the table. I thought ok weird.

Anyway I joined them for a bit and H was so normal. We were all three just talking for like a good two hours. Then h said something like 'sometimes I think it would be easier if I could just have several wives and children ( and then looks at me laughing) so you agree to that?' He cousin was like 'yeah right that's all you need H... busting- he would come running back to you in a second' ( all laughs etc... None of us subscribe to polygamy..despite where we live)

Anyway all I thought was 'he is really confused and is convinced his unhappiness is something that can be fixed from an external source' I don't know why I thought that but I did.

Anyway- conversation continued -- subjects changed- laughs continued.

I still see H in a place very far away from me.

Please just remind me to continue observing and STFU. Please. .. I can be my own worst enemy. And. I am getting nervous about Xmas.

Last night after the kids left H went to the kitchen and sat to do something on sons laptop. I excused myself to go to bed. It's a first for me... Usually I wait until he leaves.

Today he came over and I was feeling a little funky... A little lonely and wow is me so I left him and the kids and went to read. Then I thought to myself what a waste of precious family time. I can go downstairs and get a family activity together instead of wallowing about all of this. Enjoy what I have today. Make some memories for the kids hopefully. So I went and started a game of pictionary with them all ( me and D won! ) and it was a fun hour together. I am glad I did it. That's the kind of mother I want to be. The kind of person I want to be... Appreciating the now.

[bustingout]

Last night I went to a charity dinner with my good friends. It's held every year and before BD H also came as we were al couples. Past three years he hasn't come. The friends I go with include his old best buddy and wife.

H came last night ...

So he decided to go after we bought our tickets already so he bought a ticket at separate table - he knew some of the people but they were not his good friends. A seat opened up on our table so his best buddy told him to sit with us. He said it's ok I have a seat.

So last night he was over and left to go get ready. I wen wit my friend and her husband. When we got there coincidently H was at the door waiting for his ticket. So we said hi and we were waiting for his bat buddy to park the car. H get his ticket and went in my friend was shocked..'why wouldn't he wait with us and walk in together? It's so rude, selfish, mean etc'

I shrugged and said is probably hard for him to come I the first place... Th majority of people there know what he has done and will he judging him.

Anyway, we went in and sat and best buddy told h again to come sit with us. He stood around for awhile around our table and then went back to his table.

I am pleased to say that I was strangely not surprised or bothered by his presence. I thought I might have been because I was a bit anxious of being in the same place with him as a separated couple. I had a pretty darn good time.

H didn't stay long... He didn't look like he was having a lot of fun. I do think it must have been hard to walk in there in the first place. I kind felt empathetic for him ( my friend was flabbergasted at how rude she thought he was... She said 'it's like he is making a point of showing everyone how done he is with you!')

I suppose it could be perceived that way. Maybe he was.

Today when came over I decided to take the mind approach and asked if he had fun ( not really) so I just said ' there is always room on the table for you- your friends miss you' and he said ' I know, I miss them too'.

I am curious- when he left last night he also didn't say bye to me although he said bye to the friends at the table. He is much nicer to me in the house than in public!

I danced, I drank, I was dressed up and I laughed. A good night overall!

[willbwell]

Good for you busting!
I too had a recent event alike that . I felt sorry for h. he is the ones missing out and I do think h struggles with that.

We can go and enjoy and have a good time. We know the love and appreciation of friends! sad for h that he doesn't feel that inner joy, or that it is not enough to sustain him.

Continue to let that joy and laughter shine thru!
Glad you had fun

[JuneReN]

Last night I went to a charity dinner with my good friends. It's held every year and before BD H also came as we were al couples. Past three years he hasn't come. The friends I go with include his old best buddy and wife.

H came last night ...

So he decided to go after we bought our tickets already so he bought a ticket at separate table - he knew some of the people but they were not his good friends. A seat opened up on our table so his best buddy told him to sit with us. He said it's ok I have a seat.

So last night he was over and left to go get ready. I wen wit my friend and her husband. When we got there coincidently H was at the door waiting for his ticket. So we said hi and we were waiting for his bat buddy to park the car. H get his ticket and went in my friend was shocked..'why wouldn't he wait with us and walk in together? It's so rude, selfish, mean etc'

I shrugged and said is probably hard for him to come I the first place... Th majority of people there know what he has done and will he judging him.

Anyway, we went in and sat and best buddy told h again to come sit with us. He stood around for awhile around our table and then went back to his table.

I am pleased to say that I was strangely not surprised or bothered by his presence. I thought I might have been because I was a bit anxious of being in the same place with him as a separated couple. I had a pretty darn good time.

H didn't stay long... He didn't look like he was having a lot of fun. I do think it must have been hard to walk in there in the first place. I kind felt empathetic for him ( my friend was flabbergasted at how rude she thought he was... She said 'it's like he is making a point of showing everyone how done he is with you!')

I suppose it could be perceived that way. Maybe he was.

Today when came over I decided to take the mind approach and asked if he had fun ( not really) so I just said ' there is always room on the table for you- your friends miss you' and he said ' I know, I miss them too'.

I am curious- when he left last night he also didn't say bye to me although he said bye to the friends at the table. He is much nicer to me in the house than in public!

I danced, I drank, I was dressed up and I laughed. A good night overall!

Busting, I am too lazy on the iPad to quote just what I want, so sorry.

But maybe I can offer a little insight. While h and I are in a slightly different place, he is also different in public and private. We are dating, but it would not seem that way to anyone who saw us in public.

It's almost as if it is one little step at a time and you can't go too fast. So while he is nicer to you at home and with close family, he is not ready for anyone else to see that and possibly misconstrue that he cares at all.

It's like they still need to be in charge of their choices, even if they are not ones we or anyone else agrees with.

I also believe that it is hard for him to go. At the beginning last year, my Hs organization that he does volunteer stuff with has a lot of our now good friends. They mostly were very uncomfortable around h and h felt they were judging him ( they were).

I made a point of being " really good" with H, talking etc. and eventually everyone started to come around. I felt this was instrumental if he were ever to consider being back in my life. That our friends were good with him. So I kept the path smooth as it were.

As for Christmas? Even if h says he will fly, only make plans for you guys. You know how this works, right? Pleasant surprise if he does, business as usual if he doesn't

[LoisB]

Busting,

I'm so incredibly impressed by your evening! Whoa. You had a nice time and were able to detach in the midst of a whole bunch of people and your H. That's so awesome.

I'm glad you had a great time on top of it and didn't take it personally.

He sounds a bit like Charlie Brown, moping around the party--lurking. I can hear the Charlie Brown theme song as I read it.

Love to you,

Heather

[bustingout]

Willbewell thank you for your post! Yes I did feel bad for H - it helped me to see how much this was not about me as well.

Kate I sensed that too- that in public he acts different and with a MLC mindset it almost seems normal to me.

Heather thank you for your comments. Yes he did kind of pull a Charlie Brown I suppose!

I do have something to ask everyone's opinion on. Today In the aftermath of last night my two best friends were both 'shocked' at how 'cruel' h was towards me last night. I didn't see it as cruel nor was I shocked. I saw it as typical MLC behaviour and not personal to me. They said 'he might as well had hung a banner over his table saying I am not sitting with my friends because my wife is there'

I thought to myself yes he is probably didn't sit with us because of me but that's his own issues. He can't seem to be ok with me in public. This was the first time we have ever been in public together ( not kids related) so in my head it was a significant step in and of itself. It made me wonder if I was seeing everything in MLC eyes and deluding myself.

Another example... We have a boat (bought right after BD - go figure!) anyway I don't drive it but when h is in town we go out on it with the kids. I have always wanted to go out on it at night wit friends. This of course was not possible as he basically comandeered it over the past two years and would never take me out at night on it.

The other day we were chatting and the boat came up and I said i want to go out on it at night once before you go, can tell so and so to come. And he said yes. I thought this was a positive thing. My friend was outraged. She said that she thought it was gross to go on the boat so silly since OW had probably been on it and that even though h said yes it should be him asking me to go.

Did I pursue? I didn't ask him as a date Or to pursue. I said I wanted to and that's it. And I made sure it was with other friends because honestly I don't want to be alone with him right now.

I didn't think of ow being on it because A. I have already dealt with that in m head and moved forwRd from it... She really is not going to prevent me from my own life and my boat! And B. I never thought to wait for him to ask me because he is clearly not in that place.. Nor am I.

Maybe I was caught up in the few plaice steps and the niceness of late? I am not going on the boat. I decided it's best to not be too eager ... I made an excuse that my friend is not in th mood to go out so we are staying in and hope he enjoys a boys night instead. and I still don't trust him anyway. He could still just be beig nice so he can have a happy D with me.

Am I so caught up in MLC thought that I am now not seeing things? Am I giving him too much understanding?

It seems normal to me given all that I have learned. Bu to people outside this sitch - I seem abnormal in my thinking

[bustingout]

On another note- I was rewarding Shrek 4 with the kids today... Anyone see it..? I was watching and thought oh my gosh! Shrek is having a MLC in this movie! Lol

[bustingout]

Oh and Kate, yes re: tickets. Me and the kids are booked. Up to him if he joins or not. Business as usual...

[2chiquitos]

B- I am so happy for you. Regardless of Hs MLC you are doing great! How can I tell? Because you're not personalizing his behavior! Good for you!

Listen, you're friends don't know anything about MLC nor do they see you as a separated couple. If they did they would understand you are not with him so he doesn't have to sit with you. Regardless, it's great how you handled it! I agree with you that I also felt uncomfortable with my H around and was glad he wasn't present sometimes or would stay away from me when we were at his family functions. Before reconciling I was so comfortable with the sitch that I kinda wished he wasn't always THERE. KWIM?

And the whole boat thing. You are doing awesome. I attach things and places to OW. My H loves going to Mazatlan (mexico beach) to travel and took OW there. I told him I have no interest in going and really don't know if I ever will. However, you're doing great! Keep it up and I understand you're friends mean well but sometimes they have to get out of your head.

HUGS!!!