Accuray, I have a question regarding those books you recommended. The reviews suggest that if you fit the traditional mold where the husband is the one up, the distancer, then the solo partner is the better read.

If its a non traditional situation where you are the husband who is one down, and a pursuer then the pasion trap is better.

I'm confused because I dont know which role I played. My wife started off wanting us to be more experimental with our sex life. And she wanted us to go check out adult film stores for lotions and toys etc. I wasn't too comfortable with this and as time progressed and her asking turned into nagging and pressuring and then belittling me, then attacking me for our financial diffuculties and suggsting I was failing to provide, I began to withdraw.

So I see that I have played both roles over the course of our relationship at different times. Do I go with the role I played at the very beginning when I was a confident man, or right before BD where I had been pumelled by her for a while and was one down? Its confusing...

Which book should i read first? I'm tempted to go with solo partner simply because it offers solutions.

Also, what's your opinion of trying to correct the power dynamic while a spouse is active in an A and is distancing? Is this better left for if she ever wants to reconcille?

So much of DB is acting as if, and not challenging the WAS on their perception of reality. So what do you do with fitness tests right now? I mean that is how the power is corrcted but is that pushing the WAS away?

My gut tells me I need more respect. Not just for my wife to feel attaction but also for my own self esteem. Is now a bad time for that?

Me, H-34 now 38
W-32 now 35
T-13 now 18 years
M-6 now 9
Daughter 3 years now 7
Bomb 11/27/12 - OM
1 year in house separation
Reconciliation 12/2013. Healed now 2017