Had a wonderful night with S and friends. Went to our city's nighttime holiday parade...snow and everything! S enjoyed every second of it....me too! H was a parttime job for a 4 he shift .
When we got home, I texted him that the roads were slick and to be careful. At about 10, he called me and let me know he was on his way home and thatbthe roads were still nasty. He said, "I called your cell. Were you sleeping?" I just said that I had my volume down and was dozing. Then he called the house.
That's great you and S enjoyed the festivities last night.
In reference to your previous post w/ H asking you to breakfast after S asked if you were coming as well....that's a time you can practice acting "as if"....even though you assumed you H was maybe on the fence about you coming, instead of going with that assumption and saying you are unsure, "act as if" you are happy to come along and make it a great time and most likely you H who may or may not have been on the fence will be happy you wanted to join in. In those moments you can choose to stay back if you really want to as well, but be confident in giving your decision.
me: 30 H:30 tgthr:7 m:4 no kids 5 counseling sessions initiated by H as a LR: Oct 2012 long distance marriage b/c of work since Nov 2012 official BD: July 2013 nothing filed 1/1/14 I dropped the rope
Thanks Mimi...I have to definitely need to work on acting "as if." I was doing so well before September. In fact H actually commented how I act.like nothing was wrong and never talked about R. He didn't like that at all!
On youtube Michelle gives an example of "acting as if": She went on a trip and had a great time. Her H stayed home and had to deal w/ the kids and work. She talked to him by phone and he sounded stressed so she didn't want to rub her great vacation in his face when he picked her up from the airport. So she decided maybe it was best to not act excited when he picked her up. Then she realized if she didn't act excited he may misinterpret her non-excitement as maybe she's not happy to see him even though she was... So her final decision was to "act as if" she was happy (and she was) to see him and let him know how great her trip was. His response to her happy attitude was being happy too....where as if she had been more somber out of fear he'd resent her for vacationing....his reaction probably wouldbt have been happy.
As far as your H not liking your acting like everything is normal....Its probably not very DB of me to say, but I think we all need to find a balance between "the rules" and real life. Acting completely solid a rock with hearts that aren't affected doesnt work for all situations....we are human. Yes we have to be strong and react positively.....but for everyone, that doesn't mean act as if everything is normal and nothing you WAS does affects you..... i think it means learn to respond instead of react.
So for example, if your spouse says or does something hurtful, don't smile and take it for the sake of DBing, but also dont break down and cry, nag or give them more of the same......instead say "boy that was hurtful"....then move on about your day. It lets your spouse know what they are doing isn't....but you also show your changes at the same time.
Sorry if I went off on a tangent...hope some of what I said makes sense and applies to your sitch. lol
me: 30 H:30 tgthr:7 m:4 no kids 5 counseling sessions initiated by H as a LR: Oct 2012 long distance marriage b/c of work since Nov 2012 official BD: July 2013 nothing filed 1/1/14 I dropped the rope
I remember that scenerio with michele. I believe it is DB or DR. Thank you so much for the reminder.
I am trying everything I can to GAL, PMA, "act as if", but I guess I want a "guarentee" that I cannot have. I am going to reread DR tonight and re-evaluate my goal setting.
Happy Thanksgiving everyone. I hope everyone was able to be thankful for what they have...I know how hard it is.
My parents came over for dinner today with H, S and I. S and his grandparents get along great...I am so grateful for them. They are a constant for S in this crazy mess.
H was in a "mood"...Barely spoke to me, cool to my parents. He did perk up after a shower, but was about a friendly as a cactus. My parents do not that he mention S/D. I tried to "act as.if" the entire day. I am sure it was hard for H to pretend ....and he did a terrible job of it.
His mom called up from NJ and spoke to my parents on the phone. They always got along and included my folks in holidays in NJ. It was so hard to hear them talking about past Thanksgivings and "maybe we can all get together soon." AUGH!!
Happy thanksgiving....I am glad you werenable to some what enjoy it and that your parents were there. Hope the rest of the evening goes well for you.
me: 30 H:30 tgthr:7 m:4 no kids 5 counseling sessions initiated by H as a LR: Oct 2012 long distance marriage b/c of work since Nov 2012 official BD: July 2013 nothing filed 1/1/14 I dropped the rope
Well, it continues. This roller-coaster ride of the WAS/LBS is something i NEVER thought would happen to US. Never in a million years. : (
On Black Friday, H worked from 3am-3pm at his part-time retail job in the mall. This was actually the job he had full-time when we met. last year, he went back to make some extra $$...talk about going back in time!
Anyway, since he was ay work and I was able to work 8 hrs OT, i had no reason/ability to contact him during the day..thank God. After work, i had hoped he would text or call me, but he didn't, so I picked up S from my parents and ran a few errands. H generally calls S in the car to chat or be silly, so I figured he was sleeping after his long shift. I went back and forth about calling him about dinner, but I felt pulled in so may directions...DB or unconditional love (Fireproof).
Silently, I prayed on it and chose to call the house number and let it ring. I hung up before the machine picked up. Took S to dinner, had a wonderful time and get a sandwich to bring home to H. When we got home, I never mentioned calling and not even the wrap; S just put the bag on the coffee table and played with H.
A little while later, i thought "Why am I staying in?" So , I told S I was going to the mall for a bit, but would be home to put him to bed and read him a story. When I went downstairs, I said to h, "I'll be back in a bit."
H,"Where are YOU going?" A bit nasty, but very curious.
Me, "Just running to the mall. I'll be back in an hour." and i left. He definitely did not expect/like me running out like that. And my eyebrows look great!! LOL **SIDE NOTE--When H and I met, i was 29, working full-time, lots of friends, loved to go out and very independent...he was more reserved, not a drinker, only had a few work friends and family lived 2.5 hrs way..opposites attract!
When I got home, H and S were cuddled up on the couch. I put S to bed and read to him. When I came downstairs, I noticed the sandwich had been eaten, but nothing was said by either of us (No more questions--"how was your dinner?"). That is par for the course...I make, bring something home, buy a fav. item and no "thank you." I am OK with it..not that it is a "gift," but usually something like having a fav snack or something in the house.
i went upstairs to watch TV and read. About an hour later, H comes up, gets ready for bed and starts to go downstairs. As he does, he turns and somewhat flatly says,"thanks for the wrap." WHAT!?! I just say nicely, "Oh, you're welcome." THE END
Today, he was cool and distant again. Working 50 hours at insurance job, plus retail hours of 20-25 this week is NOT helping the situation and it is beginning to show in S. He is teary and fighting for his dad's attention. When/if H comes out of this fog, he will hate himself for what he is doing to S!
Sounds like you are handling things well Kiki. Keep up the PMA and feeling good about your self no matter your H's attitude!
me: 30 H:30 tgthr:7 m:4 no kids 5 counseling sessions initiated by H as a LR: Oct 2012 long distance marriage b/c of work since Nov 2012 official BD: July 2013 nothing filed 1/1/14 I dropped the rope
Mimi, I wish I was. I am a basket case. I look at.even the smallest conversation, or interaction as.a positive step. Like H asking where Iwas going....if he is curious, he notices me.
Last Monday is snowed here...H went out to brush off his cat...S went out too and started.mine...H joined him. If he wants out...S or D...why would he do that!?!?
