Oh, he expected you to jump thru hoops and definitely roll out the red carpet. In his foggy little mind, he expects you to be right where he left you and you should be jumping for joy, falling all over yourself because he's finally contacted....he's still wanting you to build him up and make him feel great.
The missing ingredient that I could not quite put my finger on. I did not expect apologies or grovelling. But I guess I did expect some hesitation. But it did seem to me that he expected me to be so grateful that after eight months, he decided to call me ONCE. And that his work was done. I note that he invited me to call him anytime, if I wanted but did not ask me if it was OK for him to call me anymore. And as terrible as it may sound, I don't want to chase him, even if that is what he thinks he wants.
Maybe I am wrong but I feel if I don't allow him to sit and stare at the consequences of his actions, he will never figure it out. Maybe now that he is out of his relationship (and assuming he doesn't get into another one in a hurry) that he may begin to understand his choices and how they affected our relationship. Maybe...
Hi Amb, I will try my best to answer some of your questions:
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I have been reading the thread. Did I miss something? I saw that he said things did not work out. Could that not mean, he broke it off? Or, he couldn't give to the relationship, so he checked out and she pushed?
I find it strange that you would even consider yourself as a consolation prize, or that he automatically thinks of you in this manner.
I honestly don't care much who broke up with who. It is that when things were going well between them, I was a nothing to him - not even important enough for him to let me know that he moved and dropped his landline. But now that "the relationship did not work out", he is sniffing around me again. Why? I agree with job, because he thought I was right where he left me, devastated and trusting. He is dead wrong. I am not the fall back position nor am I going to play the game of being a fill in the time for him until he can find someone else unless his actions truly prove to me that I can trust him.
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I thought that since he was in replay that this is normal...He is reaching out, and it seems you are angry that he didn't do it sooner.
I'm confused, isn't this what we want? For the runner to feel as if he/she can come home? That we are here to help them and guide them to home?
I thought most MLC'ers don't apologize when peeking out from the tunnel. When he invited you to call, it seemed if he was testing the water. If it was too cold or if it may be warm enough to dip a toe.
Am I wrong here? Am I the only one who sees this?
An affair is a usual part of Replay. He may very well be reaching out. I am not discounting that. BUT just because he is in MLC and reaching out does not give him a easy pass, at least for me.
One of the things that drew me to this forum as opposed to the others, is that I could make the choice as to how I wanted to handle the demise of my relationship. Amb, I am NOT "standing". If there comes a point where he and I can be together, I am willing to let this play out but I am not closing myself off to others. Too much water under the bridge for me to just pretend these things did not happen. And truly, I do not believe a healthy relationship is one where these things are ignored.
I am not angry that he did not reach out sooner, I am very hurt that he did not bother to tell me that he moved and changed his phone number back in July. He only told me he moved when he moved a second time and not until October.
Am I here to guide him home? I think Bea described it best once when comparing it to the story of the prodigal son. If he makes concrete and actual steps to coming home, I am willing to listen. But coming home, for me, does not mean ignoring what has happened. Because a lot of sh*t has happened.
For me, his one phone call in eight months is not enough for ME to feel comfortable sitting with him. Besides, we are 1000 miles away from each other, so it isn't as easy as let's meet up for coffee.
The months of no contact(especially July) were spent with the OW. He admitted it. Was there depression? Maybe. But that is as much mind reading as anything else. In asking why he is calling, I may have been inviting a OR talk and I did not want that at all for my own sake.
Could I have been a little more welcoming, yes. But after all he has done, I did not yell, scream or cry, call him names and I was never rude. But no red carpet. I am not building up his ego again so that he can get high off the kibbles and ignore me for another several months.
Amb, I do understand what you are saying. All of us here have different lines and boundaries. They get stronger as time moves on. DB'ing is not to learn to be a doormat and allow any sort of behaviour. It is to build a better relationship.
In sitches where those of us are left behind for other people and abandoned so thoroughly, building that relationship - a good relationship - means a slow rebuild of trust. I am not asking him to grovel but nor can I pretend that his choices and actions were not destructive. Is that what you were saying?
In my heart, I do hope that he and I can heal this breach. He was once very special to me. I want to believe AJ's interpretation that he is trying to reconnect and that it means something because contacting after all that time was a difficult thing to do (I thanked him for reaching out). But I am a little thin on trust. Surely, if I am worth it, it won't be the last I hear from him. But if it is, well, nothing much has changed.
