Hi BG, sorry that you are in this tough situation. Glad to know you have been reading the boards - I know that posting will help you get some great advice just for your situation.
I noticed you said you were DBing on and off. As you have probably noticed, that doesn't really work. We are all human and will surely make mistakes here and there, but pressing your H for answers will almost surely send you right back to square one.
What have you been doing to DB? What are your 180s? What have you been doing to GAL?
I think it is pretty typical for a WAS to think that if he/she stays in the M, things will just end up being the same. My H has said that a few times himself. He doesn't want to ever feel the way he did at the time of BD. It was too awful for him. I do think it's a good sign that your H isn't completely closed to R. Look, you could tell him all day that things will be different, but that doesn't mean anything. You have to show him. But if you show him, and then you lose it and go back to your old ways, then he's not going to believe that the changes are real. (And he will probably be right.)
WAS always blame everything on the LBS. Don't worry about what he thinks or says. Look at yourself, your own actions, behaviors, and thoughts. What, if anything, do YOU want to change? Forget about blaming H or being defensive - this is about focusing on your part in things, and whether/how you need to change yourself to be the person YOU want to be.
Have you been doing to IC? If you can find a good one, it helps a lot.
As for tonight - think about what he is expecting you to act like. Do you want to act like that? I know you are hurting, but just push that aside for a few hours and be strong . . . do the best you can to have a good time, and shove those emotions aside. When you get home, then you can cry, punch pillows, whatever.
Keep posting and reading. You will get tons of support here.
And don't forget what you [i]are[/] grateful for.
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
