Wife says she wants to leave

[SM34]

I think AS and Acc have already touched on the gift thing. But I'd like to point it out again, in a different way.

She was telling you that she DID want you to make her birthday a bigger deal. You, as a man, interpreted that as meaning something more expensive becuse us men derive our worth a lot of times from what we provide.

But she is a woman. What she focuses on is how 'caring' and thoughtful your gift is, not its value.

Acc is right that if she is actively seeing someone else, your expensive gifts will do nothing but make her see you as a pathetic man who still doesn't understand her, and also thinks he can buy her happiness. Best bet now is to drop the gifting and look strong and confident without her.

One thing that ha had positive reactions in my sitch (my wife is actively seeing OM and has similar complaints to what you are hearing) is to not give gifts but to up the thoughtfulness.

Lets take christmas for example. If she is seeing someone, that man has no history with her and really barely knows her, despite both of them thinking they are soul mates (gag me). Lets say he goes out and spends a ton of money on jewelery or something valueable for her. She will say wow I wish husband made such a big deal about gifts for me. Even if its not a thoughtful gift, its significance and the contrast between his gifts and yoir in prior years will be played up by her in order to further convince her that you don't understand her.

Now, what if you drove across town and picked up her favorite milk shake from that place you used to go to together. It only cost you $3 but think of how she, as a woman, will perceive the gift. You hav demonstrated that you DO know her, infact better than OM ever will. This is how you use SHARED HISTORY to your advantage. Its not about money or gifts, to a woman it is about who UNDERSTANDS her and who doesn't.

My wife once spent $3 on a milk shake and $120 to overnight it packed in dry ice to her childhood best friend (girl) who had moved across the country. It was from the place they used to skip school to visit together. That, is how women think!!

Problem is that as AS pointed out, this is what she needed from you back when the relationship was good. So you have to balance your efforts now, with keeping your dignity....

So instead of getting the milk shake and saying 'I drove 30 miles to get this for you' which is what she would have loved to hear back then, you say 'my friends and I were at that ice cream place you like and I thought you might emjoy this milk shake. Its your favorite flavor'. Now it shows dignity, but thoughtfulness, and gives a reminder that only YOU know what her favorite flavor is.

Subtle, yet effective. Woman are emotional beings, and us men learn this way too late. Dont try to appeal to her logic.