Back....again.

[TrentC]

So I've refrained from R talk. I feel like I'm I goring my marriage? Last night we talked briefly and he mentioned a couple things be needs to do around the house. All while sounding and looking depressed. I feel like in ignoring his problems and issues. Is that the right thing to do?

I've been telling you the same thing, on and off again, for months: you cannot fix him. His problems are for him to deal with, and if he needs your help in doing so then he has to learn to ask for help from you.

Feel like I'm just waiting for hose awful words I've heard twice now...I'm leaving.

All over a fight about him going out with friends rather than staying with family.

If that is really the reason why he leaves you, then he is a petty and small-minded man. Who ends up a marriage, even a troubled one, over a single argument?

The reasons that people leave their marriages can be boiled down to one thing: whatever their problems or complaints are, they think there is no possibility that things will get better.

You can keep doing what you have been doing, which is tormenting yourself over things that you have no control over, or you can start doing what you could have been doing all of this time. Learn to practice detachment, and take yourself off of this emotional roller coaster you have been on. Choose to stop worrying about every single thing your husband says and does, and what it could possibly mean. Stop throwing yourself in the way of your husband's self-destructive behavior, and let him make the mistakes and deal with the consequences.

Here's something that your husband doesn't realize: even if he divorces you, you are never going to be completely out of his life. You have three kids together, and that means custody and visitation; that means him paying child support to you (unless he's going to quit his job and be a full-time dad?); that means staying in contact as you argue about who gets holidays and summer vacations.

Stop obsessing over the day-to-day, minute-to-minute stuff, and start looking at the bigger picture. If he is in some kind of a midlife crisis then this is going to take YEARS for him to resolve. Where do you want to be when he emerges from the other side?

(And honestly? I know you are convinced that there is no way your husband could be having an affair but so was I. This forum, and many other groups like it, are filled with people who were sure that their spouses would never cheat—right up until they learn the truth.)