Hi all. I'm new here.

[2ndTimeHurt]

4 days til she moves out. Oh boy, not looking forward to that day.

At least we're doing Xmas decorations tomorrow as a family. That will be fun.

[2ndTimeHurt]

3 days.....

[melissag]

2TH, don't count down the days. You are just anticipating the hurt. Don't think about what you are going to do or how she is going to act after she moves out. Just focus on the time you have left with her there, and enjoy your time as a family. DB like mad! Do your 180s, follow the 37 rules, make sure that when she moves out, what she remembers about being at home is good stuff.

After she moves, you will have plenty of time to think about where to go from here.

[2ndTimeHurt]

2TH, don't count down the days. You are just anticipating the hurt. Don't think about what you are going to do or how she is going to act after she moves out. Just focus on the time you have left with her there, and enjoy your time as a family. DB like mad! Do your 180s, follow the 37 rules, make sure that when she moves out, what she remembers about being at home is good stuff.

After she moves, you will have plenty of time to think about where to go from here.

Thanks a lot!

I'm gonna enjoy my last few days with her. We're putting up Xmas stuff and I'm watching my cowboys play right now. Trying to stay positive. I know it's thanksgiving in the states but I live in Canada, hence the Xmas decorations today.

Now if my boys can get this win.

[2ndTimeHurt]

Well I'm blowing it.

It was going good then the discussion turned serious. About how we're going to schedule our son. I'm not entirely sure what happened but she's upstairs crying in the shower. Says she's tired of this happening all the time. In my defense this doesn't happen all the time. We rarely fought during our 7 month reconciliation.

I think she's just telling herself stories to justify how she's feeling. She's actually not making much sense but I'm sure I'm not listening from her point if view. I'm trying so hard to understand but then she says she doesn't want to talk about it. But then we end up talking some more. I'm thoroughly confused.

She says she's tired of relationships and pressure. I'm gonna assume it has nothing to do with that but more to do with how she feels about herself. There was no pressure during our reconciliation though she viewed things as pressure I'm sure. I wasn't intentionally trying to pressure her. Pressure her to do what I'm not even sure. She seems so confused.

This is what the back step feels like. It is a familiar scene. Now I just gotta get this thing moving forward again.

I have a tough time just letting her be when she's this hurt. Why does she keep saying she wishes I was like this 5 years ago? She said that exact same thing during our 14 month separation. I've been this way for almost 2 years now and I know a part of her sees it but a huge part of her can't.

This hurts....

[2ndTimeHurt]

I'm gonna see if I can get her to do Xmas decorations still. She's gonna be one tough cookie though.

[2ndTimeHurt]

Some late night journaling...

She's moving most of her stuff tomorrow morning. I offered up my truck and if she wants my help I told her I would.

I'm finding she's getting a lot better at bouncing back from setbacks. Today we were back to normal from the other night. Texting random things throughout the day. I made dinner for her tonight. We went late night shopping for random things. I picked up a couple more Xmas gifts for my son and she got some last minute stuff for her apartment.

She did more packing tonight which was heartbreaking but I kept my happy face on. Afterwards I spent a good hour or two listening to her talk about work, her friends, her troubles etc. I think I did a good job of validating. But I knew I could do a better job. There were a few things that I had troubles validating. Ie. she's pissed at her friend's boyfriend's friend. He was supposed to lend her his truck but he wanted alcohol for his troubles. She was upset that he wanted that. I validated as best as I knew how but I think I could've done a better job. I totally agree that he deserves some booze for his troubles but I validated as best as I could. Which led me to doing some research on validating when you don't agree. I actually learned some important stuff. If anybody wants to discuss it(I know some people out there are having troubles validating while disagreeing), I'm up for relaying what I learned.

I'm just glad she's still open to talking about her daily troubles. She knows I'm the one person she can count on to listen to her. And with my new knowledge of validating I'm looking forward to hearing her rants about her job/friends/family.

This weekend will be tough, but I'm confident i'll be ok. The few weeks after she moves out will be hard, but I have to remain calm.

Any suggestions on how to handle the next few weeks? My plan is to stick with what I'm doing. Stay happy, be there for her, refrain from arguments, invite her for dinner/going out but have zero expectations, and enjoy every minute I get with my son.

[2ndTimeHurt]

She's gone;(

On a bright note she agreed to go out to see some live music with me. Just the 2 of us.

[melissag]

Hi 2T, sorry your W moved out. I know it $ucks. Ugh. It sounds like you did a good job with DBing. I'm impressed that you were shopping with her while she picked up a few things for her place - and still kept a smile. I still can't stand even thinking about H's place, let alone hearing about the details. (Though my H is apparently dumb enough not to figure this out, as he keeps talking about it.)

I am definitely still trying to figure out validating - I have definitely mastered the first phase, which of course is not defending or arguing or playing devil's advocate or fixing or suggesting. Which for me, I have to say, is no small feat. The problem is, now I feel like i Just say "uh huh" or something. Which I wonder if seems like maybe I'm just not paying attention. So yes, please do share what you have learned! I am sure I am not the only one who could benefit.

You know you can do this S thing - you have done it before. It is probably going to be awful for the first few weeks, but hopefully you will settle in soon. Hang in there.

[2ndTimeHurt]

Hi 2T, sorry your W moved out. I know it $ucks. Ugh. It sounds like you did a good job with DBing. I'm impressed that you were shopping with her while she picked up a few things for her place - and still kept a smile. I still can't stand even thinking about H's place, let alone hearing about the details. (Though my H is apparently dumb enough not to figure this out, as he keeps talking about it.)

I am definitely still trying to figure out validating - I have definitely mastered the first phase, which of course is not defending or arguing or playing devil's advocate or fixing or suggesting. Which for me, I have to say, is no small feat. The problem is, now I feel like i Just say "uh huh" or something. Which I wonder if seems like maybe I'm just not paying attention. So yes, please do share what you have learned! I am sure I am not the only one who could benefit.

You know you can do this S thing - you have done it before. It is probably going to be awful for the first few weeks, but hopefully you will settle in soon. Hang in there.

Thanks for the reassurance!

I'm actually pretty good with putting in a happy face. It actually comes naturally for me, well, for the most part. Haha

As for the validating thing...

There are 6 levels and in any given situation you try to do the highest level possible. You won't always be able to do level 6 and sometimes level 1 will be the highest you'll be able to do given the situation.

Level 1- just being present. Undivided attention, put your phone down, look into eyes, saying uh huh, etc. pretty straight forward. Basically just listen attentively.

Level 2- accurate reflection. Summarize what other person said with no judgement and with authenticity. "Sounds like you're upset because blah blah blah". Sometimes this type of validation helps someone sort through their thoughts and separate thoughts from emotions.

Level 3- mind reading emotion. I know mind reading is a no no but in this case it's ok. Sometimes they won't flat out say what they're feeling so mind reading what they feel can help. When someone is describing a situation, notice their emotional state. Then either name the emotions you hear or guess at what the person might be feeling. " I'm guessing you're feeling angry because blah blah blah". They may correct you but accepting the correction is validation in itself. It's their feeling and have a right to feel whatever they feel.

Level 4- understanding their feeling based on their past history. If you've done something in the past that you know upsets him like I dunno, called him names, then that experience will be heightened for him. So.. " based on my last behavior I can understand why that would be upsetting to you".

Level 5- normalizing or recognizing emotional reactions that anyone would have. This is helpful if the person you're dealing with is emotionally sensitive. Saying that anyone would get upset in a given situation is validating to an emotionally sensitive person. "Of course you'd be upset, anyone in your position would be".

Level 6- radical genuineness. Understanding the emotion on a very deep level. Maybe the same experience happened to you. Or you can really relate to it. I've felt this way before when my ex has spoken about her friend's baby almost not making it past birth. I was genuinely sad and she could see the expression on my face.

So basically in any given situation try to pick the highest level. When you don't agree you can still validate by using level 2. Or if you really agree you can super validate by using level 6.

I'm finding it useful because it's not a one size fits all kind of approach. You pick and choose how you validate but you are always validating!!

Hope this helps.