Hi JG, I read through your thread. I'm usually not on the boards anymore because it helps me maintain my serenity. Reading others posts brings back all those ugly emotions that I continue to work on.
So you're getting mentally ready for your first Al Anon mtg? Good for you! My suggestion is... go to 30 meetings in 30 days. You may not realize it but what you are going through is going to be one of the most difficult times in your life. You need support and although we are all here on the board, you need live people to talk to and a shoulder to cry on.
Also, detaching is a choice. I didn't get that and it took me such a long time to understand it. Detaching doesn't mean I don't love H anymore. It means I can't control what's going on so allow your Higher Power to take over.
Also, whatever nasty words come out of H just stay listen and validate. Say, Hmmm you might be right. (PERIOD!)
From what you've said, I gather managing with your son's behavior has been a challenge for you as a parent and your marriage. I have shared similar challenges with my son's medical condition. It made me believe I could be Supermom but in the process forgot I was a partner in a marriage. I made the parenting decisions and when H didn't agree I put my foot down at all cost. I was also great at getting the last word. H isn't an alcoholic. H n I are children of alcoholics so we practice the same destructive patterns as an alcoholic marriage. Co-dependency, Perfectionism, Obsessing, Taking control, Arguing as if someone needs to win, Silent treatment, etc...
I learned a lot about myself because of DBing but I took it a step farther when I attended regular Al Anon mtgs. I am not the same person and when I do practice old behavior I work my program.
Take care of JG!! Put the oxygen mask on yourself first before trying to save your marriage. (priorities: you, your children, your H/marriage)
M 42 H 39 T10 (-2yrs separation) S8 D5 DD 7/30/11 (EA&PA) Reconciled 6/2013 Separation in works 1/2017
