W's ongoing affair and in home separation w/kids

[NCRthree]

I'm feeling totally lost right now. I see that the 180 and Last Resort Technique may be my great hope for personal sanity. I could really use some help.

What's going on: Attempting an in home separation because of money issues and wanting to be with my 11 yr old twins on a daily basis. I agreed to give her much requested freedom in her social life last weekend. She refuses to discuss her ongoing affair that she knows I'm aware of. Last week I found her FB logged in and printed out many pages of sex talk with the guy all initiated by her. Have not disclosed this with her. I know this guy from childhood. They've spent LOTS of time together and don't hide it. His mother and mine were best friends all through their lives. If they were only both still alive to see this crap.

I'm sure she instigated it. Friends of mine have come forward telling me they thought we two were separated because they saw W out partying with him for the past year. She told him she was getting divorced. Found all this out 2 months ago- I was suspicious but thought she would never go that far.

Of course we were not in a great marriage for the last 5 years. we spent so much time raising kids that we stopped taking time for each other etc...My work was unstable so I wanted to be frugal. She had big spending dreams which she loved to talk about but I got so I would shoot them down. Finally her heart hardened to me while I was unaware. I've done plenty on my end. Much depression and anger, mainly brought on by financial fears. No doubt I pushed her away. I've got plenty of remorse and have verbalized my amends to her. She thanked me and also wrote that she was sorry about the hurt she's caused me.

At this point in time I'm just confused. I still love her but resent her immensely. She wants a separation for sure. No reconcilliation. She would like an in home arrangement but as long as I don't bother her about her social life. She goes out twice a week, sometimes spends the night out. Still she's excellent at taking care of our kids. Except for the night out stuff, she's a great mom. She dropped all her old married friends too that we had mutually and hangs out with a local clique of artsy, musician types...none have young kids, most are divorced or single. Oh, she relapsed after 16 yrs sober a couple yrs back. All old friends are on my side they can't believe she's living this way. They want her to snap out of this mid life crisis or whatever it is. Even her father wants her to stay with me...he's sick about it. I'm a straight arrow devoted family man.

Me-I'm sober 19 yrs. Getting counseling, AA sponsor, medications, reaching out to friends, trying to GAL. It's so hard as I keep sinking back into serious depressions. Plus I'm now out of work-Chapter 7 from my employer a week after she dropped the bomb. Conducting myself in the house is my main concern now. I know I've made matters worse pursuing etc... Have now only talked about making financial arrangements or about kids, trying to avoid anything emotional. Keeping a safe home for the kids is a HUGE concern of mine. I feel like if either of us left it would really hurt them plus I'm still holding out hope. Don't know whether separate homes would be best. Neither of us argue in front of them but I know I appear cold and depressed. She acts like she's always been-bubbly and composed. I'd love to have the marriage work out. I love my kids and her family immensely. There's so much more to say but I'll stop now. My heart is broken deeply. I'm so scared it's too late to salvage it. I keep thinking I'll be ok with healing but still the pain is immense. Thanks for reading.