PM . . . you have given me a lot of great advice, on my own thread and others. As you know, I am new at this whole thing, and I also only know the most recent events in your sitch.
However, if I may offer up a few thoughts . . . .
(1) I'm not sure I buy into this whole detachment/independence thing. I have seen posts here and there saying that in any healthy M, one should be detached from his/her spouse. I can't disagree with that more. If you are supposed to treat your spouse with the same emotional attachment as a neighbor, what is the point of getting married? Now, I am not saying that codependency is a good thing in a high degree, but the whole point of marriage is that people want and yes, need, each other. Not in a "I'm going to kill myself if you go out without me' way, but in the sense that his/her spouse's love, affection, commitment and support is extremely important. I was thinking the same thing your T asked, and then one step further. How will you ever know your W is independent if you are always around; and then, if she is fully independent, how do you fit into her life? To me, to be completely detached/independent/okay without the other, means you are over that person. And then there is nothing left.
(2) I noticed the same trend you did. She seems to be more and more interested in spending time with you. It's not just a one-time, I've had a bad day, kind of thing. And while I don't know your W, or the extent of her codependency, I would say that at some point, you need to take what she says at face value. You are reading into what she is saying, instead of just accepting that maybe, MAYBE she really does just want to spend time with you. I can see why you would set emotional boundaries for yourself, but I am not sure what you are waiting for from her. Do you want her to BEG? Does she have to say she is 100% committed to working things out, and wants to R and get remarried and love you forever? All she is asking is for you to go write at her house. Can you do that and see where it goes and what it feels like? I can 100% understand your fear around this - I mean, you have been managing your expectations for so long, and have achieved so much detachment - but is that how you want to stay forever? If you want to R, then at some point you do need to accept her invitation, right?
I don't know - I guess I find it painful to read your posts sometimes because it seems that you are almost fighting it more than your W is. It makes me think of movies where the two lovers aren't together and are both miserable because of it . . . it makes no sense. That may be an exaggeration here - we don't really know what your W is thinking, or where this will go. But to let it go somewhere, anywhere, you have to put yourself out there.
Just my $.02.
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
