Shutting the F*ck Up

[BrightFuture]

Portia, I have been following your updates, just didn’t know what to say. I was in a funk for some time, so the writing and expressing my thoughts didn’t come easy. I felt so many things that you described in your recent posts. The only thing I cannot relate to is the feelings about OW, since I don’t have any evidence of one in my sithc. I’m just trying to imagine how I would feel if H would have an OW now or had one in the last year. I’m with you here, I feel like I want him out of my mind, out of my head and out of my life, but just cannot make the last step. In my situation it would involve a lot more, all that legal stuff. I just feel like I just don’t want t deal with it or with him at this time. I wish it could just resolve on its own, but I know it is not going to happen.

I think that you are subconsciously waiting for him to apologize for hurting you and admit his bad decision. This is why you have so much anger towards him. It is interesting that you said that you tried to keep the conversation neutral. I did the same thing in my last talk with H over the phone two months ago. He can interpret it as you not being interested. So probably did my H. But, I guess, I don’t care anymore what he thinks. If he wants to reconnect, he will find the way to do it.

[Portia]

I think that you are subconsciously waiting for him to apologize for hurting you and admit his bad decision. This is why you have so much anger towards him. It is interesting that you said that you tried to keep the conversation neutral. I did the same thing in my last talk with H over the phone two months ago. He can interpret it as you not being interested. So probably did my H. But, I guess, I don’t care anymore what he thinks. If he wants to reconnect, he will find the way to do it.

Right on all counts, Bright.

A part of me is waiting - not necessarily for an apology in words, but yes, some kind of acknowledgment that the reason we have not spoken in eight months was because of his actions. But he did not even sound the least bit sorry.

Rattled off that he had moved for July 1 and his phone was out of service. And I never factored into this at all. Did it ever even occur to him to tell me? We were not totally radio silent in July but he never said peep.

I may not have been as welcoming as I could and while I might be sorry if that is the reason I never hear from him again, I will live with that. Maybe he expected the red carpet, who knows? If a little justified hesitation stops him from calling again, then he isn't worth it anyway.

In my heart, try as I might, I cannot seem to cut that last thin thread between us. Not sure why. Maybe he will make that decision for me, who knows?

[Ambivalent]

Portia,

I have been reading the thread. Did I miss something? I saw that he said things did not work out. Could that not mean, he broke it off? Or, he couldn't give to the relationship, so he checked out and she pushed?

I find it strange that you would even consider yourself as a consolation prize, or that he automatically thinks of you in this manner.

I thought that since he was in replay that this is normal...He is reaching out, and it seems you are angry that he didn't do it sooner.

I'm confused, isn't this what we want? For the runner to feel as if he/she can come home? That we are here to help them and guide them to home?

I thought most MLC'ers don't apologize when peeking out from the tunnel. When he invited you to call, it seemed if he was testing the water. If it was too cold or if it may be warm enough to dip a toe.

Am I wrong here? Am I the only one who sees this? Ultimately Portia it is your call. But rather than possibly shutting him down " I'm hardly home. " Perhaps until you know what you want, keep the bridge from burning?

It seems as if you have an expectation of an apology. For without that expectation, the anger may be something that will hold you back. Some of the MLC'ers may gush, others may sweep it under the rug. Some go to counseling and say they want in, and others conclude it's time to quit.

From what you wrote it seems he is poking his head out and seeing if it is safe.

Perhaps throw him a bone, if he bites then you can make a small decision to perhaps meet him somewhere public? Only you can decide this, but since it has been less than two years why not give it a try?

From what I've been reading , those months of no contact could have been his depressive stage of the MLC. He may be entering the acceptance stage. You've held on this long, do you want to find out, or do you want to hold on to anger?

I know even during my rants and emotional ups and downs I came here for a reason. It seems you may have a chance, rather than try to read his mind, ask him why he is contacting you? This way you can decide based on knowledge and not supposition.

Please take what I have written ,with the hope that you will see what is best for you and your heart. <3

[job]

Portia,
Please do not take on his load of guilt. As for his phone not working...doesn't he work a job? He could have called and left a message or emailed you. Better yet, snail mail is still in existence and he could have written you a note and advised you of his move and that his was out of service. Nope, don't take this on...I don't believe it.

Oh, he expected you to jump thru hoops and definitely roll out the red carpet. In his foggy little mind, he expects you to be right where he left you and you should be jumping for joy, falling all over yourself because he's finally contacted. Sorry dude, it's a two way street and Portia has needed some emotional and moral support w/some heavy personal things going on in her life.

Nope, he's still wanting you to build him up and make him feel great. The pedestal was knocked over a long time ago. He has to earn your loyalty and love, as well as trust. He's got to prove himself. Portia, you are such a prize.

[Portia]

Job,

I felt this:

Oh, he expected you to jump thru hoops and definitely roll out the red carpet. In his foggy little mind, he expects you to be right where he left you and you should be jumping for joy, falling all over yourself because he's finally contacted....he's still wanting you to build him up and make him feel great.

The missing ingredient that I could not quite put my finger on. I did not expect apologies or grovelling. But I guess I did expect some hesitation. But it did seem to me that he expected me to be so grateful that after eight months, he decided to call me ONCE. And that his work was done. I note that he invited me to call him anytime, if I wanted but did not ask me if it was OK for him to call me anymore. And as terrible as it may sound, I don't want to chase him, even if that is what he thinks he wants.

Maybe I am wrong but I feel if I don't allow him to sit and stare at the consequences of his actions, he will never figure it out. Maybe now that he is out of his relationship (and assuming he doesn't get into another one in a hurry) that he may begin to understand his choices and how they affected our relationship. Maybe...

Hi Amb, I will try my best to answer some of your questions:

I have been reading the thread. Did I miss something? I saw that he said things did not work out. Could that not mean, he broke it off? Or, he couldn't give to the relationship, so he checked out and she pushed?

I find it strange that you would even consider yourself as a consolation prize, or that he automatically thinks of you in this manner.

I honestly don't care much who broke up with who. It is that when things were going well between them, I was a nothing to him - not even important enough for him to let me know that he moved and dropped his landline. But now that "the relationship did not work out", he is sniffing around me again. Why? I agree with job, because he thought I was right where he left me, devastated and trusting. He is dead wrong. I am not the fall back position nor am I going to play the game of being a fill in the time for him until he can find someone else unless his actions truly prove to me that I can trust him.

I thought that since he was in replay that this is normal...He is reaching out, and it seems you are angry that he didn't do it sooner.

I'm confused, isn't this what we want? For the runner to feel as if he/she can come home? That we are here to help them and guide them to home?

I thought most MLC'ers don't apologize when peeking out from the tunnel. When he invited you to call, it seemed if he was testing the water. If it was too cold or if it may be warm enough to dip a toe.

Am I wrong here? Am I the only one who sees this?

An affair is a usual part of Replay. He may very well be reaching out. I am not discounting that. BUT just because he is in MLC and reaching out does not give him a easy pass, at least for me.

One of the things that drew me to this forum as opposed to the others, is that I could make the choice as to how I wanted to handle the demise of my relationship. Amb, I am NOT "standing". If there comes a point where he and I can be together, I am willing to let this play out but I am not closing myself off to others. Too much water under the bridge for me to just pretend these things did not happen. And truly, I do not believe a healthy relationship is one where these things are ignored.

I am not angry that he did not reach out sooner, I am very hurt that he did not bother to tell me that he moved and changed his phone number back in July. He only told me he moved when he moved a second time and not until October.

Am I here to guide him home? I think Bea described it best once when comparing it to the story of the prodigal son. If he makes concrete and actual steps to coming home, I am willing to listen. But coming home, for me, does not mean ignoring what has happened. Because a lot of sh*t has happened.

For me, his one phone call in eight months is not enough for ME to feel comfortable sitting with him. Besides, we are 1000 miles away from each other, so it isn't as easy as let's meet up for coffee.

The months of no contact(especially July) were spent with the OW. He admitted it. Was there depression? Maybe. But that is as much mind reading as anything else. In asking why he is calling, I may have been inviting a OR talk and I did not want that at all for my own sake.

Could I have been a little more welcoming, yes. But after all he has done, I did not yell, scream or cry, call him names and I was never rude. But no red carpet. I am not building up his ego again so that he can get high off the kibbles and ignore me for another several months.

Amb, I do understand what you are saying. All of us here have different lines and boundaries. They get stronger as time moves on. DB'ing is not to learn to be a doormat and allow any sort of behaviour. It is to build a better relationship.

In sitches where those of us are left behind for other people and abandoned so thoroughly, building that relationship - a good relationship - means a slow rebuild of trust. I am not asking him to grovel but nor can I pretend that his choices and actions were not destructive. Is that what you were saying?

In my heart, I do hope that he and I can heal this breach. He was once very special to me. I want to believe AJ's interpretation that he is trying to reconnect and that it means something because contacting after all that time was a difficult thing to do (I thanked him for reaching out). But I am a little thin on trust. Surely, if I am worth it, it won't be the last I hear from him. But if it is, well, nothing much has changed.

[beatrice]

Portia - this is a balanced and reasonable response. Fwiw, I think it is a MLC touch and go. I believe that when they are truly done we will know.

Maybe it is different for the kitty kitten ones that stay home or close to home, but those that run fast and hard? These people are tough nuts.

You are an amazing woman, and will be fine. Your xSO? Not so much!

[bustingout]

Hi Portia- it's really hard having them run far and fast and completely ignore our existence and reality while they are 'living it up' with OP. My H did the same.. Left to another part of country then finally left the country. I relate to what you say about the trust issue and how it's so much to recover from

[Whiterose]

Hi Portia

I completely understand the trust issue and the need to be able to discuss and work through them to be able to heal.

It's so hard to balance what we want to what we need to move forward......keep doing the things right for you. We're here for you.

Have a good day:)

[RosaLinda]

"Maybe I am wrong but I feel if I don't allow him to sit and stare at the consequences of his actions, he will never figure it out. Maybe now that he is out of his relationship (and assuming he doesn't get into another one in a hurry) that he may begin to understand his choices and how they affected our relationship. Maybe..."

There was a time when I would have argued with you about this, Portia, but have come to see that you are right. MLC maybe be the reason for bad behavior, but it does not justify lying and cheating. You hang in there my friend. No one can know what's in SO's mind; I'm sure he IS missing you, and I hope to God that he is starting to see the wrong he has done, the bad decisions he has made, the pain he has caused. But he is going to have to do a LOT of work to make it right before you can even start to trust him again.

And you, a consolation prize? Don't make me laugh? I have a song for you my Portia, and I'm standing up and singing it at the top of my lungs with you:

Weren't you the one, who tried to hurt me with goodbye?
Did you think I'd crumble? Did you think I'd lay down and die?
Oh, no, not I, I will survive
Oh, as long as I know how to love, I know I'll stay alive
I've got all my life to live, I've got all my love to give
And I'll survive, I will survive, I will survive!

Only the Lord could give me strength not to fall apart
Though I tried hard to mend the pieces of my broken heart
And I spent, oh, so many nights just feeling sorry for myself
I used to cry but now I hold my head up high

And you see me, somebody new
I'm not that chained up little person still in love with you
And so you felt like dropping in and just expect me to be free
Well now I'm saving all my loving for someone who's loving me

Go on now, go, walk out the door, just turn around now
'Cause you're not welcome anymore
Weren't you the one, who tried to crush me with goodbye
Did you think I'd crumble? Did you think I'd lay down and die?

Oh, no, not I, I will survive

[mizjjd]

Portia!!

Reading your recent posts its hard to remember the days when you bemoaned the lack of activity from SO, yes?

You are far from a consolation prize my dear. Goodness what an idea! You are Blue Ribbon all the way.

Be confident in the boundaries you have set. SO can choose to respect them or leave you alone. He does have to stare at his reflection, as they all do I think. And who knows how it will all play out in the end... It doesn't matter as much as your own health. I'm happy to hear you sounding stronger.

Take good care.