RealityTrip is back from her voyage into "Me" Land

[RealityTrip]

Well hello my friends! Here is the link to my OLD thread:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...655#Post2383655

I just finished my first semester of school. Rocked the A's. And I am in a really good place. I took some time away from the forum to focus on myself instead of my sitch. It has been really good for me. I have a clarity and am excited about MY future more than I have been in a very long time.

My sitch has evolved. My W came home about a few weeks ago after a lot of talking. She left her AP and moved back in with her brother for a short while as a transistion before coming home. I thought it was best and so did she. But alas, she is home. She had some travel for work here and there but she is now home.

The second day she was here she she made a point to sit me down and tell me that she "was here for the right reasons.. to see if we can repair our marriage." She also told me that I could have access to her phone anytime I wanted to look and that she would give me all of her accounts and their passwords if I wanted them. I thanked her for that, but I also told her that I didn't want them. That experience had taught me that if she was going to have contact with AP, she was going to have contact and it's out of my control. I told her that if she says she's NC, then I will just trust that. Oy! That was hard to do... gotta admit. But I felt I needed to show her that I was strong enough and commited enough to give her a second chance to be trustworthy. After all, it's not me who decides if she a trustworthy person... only she can decide her character. I however, am cautious, ready for the rocky road that comes with attempting reconciliation. And definitely ready for the impending contact, pleading and manipulation from the AP that is sure to come from the "other woman" scorned. (remember, this woman was my friend of many years, and if there's one thing I know about her, it's that she will contact... eventually) But that is also not within my control. That lies squarely on the shoulders of my W. If her attempt at R is genuine, she will eliminate that threat. I am watching. Actions.

On Monday I came home from work and my W asked me about support groups. She knows I have one, (love my DB family) and said she is ready to talk and asked for my help. She also said she was ready for IC. Super yay! Healing herself should be her primary focus. I gave her a list of online resources that I have come to know over the past two years... leaving out DB of course, I don't think it's best that we share the same support network. At least not right now as she is taking babysteps to look inward and it's scary I'm sure. So I think she should be able to open up to others without the fear that I may be reading. She also went to her first IC counseling session yesterday afternoon. She came home and was happy and excited. She connected with the therapist and made her next appt.

My two month "Me" sabbatical was amazing but now with the return of my W to our home, I need my DB friends and guidance. I'm posting this in Newcomer's... well, because that's where all of my peeps are (or were) and where my mentor veterans have always found me. I'm weary of "Piecing", I'm not sure I trust where we are right now since the transition is so fresh. I do know it is better.. FOR SURE!... we are better. But I don't know where "here" is.

I'll be catching up on sitch's and spreading some love. Happy Thanksgiving! I am so thankful for all of you.

[Wonka]

Hey RT! Raising my glass of amaretto to you!

Thanks for updating us about the latest developments in your sitch. It is positive and encouraging that your W wants to be back in the M and try for reconciliation. As you said, there'll be some bumpy times ahead for the pair of you as you forge a new relationship together.

In regards to the 'trust' thing, I'd suggest that you visit uR's thread (uRworthy) over in the MLC forum. There's been a spirited discussion on forgiveness and trust.

Have a Happy Thanksgiving! Lots to be thankful here, RT. Way to go on getting bang-on great grades! You're an A+ gal!

[melissag]

RT, I am new enough to this forum that I haven't come across your posts before, yet your post today made me so happy for you and hopeful for the rest of us. Not only because your W came back, but because it is obvious how much you have grown and how you have managed to live your life and focus on you despite the crappy hand you were dealt.

I wish you the best with your R, and hope you will keep us updated!

[bluesgal]

I am a newcomer and hoping for some advice. How do you deal with mixed signals?

My husband speaks a lot of 'future' talk. What we will do this summer, buying things for the home, etc.

At the same time, he's having an affair and when asked, says he doesn't love me like a husband should and doesn't know if he can do this any longer.

We go out with friends and have a great time, like everything is normal...but then he pulls away.

Crazy rollercoaster!! What does he want?

[RealityTrip]

(((melissag))) I just posted to your thread.

I am a newcomer and hoping for some advice. How do you deal with mixed signals?

My husband speaks a lot of 'future' talk. What we will do this summer, buying things for the home, etc.

At the same time, he's having an affair and when asked, says he doesn't love me like a husband should and doesn't know if he can do this any longer.

We go out with friends and have a great time, like everything is normal...but then he pulls away.

Crazy rollercoaster!! What does he want?

Hi Bluesgal, Thanks for stopping by. First, I attempted to check out your thread but you haven't started one. You don't have to, but I recommend it. There is so much about you and your marriage... your story for you to tell us when you are ready. It helps us as your friends to support you in the best way we can.

In my sitch... my W gave mixed signals daily. She did the same as your H, bought things for the home, hung pictures, spent time with family and friends as a married couple even after disclosure and BD, all the while maintaining her A semi-openly. She was/is a cake-eater. No doubt. But why she did it? I can't answer that. I can't mind read or make assumptions. They lead to expectations and certain dissapointment.

The fastest way off the rollercoaster (not out of my marriage... but to calm myself) was simply not riding anymore. I got off. I stopped asking myself what my W wanted and started asking myself what I wanted. I stopped trying to decipher her motives and means. Although I did enjoy for a while watching her A implode from the outside as a spectator ... that was a wild ride that I got through with some great friends here! (shout out to Spin, Ruby, Wonka, NGrace, Bug, InIt, Val and so many more!!!)

But my point is... I'm more concerned with what you want? He can figure himself out. That's his job. Not yours. But I will tell you, mixed signals are confusion. He is confused and only he can work that out. Don't drive yoruself crazy on his actions or lack thereof. Get your GAL on! Take super, gentle care of yourself. Read DB and DR and live the rules while he is active in the A to protect yourself! You come first.

[3boymom]

RealityTrip - I just caught up on your journey. I love when people come back to the forum and provide updates. It gives me inspiration to keep moving forward It is great to see that you are taking things slowly. I wish you the best of luck!

[Pudmuddle]

Hi RT, stories like these are the quicker picker uppers most of us need to see, so thank you so much for returning and posting your story. It's nice to have the insight that even if the R gets to a better place, there is still much work to do. People forget that, even a good M still needs to be worked on every day.

I'm inspired and you've given us all some good hope for the future. I'll be interested in reading your back threads when I have a moment.

I wish you the best of luck too!

[AnotherStander]

RT, that is really fantastic news! Congratulations!! Based on what I've read in piecing stories it sounds like your W is saying all the right things, so it looks very hopeful

[bluesgal]

Thanks Reality Trip!

Here's my story...don't know how to start a new thread??

I've been a long time follower of divorce busters, but I haven't followed the techniques very well.
A quick summary:
My husband claims I "checked out" of our marriage a long time ago. I agree. I took for granted that he would always be there and our family would always be strong. We have been fighting frequently over the last couple of years, and sometimes sleeping in separate rooms. In late May, I got the bomb. Told me he couldn't do this anymore and said he was done. I've spent the last 6 months on and off divorce busting. Trying to employ techniques, then getting impatient and pressing him for answers and pressuring him to save our family and forgive me. I just found out about the OW about 2 weeks ago. Very difficult. She is a coworker and he did not want to break it off with her. She finally broke it off with him because she didn't want to be a "homewrecker".
My husband says he is not completely closed to reconciling, but typical ILYBINILWY. He believes that if we make up, we will go down this road again in years to come when we get "comfortable".
He blames me for EVERYTHING!! It's so hard to listen to sometimes. I need help! What can I do so that he'll see my hard earned changes? How can I practice patience when I just want my caring husband back?

[melissag]

Here's my story...don't know how to start a new thread??

When you are in the Newcomers forum, just click on "new topic" and there you go. You should probably copy your post here to a new thread - you will get a lot more help that way.