Still trying to get up that great Big Hill...

[Pudmuddle]

Hi BF, I am reflecting, probably too much lately, lol. Like right now, I can't sleep thinking about why the h#ll does he have to go over to Floormop's house on Thanksgiving. My mind is spinning with that this morning..YUCK.

I have been cranking up the music when no one is here.

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Journaling and venting here.

Ugh, I hate the mind spinning. I keep thinking about him going over to her house and laughing and smiling and being around other people, who don't give an F that he is a married man and has a family at home. He is such a friggin' fake and liar. I feel like going down to his room and writing in indelible ink MARRIED on his forehead with a heart so those messed up people would have to stare at it all day. I really dislike him right now.

I keep thinking too that if he did *ever* decide to come back to his senses and say I want to work on this, I would have to say I don't know if I'm ready for you to come back...

I want to be with someone who is willing to work on their own internal issues, as well as wanting to make their partner a priority, someone who is willing to work on all the terrible stuff life throws at you, together, not just stick around when times are good. I don't want to be the option because other things aren't working out for you. I want to be the one you come to when you have problems, because you want to, because you value my opinion, because you trust I will treat you well. I want to be the one you want to come home to, the one that you see clearly when you are out in the world and come up against temptations, that you will know deep in your heart that you love only me, so you will not even see a temptation. There is no fog of doubt, no desire worth more than what I mean to you. I want to feel in my heart that I can trust you wholly and completely as if there were never a doubt in our minds. I want to be free to love you and be loved by you.

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So I am going to take my S on Tgiving morning to a Turkey Trot downtown. It will be fun and hopefully a new tradition with S and I. I don't even care if H goes or is stuck at home until he leaves for Floormop's. Then S and I will go to the in-laws for turkey and fixin's in the evening. I will dress up and look amazing and I will be happy and loving...and just have fun!